We Dissect Tiger Woods’ First Post-Scandal Interview

Over the past few months Tiger Woods hasn’t exactly been the press darling he once was. Ever since Thanksgiving and the zillion mistress revelations that followed, Tiger has avoided interviews—only giving one tightly controlled press conference where no questions were allowed. Well, over the weekend, Tiger sat down for his first post-scandal interview with ESPN. After the jump, we unpack what he said.

“A lot has transpired in my life. A lot of ugly things have happened. Things that … I’ve done some pretty bad things in my life. And uh, all came to a head.”

Translation: Mindy Lawton and Joslyn James weren’t quite cute enough for me. And speaking of head …

“I owe a lot of people an apology. I hurt a lot of people. Not just my wife. My friends, my colleagues, the public, kids who looked up to me. There were a lot of people that thought I was a different person and my actions were not according to that. That’s why I had to apologize. I was so sorry for what I had done.”

Translation: I was so sorry. But now that things are getting better with my wife and the press …

“After going for inpatient treatment for 45 days and more outpatient treatment, I’m getting back to my old roots … It was tough, it was really tough to look at yourself in a light that you never want to look at yourself, that’s pretty brutal … I saw a person that I never thought I would ever become.”

Translation: Can’t sex rehab centers nix the fluorescent light bulbs already?

“Well, I had gotten away from my core values as I said earlier. I’d gotten away from my Buddhism. And I quit meditating. I quit doing all the things that my mom and dad had taught me. And as I said earlier in my statement, I felt entitled, and that is not how I was raised.”

Translation: Don’t blame my parents.

“I was living a life of a lie. I really was … Stripping away denial and rationalization you start coming to the truth of who you really are and that can be very ugly. But then again, when you face it and you start conquering it and you start living up to it. The strength that I feel now, I’ve never felt that type of strength.”

Translation: I did get to lift weights in rehab.

“There were so many different low points. People I had to talk and face, like my wife, like my mom. They’ve both been very tough. Because I hurt them the most. Those are the two people in my life who I’m closest to and to say the things that I’ve done, truthfully to them, is … honestly … was … very painful. She was hurt, she was hurt. Very hurt. Shocked. Angry.”

Translation: Duh.

“I loved Elin with everything I have. And that’s something that makes me feel even worse, that I did this to someone I loved that much.”

Translation: She should’ve seen what I would’ve done if I hadn’t been so into Elin.

OK, so perhaps I’m being harsh here—the dude does seem sincerely sorry.. But I almost hope this is the last Tiger interview on the subject, as I’m already bored.