Dating. It’s the nightmare from which you never wake up. Why do we do it? Because it’s the best way to find the guy we want to marry. And why do we want to get married? So we never have to date again. Find out the seven types of guys you’re more than likely to end up dating along the way. Don’t say we didn’t warn you, girlfriend. 1. The Jock: You were in college. He was there. It just kind of happened. Looking back on it years later, this is the only way you’ll be able to explain how many days of your life you wasted on a guy who couldn’t punctuate his way out of a paper bag. Why did you date a guy who was, sure, nice but, how can we say this politely, a bit dim? Three word answer: He. Was. Hot. Sometimes, a physique can be so distracting.
2. The Lunatic: You knew he was crazy the first day that you met him, and you went out with him anyway. Not only did you go out with him, you had a relationship with him. It seemed like a good idea at the time, being the object of someone’s obsession. But when you dumped him, he wept openly in front of you, and that’s when you realized, you weren’t going out with a man, you were going out with a woman.
3. Mr. Smartypants: He went to an Ivy League school. He was a member of MENSA. He was polysyllabic. You felt smarter when you were around him — that is, until you didn’t. Then it occurred to you that he’d rather talk than have sex, and that is not how you roll. Eventually, you realized a ROOMBA would love you more than this robot. The sad truth is, it took him a week to notice you were gone.
4. The Loser: For a while, you could overlook the fact that he lived with his mom, that he didn’t have a job, that you paid for every single date. I mean, he was a nice guy, right? You had to draw the line when he lost the will to bathe with soap, when he started picking clothes up off the floor with his toes because he “didn’t have the energy” to bend over and pick them up, when he wondered out loud if depression was …. contagious. Thankfully, it wasn’t. Kicking him to the curb got rid of your depression-by-association, pronto.
5. The Jerk: He was hilarious! He was the life of the party! He would not let anyone or anything stop him from speaking his mind! It was all well and good when it was directed elsewhere, but a few months in, you became his new favorite target. As an “experiment,” when you asked him if you looked fat in those jeans, he said, “Yes!” That way, he explained, you would never ask him again. You didn’t even bother telling him the relationship was over; it’s not like he’d have cared.
6. The Pervert: He wasn’t bad. In fact, he was kind of good. And in bed, he was reallllllly good. Sexually speaking, he brought you to new heights, and you did things with him that you would really not like the internet to know about because you are not sure they are legal in all states. The dates and conversations were mere foreplay for what kept you together: bonin’. Sadly, he couldn’t keep it in his pants. He was God’s gift to women, or so he said. So, you let the other girls have him.
7. The Keeper: To quote David after the dentist: “Is this real life?” He’s handsome, but he’s no pretty boy. He’s ambitious and successful, but not a workaholic. He’s really into you, the real you, and maybe in some way that you can only admit to yourself now, you weren’t even the real you until you met him. Every other guy you dated was worth it if they led you to this one. You make frog legs for dinner and hope it lasts forever.