Trailer Park: “The Last Song,” “Clash Of The Titans,” “Vincere,” “Bluebeard,” “Thorn In The Heart”

It’s Easter and Passover weekend, so if you’re religious, you’re probably hoarding Easter eggs or subsisting on matzo. I like to pretend that I am both Jewish and Christian, so my diet involves melted Cadbury eggs over almond macaroons. I’m for sure going to hell. But since there’s still time for us to be forgiven for our many sins, why not take a break this weekend to go see a movie? There’s not really a consistent theme with this week’s movies. If you’re feeling high school hormonal, go see “The Last Song”; if you’re cursing your God, look for “Clash of the Titans”; if you just got scorned by a man, “Vincere” and “Bluebeard” would both work in opposite ways; and if you’re sick of your own family, spy on a different one with “The Thorn in the Heart.”

The Movie: “The Last Song”
The Trailer: Ronnie (Miley Cyrus) and her brother are sent to a Southern beach town to stay with their father (Greg Kinnear) for the summer. Ronnie and her father’s relationship sucks until Ronnie meets a hunky local named Will (Liam Hemsworth) who teaches Ronnie how to be kinder.
The Hitch: Didn’t we just get “Dear John” in theaters? How many Nicholas Sparks (“The Notebook”) movies can one year handle? This time, Sparks wrote the script specifically for Miley, “to expand her thespian range.” The romance stuff looks annoying, but I’m a total sucker for father/daughter relationship sap. I would bring tissues, just in case.

The Movie: “Clash of the Titans”
The Trailer: Perseus (Sam Worthington) is unknowingly the son of Zeus (and therefore half man/half god) and decides to revolt against the gods. And they’re pissed. Zeus (Liam Neeson) and Hades (Ralph Fiennes) duel it out and Medusa brings back the snake hair look.
The Hitch: Apparently, the original “Clash of the Titans” had super bootleg special effects and this remake used more advanced technology … to re-create the look of bootleg special effects. Seriously. I guess if you’re into imagined mythological history, this is totally the movie for you.

The Movie: “Vincere”
The Trailer: Ida Dalser (Giovanna Mezzogiorno) was Benito Mussolini’s (Filippo Timi) secret wife who gave birth to his son and demanded he acknowledge paternity. She was subsequently thrown into an insane asylum.
The Hitch: Why does it seem like historical scandals are so much more interesting than today’s tabloid-fueled tar and feathering? Maybe it’s because people could still get away with throwing their mistresses under a bus instead of having to buy them houses and stuff. Anyway, Mezzogiorno is a fantastic actress and apparently gives an amazing performance.

The Movie: “Bluebeard”
The Trailer: Marie-Catherine (Lola Creton) dreams of being a princess, so she marries an aristocrat (Dominique Thomas), despite the fact that he’s killed off all his past wives. He acts like a father figure at first before going all nutso, but Marie-Catherine is one tough feminist cookie and fights back.
The Hitch: I’m a sucker for French films … and French in general. I love the languid way the speech ebbs and flows. I’m also a sucker for things that look pretty. And also horror films. It looks like a combo of “Princess Bride” and “The Shining,” which, as far as I’m concerned, is a good thing.

The Movie: “The Thorn in the Heart”
The Trailer: Director Michel Gondry (“Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”) made this documentary about his school teacher aunt Suzette and her relationship with her adult gay son. Gondry felt that her legacy would be lost if he didn’t share her with the world.
The Hitch: I would imagine that watching this is like being invited to someone’s family reunion and then being forgotten. But it’s really interesting to see where the man with such a specific directorial look came from. It kind of makes me wish every director had to go make a documentary about their family!