Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Bachelor Drama-Rama? Kate Gosselin Ditches Kids? A Hit On Jon Cryer?

Every Wednesday, the tabloids bring tragedy, intrigue, and lust into our lives. It’s kind of like modern-day soap operas, only instead of fictional story lines or made-up characters, they’ve cast celebrities you already know and love and pretend that it’s all 100 percent true. And since reality television has taken over for scripted drama, but real life is kinda boring, writers are forced to cook up dynamic story lines, and the line between what’s real and what’s fake is increasingly blurry. I’m not sure if gifting you with the most important stories is helping or hindering in our inevitable demise, but we are all just part of the system. So enjoy the tabs while you can. After the jump, this week’s big stories.

  • In order to have a monopoly on all the tabloids this week, two “Bachelor” couples had to make major life changes. Jason Mesnick and Molly Malaney got married and gave OK! the exclusive wedding album rights. It started raining on the coast of California as Molly walked down the isle in a Monique Lhuillier gown. Despite the rain and the fact that Jason picked Melissa Rycroft first, which OK! was so kind to remind us of, it looks to be a beautiful wedding and the happy couple does indeed appear to be just that.
  • Just in case you can’t wait for the season two premiere of Kendra Wilkinson’s show “Kendra,” which would be really weird for several reasons, OK! went ahead and told us that it’s about her postpartum depression, or as they call it “the baby blues.” Kendra apparently realized she was depressed when she looked in the mirror after several days (weeks?) of not showering and not brushing her hair or teeth. Apparently, a couple of times she also said, “I just have nothing to live for.” She had also been living in Indianapolis, which, particularly for someone who probably shouldn’t be let out of their L.A. habitat, might be a more logical reason for depression.
  • If I were Lindsay Lohan, I’d do an interview every month with the tabloids and just retire. In OK!‘s interview called “Rehab was a Vacation,” Lindsay says her troubled past is behind her. When asked what the most outrageous thing she’s ever read about herself was, Lindsay said, “That I overdosed and I was dead. I woke up in the morning and I was like, ‘Really?'” Of her career she says, “A lot of things that were said that overshadowed what I got into this industry for and that rankles me.” Lindsay says she’s in a better place than she’s ever been and credits growing up. “I weeded a lot of people out of my life that weren’t there for the right reasons,” she said. “There are a lot of people who were draining me.” [OK! Magazine]

  • I’m starting to feel really bad for Vienna Girardi, who hasn’t caught a break since she got on “The Bachelor.” Us Weekly’s coverline reads, “How She Tricked Him.” Apparently, Vienna manipulated the other girls and Jake. Her methods included: having a strategy, using her best asset (her boobs body), and she “became the woman Jake wanted” by lying that she was previously engaged to a pastor’s son and by making Jake feel that he was in charge. But way more interesting was the sidebar which revealed that contestants don’t make any money off the show but are provided with “meals, transportation and joint living quarters.” Apparently, only the final four women get their bills reimbursed and the engagement ring is a “conditional gift” which the winner doesn’t “own” for two years. If the engagement is broken, they have to give it back. On top of that, if the pair actually gets married, producers have dibs on the wedding and they make $10K per hour of television. Which isn’t a great deal considering how much a wedding costs.
  • Apparently, Jon Gosselin is peeved at Kate for agreeing to do “Dancing With the Stars,” which will keep her 2,400 miles away from the kids. And she still won’t give Jon any extra custody, instead leaving the kiddies with nannies. Sources say that Kate is doing the show for finances and fame. “Kate is supporting eight children,” and she’s “obsessed with being a celebrity.” I don’t know how she could get much more famous, but I’ve only heard of five of the 11 “celebrity” contestants and Kate totally deserves a break from all those Jon-faced kids.
  • And now, in an even more depressing home environ, Charlie Sheen and his wife Brooke are both in-and-out of rehab. Of all people, family friend Ramona Singer of “The Real Housewives of New York,” says “Your first thought is for the children,” 12-month-old twins Bob and Max. Brooke left rehab in Malibu for outpatient care and treatment at home so she could care for the babies. One family friend compared the couple’s enabling relationship to Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown saying, “They stir up each other’s worst demons.” Charlie took time away from “Two and a Half Men,” putting the season on pause and potentially risking hundreds of people’s jobs should the show get canceled. Considering the he makes $875K per episode and is currently the highest paid actor on TV, maybe he should get it together to warrant some of that horrid canned laughter. [Us Weekly]

  • In an interesting turn of events, if you’re one to trust the National Enquirer, a federal jury is about to indict John Edwards for possible campaign violations having to do with paying his mistress, Rielle Hunter. The grand jury started meeting last April to work on the case and, according to a friend, “John is terrified that he’s going to be indicted. While he believes he’s done nothing illegal in trying to hide his extramarital affair with Rielle and their daughter, he thinks the feds are going to make an example of him.” Dun, dun, dun.
  • Caroline Kennedy is already nervous over a History Channel series called “The Kennedys,” set to air in 2011. The show hasn’t even begun filming, but critics are already calling it a “cheap soap opera” that portrays her dad, President John F. Kennedy, as a sex maniac. There are also alleged factual errors. A family friend says, “One scene has a Secret Service agent standing at poolside as the president is splashing around having sex with a young hottie. Another scene making Caroline wince is her father telling his brother Bobby that if he didn’t have sex with a new woman every few days, he’d get migraines. Neither event happened in real life, and Caroline just wishes people had more respect.” The show’s producers have said the criticism is “premature.” Caroline is pissed but being the “only one left … of Camelot,” she doesn’t want to be the one to fight.
  • Mel Gibson is apparently addicted to smoking. He said, “It is a hellish habit to break. Your neurons are involved. My mother smoked when I was in her womb. I first had one when I was nine years old and I thought, ‘Yes, I missed this!’ I knew I missed it. And 45 years later, after every single artistic decision; every decision I’d ever made was done with a cigarette.” And then the National Enquirer said the best thing they’ve ever said: “A gloomy guy, that Mel.” [The National Enquirer]

  • People let Jake Pavelka be happy with their, “I didn’t make a mistake!” cover. Inside, the couple gushes about each other, though Jake didn’t give any interesting reasons, only saying that Vienna is compassionate. Vienna mentions that Jake starts the shower for her in the mornings, notices when she changes her toenail polish, and makes breakfast for her. Vienna also talked about almost fainting when Jake proposed. “When you fall in love with somebody, you want so badly for them to be in love with you too,” she said. “I could not imagine not spending the rest of my life with him.” On the topic (kinda) of “Dancing with the Stars,” Jake says of his tan, “I like to spray tan. I’m spray tanned right now. You smell like a candy bar, but you look okay.” Huh? The couple also said that Jake wakes up at 7 a.m. and wakes up Vienna, Jake said, “I see her there and I start kissing her. I can’t help it.” Sigh.
  • It’s been a while since Jaycee Dugard has been in the news, but apparently she’s going to have to go to court to stand up to her accused abductor. Since getting her freedom, Jaycee got birth certificates for her daughters and a driver’s license, but Phillip Garrido is apparently still trying to manipulate her from prison. Prosecutors say Garrido has been using certain words in announcements to the media warning Jaycee to stick to his statement that they were a loving family. He told his lawyer he didn’t “harbor any ill will,” which Jaycee says meant “I’m not following the plan.” Jaycee is in therapy and a psychiatrist says it’s much too early for her to be in the same courtroom as Garrido. There is no trial date yet for the 29 felony charges, but the Garridos’ attorney says they want “less than a life sentence.” He at least wants to portray the wife Nancy as a victim of Phillip, saying, “He’s loony tunes, but he’s also a master manipulator.” Ugh.
  • Marie Osmond is absolutely devastated over her 18-year-old son Michael’s suicide. Marie has seven other children who rallied around her along with the rest of the Osmond clan. Marie often visited Michael at school, tweeting in January, “Hanging out with my son, before he goes back to college. I want to take a class or two. Think he would mind???” Michael’s friend said of their bond, “Marie cared for Michael so much, and he loved her. They had an awesome relationship.” [People]

  • Star magazine really likes the Kardashians. This week they write about their “Toxic Love,” suggesting that Khloe Kardashian is maybe getting divorced, Kim got dumped, and Kourtney got duped. Kim is still with Reggie Bush, but fears he’s cheating on her and an insider says she’s holding out for a ring but Reggie will never give her one. Apparently, Kim spent an hour trying on wedding rings in Beverly Hills recently … alone … and just bought a $4.8 million house and wants Reggie to move in. Meanwhile, Khloe and Lamar Odon have only been married for five months and are maybe trying to have a baby, but Lamar wanted to wait for a year first, while Khloe wants one now. Kourtney only recently extracted baby Mason from her own vagina, and her longtime boyfriend Scott Disick is mostly partying on his own and hitting on other girls. What else is new?
  • In another “Two and a Half Men” scandal, Sheen’s co-star Jon Cryer (Ducky from “Pretty in Pink) apparently had a hit put on him by his appropriately named ex-wife, Sarah Trigger. Trigger’s ex-boyfriend said that she asked him several times to kill Jon and her other ex-husband, and she told him that if he couldn’t do it, she would ask his father. Jon and Sarah were married for nine years and are battling for custody of their 9-year-old son since May, when Trigger was arrested for felony child abuse in an incident involving her 2-year-old son from another marriage. Jon had been building a case against Trigger to get sole custody when she put this alleged hit on him. Eddie later recanted his story, claiming that Trigger didn’t do anything, but Cryer is taking extra precautions and trying to protect himself and his new wife, Lisa Joyner.
  • In what appears to be a crappy camera-phone Star exclusive picture, the tabloid claims that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are finally going public, even though no one most likely cares any more. They were spotted holding hands, kissing, and (gasp) hugging at Rob’s sister’s recent gig with her band. Meanwhile, Rob’s aunt confirms the romance, saying, “They managed to keep their romance secret for a long time, but when a young couple love each other, they can’t hide their feelings forever.” Thanks Auntie Diana, for blowing their spot. [Star]