Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Kendra Wilkinson Overdosed? Celebrity Children Dress Better Than You?

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! I’m already drunk. Kidding, of course. Just because today is almost a national holiday, kind of, does not mean that celebrities get the day off from our constant surveillance. Au contraire, mon frere—today is just like any other Wednesday except with more green. And to help you save some of that green to buy more drinks later, we’ve already bought all today’s tabloids and found the best stories for you. Isn’t that super nice of us?

  • OK! must have bought a season pass to Kendra Wilkinson, because while her relevancy hasn’t even remotely increased, she’s been on the cover for weeks. This time for her “Kendra Diet Exclusive: How I Lost Another 10 LBS in 10 Days.” I feel like baby weight should be a different category of weight loss since you weren’t actually fat. Anyways, Kendra wants to be in shape in time for her show “Kendra” to go back on air, so she’s working out with a trainer and consumes what I would guess to be about 600 calories a day of mostly of raw vegetables. Um, duh.
  • In case it hasn’t been made clear in the tabloids, Jennifer Aniston would totally maybe take Brad Pitt back if he left mean ol’ Angelina Jolie. Apparently, Jen is still besties with Brad’s mom who tells her about Brangelina’s ups and downs … and that seems super healthy for Jen. When she was recently asked if it’s possible for exes to get back together, Jen said, “Absolutely. Sometimes you meet each other at a time in your life when you’re not necessarily ready and you’re not fully formed—you don’t sort of have the maturity it takes to be in a relationship.”
  • It seems that Cameron Diaz is responsible for the fact that she’ll be reuniting with Justin Timberlake on the big screen. She allegedly urged Columbia Pictures to cast her ex-boyfriend as her romantic lead in “Bad Teacher,” arguing for him when the studio said no. Cameron also supposedly had them “rewrite the love scenes so that they’re even juicier— and longer.” According to a source, Jessica Biel freaked out at first but then realized it was out of her control and called Diaz to say, “She was thrilled Justin was working with someone of Cameron’s caliber and thanked Cam for going to bat for him.” Which is actually smart like a fox. [OK!]

  • I’m a little confused by Us Weekly’s cover, which features Suri Cruise and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt who are allegedly “Growing Up Too Fast.” The tabloid says that Suri is “outgoing and sweet and loves dressing and undressing dolls.” Which seemed weird. And Shiloh is reserved and camera-shy. Then the tabloid talked about their glamorous lifestyles, traveling around the world with their parents and their fancy private tutors. Then they made a chart to demonstrate which celebrity children are having play dates together, and, apparently, the Beckhams won the kiddie networking game.
  • Still trying to convince us that Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick like each other, Us Weekly writes, “We’re Tired of the Lies.” The couple recently got cozy at a polo match and denied rumors that Scott’s been partying and refuses to change diapers. Scott is apparently trying to be a good dad and the tabloid even talked to Miami promoters who agreed that Scott has been on good behavior, not hitting on other girls. Kourtney claims that baby Mason has brought them even closer together.
  • Corey Haim received some nice memorandums in the tabloids: Us Weekly looked back at Corey’s important roles. The actor went to rehab 15 different times. According to a family source, “Everyone around him became so bitter and turned their backs.” Meanwhile, Corey kept trying to relive his glory days, recently telling the “Lost Boys” executive producer, “It’s the perfect time for “Lost Boys III,” after the whole “Twilight” craze. Recently, he’d gotten clean, going from 85 to zero Vicodin. According to the tabloid, he’d recently signed up for JDate and wrote on his profile, “Would love to meet someone who just doesn’t care what I do 4 a living.” [Us Weekly]

  • Former John Edwards aide Andrew Young is being sued by Rielle Hunter. And because Edwards needs their sex tape back, he might be funding the smear campaign against Young. Young says, “I don’t know how she’s paying hundreds of thousands of dollars for lawyers to put me through my paces for three weeks. I can’t think of anyone who would do it other than him.”
  • Britney Spears’ little sister Jamie Lynn is apparently leaving Louisiana to move in with her big sis. Their stage mom Lynn Spears wants her 18-year-old daughter to get back into show business and hates her 28-year-old boyfriend, James Watson. Meanwhile, Britney wants to help Jamie Lynn in her career, as well as financially, since they’re both single mothers and all.
  • According to the National Enquirer, Chelsea Clinton never got over her dad Bill’s infidelity—um, how could she?—and has worked up a $10 million prenuptial agreement to deter her future husband Marc Mezvinsky from cheating. According to a source, “Her father has always been the person she most admired, and the fact that he cheated on her mom not once, but many times, made her very gun-shy about trusting the guys she dated.” But more importantly, Chelsea’s fiance has $10 million? [The National Enquirer]

  • Elizabeth Edwards graces the cover of People with the headline, “How Much More Can She Take?” This is, of course, in reference to Rielle Hunter’s spread in GQ. A source says, “She was upset to have everything dragged up all over again. And she was disgusted by the photos, like everyone.” In the article, Hunter claims they shared a “sweeping romance that ensnared them both in a ‘force field’ of love.” Meanwhile, one of John’s friends said, “He knows he needs to deal with [Hunter] as the mother of his child. I wouldn’t call it love.”
  • Jennifer Love Hewitt retained her sense of humor after her recent breakup with Jamie Kennedy, talking to People about her obsession with love, her hope for finding the right man, and her new book, The Day I Shot Cupid. Jennifer claims she loves to spoon but most guys don’t, so she offered some advice, “Play it cool until he falls asleep and then Velcro yourself to him. If he wakes, turn quickly, like you were just stretching. When the little lamb sleeps again, one … two … three … Velcro!” Which made me actually laugh out loud.
  • People also wrote about Corey Haim, adding that a prescription pad was found stolen and a fraudulent prescription for OxyContin was written in Corey’s name. Corey Feldman talked about Haim’s bond with his mother, who Haim took care of while she battled breast cancer and financially supported his whole life. According to Feldman, he “never even thought about not living with his mom.” But Haim’s friends also say it was a codependent relationship and Haim’s mom would watch him go to the hospital after ODing and say, “It’s not that bad. He’ll get over it.” According to his friend Quinn Smith, Corey was “always talking about having kids, getting married.” [People]

  • I don’t know what happened that caused the Hollywood hoodlum fascination, but Star also had a cover about celebrity children. The tabloid reports that Jennifer Lopez bought her daughter Emme a $5K diamond necklace for her second birthday. Meanwhile, Suri Cruise has a live-in chef who’ll make her fresh-baked cookies or a burger in the wee hours of the morning. Suri also has her own hair stylist and $3,000-a-day personal shopper. Knox and Vivienne, Brangelina’s twin babies, own a $600 leather jacket and a pair of $10,000 diamond earrings. It continues on about how celebrity babies dress and live better than most people can dream of. Thanks for rubbing it in, Star.
  • In a really bizarre tabloid move, Star did a layout called “Gender Bending,” where they imagined (and computer-generated) what celebrities might look like if they were born as the opposite sex. The conclusion appears to be that most of them look terrifying and Brad Pitt is already pretty enough because his girl version is just him in drag. And Beyonce would apparently turn into a more gay Enrique Iglesias. I pray that Star never does this again … but I also can’t look away.
  • And just in case one cover story wasn’t enough, Kendra Wilkinson also has a story in Star called “Kendra’s Drug Nightmare,” where her mom Patti said, “Kendra went through what I call her ‘devil years.'” Kendra did cocaine when she was 13 years old, brought booze to school in 7th grade, and was in an alternative-learning program, therapy, and on anti-depressants by 8th grade. When she was 15, Kendra became suicidal and got hospitalized after ODing on pills at school. As a sophomore, Kendra lived with her boyfriend and over-dosed on cocaine. Kendra told E!, “I was bleeding from every hole in my body, I really thought I was going to die that night.” After that, Kendra got cleaned up, returned to her family, and worked at Papa Johns and as a dental assistant before she started stripping and was discovered by Playboy. [Star]