29 Things You’re Too Old For As Of Your 29th Birthday

One of the biggest time sucks on the internet for me, besides reading “Lost” theories and playing online Scrabble, is reading dating columnist and “lifecaster” Julia Allison’s blog, as well as the blog that mocks her mercilessly, Reblogging NonSociety. I have no excuse; I just find the whole thing entertaining and hilarious, and it’s not like I’ve managed to quit reality TV or my bronzer addiction either. Anyway, this past weekend Julia celebrated her 29th year on Earth by having her second annual Bicoastal Birthday Bash, in which she and a friend celebrate their birthdays to the XXXTREME on both coasts. (You know who isn’t celebrating? Mother Earth! Nice carbon footprint, right?) We’re talking cupcakes, costumes, balloons, presents, brunches, dinners, and lots, and lots, and lots of photos. In short, I am pretty sure Julia celebrated her 29th birthday with more self-obsessed gusto than all my birthdays combined. Which got me thinking — aren’t there some things you are just too old to be doing at the ripe ol’ age of 29? I’m 30, so maybe my extra year of wisdom makes it possible for me to see this, but there are at least 29 things every woman is too old for as of her 29th birthday. Check ‘em out, after the jump …Hey, you’re now too old to/for …

  1. Wear headbands, head-to-toe pink, and cheerleader skirts
  2. Celebrate your birthday on more than one day
  3. Reminisce about college
  4. Reminisce about the college you never attended (Oh, Stanford … )
  5. Send cryptic messages to people via Facebook and Twitter
  6. Think of your high school boyfriend as the one who got away
  7. Refer to any boyfriend from that long ago by the era he’s associated with — no one cares that you dated Josh the summer after your freshman year at community college
  8. Wear holiday-themed outfits, like pastels and bows on Easter and red and green plaid on Christmas (unless you are Catherine and wear red and green plaid year-round)
  9. Quote self-help books and/or “Sex and the City” episodes — unless it’s in a mocking fashion
  10. Decorate your apartment from Pottery Barn Teen and/or Urban Outfitters
  11. Put up posters with tape or thumbtacks instead of frames
  12. Attend concerts featuring anyone who wasn’t born by the year you started college (i.e., Justin Bieber) unless you are escorting a much younger family member
  13. Olsen Twin movie marathons (I know, I know, “Passport to Paris” is a classic, but get over it)
  14. Calling men “boys” on a regular basis
  15. Say or write “LOL”
  16. Tote your dog around everywhere, unless you are blind and he/she is a seeing-eye dog.
  17. Want to be treated like a princess, to live life like it’s a fairytale, and to be looking for your Prince Charming
  18. Own teddy bears and other stuffed animals, unless you have one (singular!) that is left over from your childhood that holds a lot of sentimental value
  19. Call your father “daddy”
  20. Subscribe to teen magazines, unless you work as a writer specializing in teen issues
  21. Spend more than one hour on the phone with a friend, unless she truly is in a crisis or you haven’t talked to her in over a year and need to catch up
  22. Have your parents pay your bills, unless it’s your student loans and they insist OR you’re going through a short, temporary rough financial patch
  23. Consider a haircut a huge massive change of epic proportions, unless it’s a post-breakup haircut and you write one measly essay about the subject
  24. Consider your hair color to be a significant part of your identity, unless you’re a redhead
  25. Talk about how OMG wasted you got last night, like having a hangover makes you cool
  26. Lay out in the sun without sunscreen
  27. Sit on anyone’s lap, unless you’re trying to fit five people in a taxi that sits four
  28. Wear glasses for “fashion” when you don’t have a prescription or vision issues
  29. Feel any shame or embarrassment about masturbating

But you’re never too old to/for …

  1. Consider your dog your best friend
  2. Call your mom for advice
  3. A one-night-stand
  4. Ask for someone’s help — financial, emotional, whatever — when you really need it
  5. Discover your passion in life
  6. Eat breakfast for dinner
  7. Sleep in past 11 a.m.
  8. A nap
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