30 Memos To Future Wives, Courtesy Of Twitter

The #DearFutureWife hashtag is a scary thing in the collective unconscious that is Twitter. Who knew that making sandwiches and generously giving head are top qualifications in the marriage market?

I’ve rounded up 30 tweets from randoms on Twitter about what they’d like to tell their future wife. Some (most, actually) guys are very sweet. And some should have electronic monitoring bracelets so we know not to date their sorry asses …THE GOOD:

  1. “I hope you are not a fan of Justin Bieber.”
  2. “All I ask for is honesty and loyalty and i promise I’ll do my best to make life with me the best years of your life.”
  3. “I can’t promise that I’ll be the perfect husband, but I will do my best to keep you happy.”
  4. “I promise to protect your heart.”
  5. “Long as you don’t give up, neither will I.”
  6. “I’m NOT answering that infamous question, “Do you think I’m fat?”"
  7. “You won’t have to worry about me cheating on you. I’m coming home to you after work everyday, baby”
  8. “Thank you for loving me even though at times I know I’m most difficult.”
  9. “I will never abandon my foundation.”
  10. “Please know how to laugh cuz I’m goofy all the damn time.”
  11. “I’d love to not come home to an argument everyday … had enough stress all day.”
  12. “What ever star you want in the sky, I’ll get it for you.”
  13. “I don’t care if you’re rocking sweatpants in front of me.”
  14. “I’ll be the bitch in the relationship … cook, clean & cater to you! And feed you cold pickles at night..” (Maybe this guy is marrying Snooki?)
  15. “We will go through trials and tribulations, but know I’m ready to hold it down if you put half the effort.”

THE BAD:

  1. “I like my clothes washed by hand.”
  2. “Please don’t try and spend all my money when you don’t got your own.”
  3. “The ‘headache’ or ‘tired’ excuse is only allowed to be used five times a year.”
  4. “You’re probably being born right now cuz Ima be like 40 when I get married and you gonna be 20.”
  5. “You better know how to cook, cuz if you don’t another chick does.”
  6. “I hope you not lazy [sic ]cuz I got a lot of demands….”
  7. “Don’t touch my phone unless you paying my bill.”
  8. “I hope you know that you will have to engage in threesomes with Mary Jane and I…often, or on occasion…daily occasion.”
  9. “After work I just wanna sit on the couch and admire the top of your head for a while.”

THE UGLY:

  1. “If you have any pics of yourself sticking out your bum or showing your breasts off online … I’m taking little Dante and Riley away.”
  2. (from a black guy, according to his photo) “When I get rich… I’m leaving u for a white girl .. don’t be sad, it’s expected.”
  3. “Breakfast does NOT include Pop Tarts and Eggo Waffles. I’ll slap the s**t outta you. Try me.”
  4. “You better know how to cook or we not gonna even make it to our one month anniversary.”
  5. “If we hit hard times and you decide to sell my TV first..we’re done!!!..then I’m selling your ass to ‘a pimp named luscious.’”
  6. “If you get mad at me and leave me, cool, don’t try and keep my kid or kids from me I WILL KILL U.”

Frisky men, do you have any memos to your future wife? Tell us in the comments.

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