Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Katie Holmes Is A Baby Machine? Angelina And Johnny?

Another week, another round of rumors. Thank goodness we had the Oscars this weekend to bring everyone together in one place, creating a breeding ground for drama! It’s inevitable when you put all the beautiful people together that something sexy will happen. Because we’re so generous, we took out the hard part of reading the tabloids yourself. We’ve plucked the best stories for you, after the jump. We wouldn’t want you to get ink on your fingertips or anything.

  • After winning an Oscar for Best Actress, Sandra Bullock told OK! how she wanted to celebrate. “I just want a burger,” she said. “I want to sit down, take the shoes off. I want to eat and not sweat it and not worry the dress will bust open. I just want to relax and … I’d like a nap, too.” Works for me.
  • Don’t worry, “Bachelor” fans, Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi aren’t stepping out of the spotlight any time soon. They’re already back on the cover of OK!, for a reported “Dancing with the Stars Showdown.” Supposedly, Vienna isn’t pleased with the amount of time Jake’s spending with his dance partner, Chelsie Hightower. But it can’t be that tense if the threesome managed to pose together, grinning from ear-to-ear. Chelsie says of the bachelor, “Jake’s the same as he was on ‘The Bachelor.’ When I first met him, I felt like I already knew him. He’s just a real nice guy always looking out for others.”
  • OK! is insisting that Kourtney Kardashian and her baby daddy Scott Disick aren’t in trouble; they are enjoying doting on their new baby, Mason. The couple is back in Miami, with Khloe Kardashian, and have started filming the next drama-filled season of “Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami,” this time with baby on-board. [OK! Magazine]

  • It hasn’t been very long since things ended between Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon, but apparently, Jake’s moved on to G4 personality and “Date Night” star Olivia Munn, who was previously dating Chris Pine). This weekend, Olivia and Jake were seen holding hands at the Soho House in West Hollywood. According to a source, “Jake was really into Olivia.”
  • Kendra Wilkinson is back on the cover of Us Weekly to talk about motherhood. Again. Apparently, when her Playboy friends came to visit, she was embarrassed. “Having a different body was such a culture shock,” she said. “I’m so used to being hot and being fit.” She turned herself around by heading back to the gym and getting her hair and nails done. The tabloid also talked to hubby Hank who says he just keeps reminding Kendra that she had a baby and is still “the most beautiful woman” he’s ever seen. He advises that when a woman is getting in a “hormonal mood,” that she tell her husband to save a lot of strife. “She’s started to warn me. She’d say ‘Babe, I am in one of those moods,’ and I let her have her space.”
  • Each week, tabloids have to refute other tabs’ lies. Us Weekly went after another mag’s story on the Kardashians. Of Khloe and Lamar Odom’s marriage, the tabloid insists they’re not heading for a divorce. Khloe said, “Lamar and I are obsessed and can barely be away from each other.” Lamar chimed in: “I can’t wait until the day we have children.” Of Kourtney and Scott Disick’s relationship, the tabloid says that Scott is actually a good father and gets up before Kourtney to take care of the baby since Kourt likes to sleep in. An insider says, “They don’t show Scott and Kourtney being real, because that doesn’t make for good TV. They’re not just boyfriend and girlfriend. They’re best friends.” Meanwhile, Kim and Reggie Bush are in a good place and in no rush to get married. Reggie isn’t cheating on Kim and even spent three hours standing next to Kim at her Sephora perfume launch party. [Us Weekly]

  • Lisa Marie Presley has apparently tipped the scales at (gasp!) 165 pounds. The National Enquirer insists that she’s at risk for a heart attack, saying “Elvis Daughter Blimped Out.” The tabloid suggests that Michael Jackson’s death might have caused her binge-eating and mentions that Elvis died at her current age of 42 years-old. Um, she had twins about a year and a half ago. And is that even a lot of weight? I think my breakfast weighed 165 pounds.
  • Good-natured “Golden Girl” Betty White is apparently really embarrassed about the vintage nude playing card that David Letterman revealed when she guested on his show in 1985. With her resurgence of popularity, the photo has popped up everywhere, depicting a topless Betty. The shot was taken in the 1940s, when Betty was a struggling model. But she denied its authenticity to Letterman, saying, “It does look like me except the ear muffs would not have been there—they would have been HERE!” Gesturing to her exposed breasts. [The National Enquirer]

  • People went all out with Oscar coverage, and had some of our favorite celebs share their personal party pics to support a Haiti relief charity. The best picture was of Gabby Sidibe, having the expected reaction to receiving flowers from Justin Timberlake, who also sent a note which read, “Gabby, congratulations on your nomination. Best of luck today … and please make sure you enjoy yourself. Justin.” So sweet.
  • People also put Kate Gosselin on the cover with the line, “Why Can’t a Mom Have Fun?” Kate is fighting back at the tabloids who claimed her return to reality television meant that she was turning her back on her family. Kate said, “The guilt factor I have in my life is huge. I feel it enough all by myself … But these lies about the kind of mother I am—they need to stop … I’m tired of defending myself.” Kate says her new schedule is predictable—she knows when she’ll see her family. And she’s making more money than if she went back to being a nurse. When she told the kids that she was learning to dance, Mady said, “But Mommy, you can’t dance.”
  • It seems like Michael Jackson’s kids lives have not settled down yet. Recently, their cousin Jaafar Jackson (Jermaine’s son) bought a stun gun online and had it sent to their grandmother’s house. Their mom, Debbie Rowe, is apparently “mortified and very, very concerned over the welfare of her children and what they are being exposed to.” The LAPD also showed up at the house when someone called them, claiming there was a hostage. Randy Jackson says that all the cops found was a pet parrot that was saying “Help, help!” Which seems like the sketchiest explanation ever. [People]

  • It’s been a while since Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise were in the tabloids and Star is claiming Katie is pregnant again and that the Scientology leash has been tightened. An eyewitness says Katie looks about 10 pounds heavier and was shielding her belly while shopping recently. While enjoying her freedom in Manhattan, Tom allegedly demanded Katie return to L.A. to prepare for another pregnancy. According to a Scientology insider, “She’s undergoing something called the Purification Rundown. It’s supposed to clear her body of toxins that could harm a pregnant woman.” Another source says Katie isn’t thrilled to put her career on the back-burner again. “She already feels so drained. It’s not what she wants right now, but she feels like she doesn’t really have a choice.”
  • Apparently, Brad Pitt and Vanessa Paradis are both worried that Angelina Jolie is going to seduce her new co-star, Johnny Depp, like she has so many times before. Angie banned Vanessa and Brad from being on set during their love scenes (including an X-rated shower sex scene). Vanessa’s reaction was to ask Johnny to quit the movie and, according to a source, “When she and Johnny do their love scenes, Brad is determined to be watching on the sidelines.” According to another source, “Angie likes to do her love scenes completely nude. So she will for sure be naked with Johnny.” This is going to be fun.
  • “American Idol” semi-finalist Casey James apparently went from “Hellraiser to Heartthrob,” because he’s been arrested three times for drunk driving. Casey grew up in Cool, Texas (seriously), which has a population of 187. With a support system and the long arm of the law, James turned his life around. After his third DWI arrest, Casey spent a month in jail and, according to his friend, it’s the “best thing he ever did. It was a really good time for him, in terms of his internal growth … He wised up and became a changed man.” The country-singing crooner says of his jail time, “It felt like 10 years. It made me a different person.” [Star]