Tabloid Cheat Sheet: “Real Housewife” And “Lost” Star Are Cheaters? Brangelina Back In Love?

As the new year settles into same-old, same-old, the tabloids once again grasp for insights into celebrity lives. The weight loss, the weight gain, the cheating, lying, engagements, reunions, and insanity riddles the flimsy pages. These are the all-important “facts” you need to know until next week, when a new set of tabloids arises, like a glorious Phoenix from the flames of a million reputations set ablaze. Luckily, you can get the big stories here every week and remain untarnished by the massacre …

  • According to OK!, “The Bachelor”‘s Jake Pavelka and Ali Fedotowsky had a secret reunion while filming “The Bachelor: Women Tell All.” According to a witness, “They both held each other as long as they could and had their arms wrapped completely around one another, not letting go.” Apparently, Jake “lit up” when he saw Ali, who admits that even her mom told her to quit her job and stay with Jake but she was afraid to lose her life for someone that could reject her. The article hints that even if Ali becomes “The Bachelorette,” a reunion of the two lovers isn’t out of the question.
  • Are Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton in a race to the altar? Doubtful, but OK! says that Paris is “happy for Nicole, it’s just that she feels it’s time for her to enjoy the same kind of happiness Nicole has found.” A source says that every time Paris travels somewhere romantic with Doug Reinhardt, she is “devastated” to return without an engagement ring. The source goes on to say: “Doug’s very much in love with Paris. The question is how long is Paris prepared to wait?”
  • The tabloids have already begun using Elin Woods’ maiden name, Elin Nordegren, which shows very little faith in Tiger Woods’ marriage; this time OK! says that Elin has been “betrayed again.” Apparently, before he gave his public apology, Tiger told Elin he planned on announcing his return to golf at April’s Master Tournament and wouldn’t talk much about their marriage. An insider says, “She was expecting him to read his prepared speech, put in two lines she had approved about their relationship and that would be it. Instead, he mentioned her name eight times and said he would return to rehab…which he neglected to tell his wife.” Like most people, Elin didn’t trust the apology and the two are “barely speaking.” [OK!]

  • In my favorite type of story, Kelly Osbourne tells Us Weekly “How I Got Thin” and lost 42 pounds. Kelly admit that before “Dancing With the Stars,” she didn’t have much hope for her body, “I thought, I’m always going to be heavy, I better get used to it.” Now Kelly credits the Bar Method workout three times a week for her new figure. She’s not calorie-counting, but Kelly eliminated carbs and sugar and says just by giving up those things, she lost five pounds in one week. She also tries to drink a gallon of water a day. Kelly seems more positive but says of the past, “I took more hell for being fat than I did for being an absolute raging drug addict. I will never understand that.” Kelly and her mom are now working on a show to help mothers and daughters with their problems…which sounds kind of brilliant.
  • I kinda thought they’d broken up, but apparently Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick are working on their relationship even though fans and most of the Kardashian family love to hate the guy. Kourt has put Disick’s vodka-fueled embarrassment aside and says that having a baby had put things in perspective and forced Scott to grow up and the episode which aired recently depicting Scott drunkenly forcing a $100 dollar bill into a waiter’s mouth “was so long ago.” Momma Kardashian, Kris says “one of these days, he can actually stop wearing a bulletproof vest.” But just in case, maybe he should give it a few more months … those Kardashian girls are pretty tough.
  • Hilary Duff got engaged to her hockey player boyfriend Mike Comrie this week, while the couple was vacationing in Hawaii. My first reaction was surprise that the paparazzi have been following Duff since the last time she was in the tabloids, which certainly hasn’t been in the last year … and it’s impressive that they managed to get the actual engagement, fuzzy as it is, through the Four Seasons Resort window. The engagement ring is a beautiful 14-carat radiant-cut diamond designed by Comrie and costs an estimated $1 million. Apparently, Hilary’s family adores Comrie and even though they live in different countries (Comrie signed a deal in Edmonton, Canada), Hilary says “There’s never big pressure of what I have to do to keep him happy or vice versa. It’s natural for us.” [Us Weekly]

  • Hilarity ensues with the headline, “Why Jon Gosselin Hates Hailey Glassman’s Guts.” Jon got his comeuppance when Hailey told Steppin’ Out magazine, “He’s…like a 9-year-old boy. I’m serious. This is true. Anybody who sleeps with him will notice. It’s so tiny, tiny, tiny.” Hailey is pissed because she found out that Jon actually slept with Kate Major before taking all of Hailey’s money and dumping her. Just for added awesomeness, Hailey also said, “Jon imagines himself as some kind of stud — but he’s really a dud.”
  • This is weirdly the second time Eddie Fisher has come up this week, but Carrie Fisher is still pissed her dad left her mom, Debbie Reynolds, for Elizabeth Taylor and says that Eddie is “losing it” due to his longtime speed habit. Princess Leia let the world know in the weirdest way possible, via Twitter, writing, “landed in SF to see my dad whose kind of losing it-no surprise-he’s 81, shot speed 4 13yrs… Dad not on his game – dont know whos game he’s on whoever it is he’s locked in a bakery & organizing charity events w/ Obama. My dad is AWESOME” Huh.
  • “Lost” hottie Matthew Fox might have found what he was looking for …if he was looking for a scandal. The family man was allegedly caught cheating with a tattooed stripper named Stefani Talbott who works in the aptly named Bend, Oregon. The 26-year-old dancer says, “Yes, I’ve been having an affair with Matthew Fox. We had sex together.” Meanwhile, the 43-year-old actor denies having a sexual relationship with Stefani, but a source says, “Matthew’s partying is out of control. He’s boozing and carrying on with women. His carousing is at an all-time high.” [The National Enquirer]

  • It’s been a minute since Susan Boyle was in the spotlight, but at a recent performance at an Italian music festival, the singer said “Dreams have no expiry date. I’d like this to go on and on.” But this was mere hours after passing out at the Heathrow Airport and Boyle’s brothers don’t think she can handle it, saying, “The traveling and the whole [fame] thing is exhausting. She still has her anxieties and her loneliness. She needs 24-hour care. She needs to be looked after.” Donny Osmond, who met Boyle last year, knows what it’s like, saying, “This is a totally different life than she is used to—I told her to hang in there. You go from one extreme to another: sheer adulation to a lonely hotel room.” Her brother says that more than anything, “she would like to meet the right person” to share her life with. Get this woman a dating show, stat!
  • The always adorable Carrie Underwood is still beaming from her engagement to Hockey beau Mike Fisher. After their December engagement, Underwood blogged, “I think you all know what Santa left under the tree for me this year: a fiance! Woo hoo! We all couldn’t be happier.” The couple is often separated due to Underwood’s touring and Fisher’s Ottowa hockey schedule, but Carrie says they find romance in “the little things” like Fisher making dinner or Carrie cleaning and stocking his fridge. “It’s not grand romantic gestures,” Carrie says, adding, “we’re really considerate of one another.” They’re planning on a summer wedding and Carrie’s must-haves include “good food and an open bar.” Word.
  • Former “Baywatch” star Nicole Eggert talks about her weight gain and loss, telling People, “I’m in the best shape of my life,” but admitting that she sought comfort in food. She says she knew she was gaining weight, living in sweats and sitting on the couch “rotting,” but it wasn’t until she went to the grocery store in September and when she saw the tabloids, she thought to herself, “I have a bathing suit like that, and then I saw the word “Baywatch! And I went, ‘Oh my God.'” To lose a guestimated 15 pounds, Nicole’s been hiking and eating a lot of salads, oatmeal, and broiled fish and veggies. To get past the tabloid nightmare, Nicole made a Funny or Die video and joined “Celebrity Fit Club.” The actress is determined to keep up her new regime but does get nostalgic for her couch potato lifestyle: “I miss actually cutting something and chewing!” [People]

  • I’m mad at Star. Every week, there’s another cover story about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and this week, they’re apparently “Back in Love.” Seriously? According to the tab, the family’s trip to Venice (Italy) fixed everything: “The change of scene and the fact that they’re all together in one place has done wonders. Brad and Angelina were laughing and kissing and having a wonderful time together.” And apparently it was Brad who asked Angie’s estranged father, Jon Voight, to come and work things out with her because … “After all, Angie’s dad is the one who caused so many of her issues with men.” Brad also made Jennifer Aniston forgive her mother when they were together. Of the teary reunion, an insider says “she finally melted and hugged her dad for the first time in many years. He was teary and wouldn’t let go. Brad thinks having Jon in their lives again will remind Angie how important it is not to break up their own family.”
  • In more fun news, Heidi Montag has allegedly fallen for her “Boob Doc.” Maybe explaining the addiction to surgery, an insider says, “Heidi has known Dr. [Frank] Ryan for years, but lately she’s totally crushing on him and comes up with any excuse she can to stop by his office, she makes appointments for the most ridiculous things and stays as long as possible.” And Spencer is pissed. Another source says, “Let’s put it this way, Spencer is fast food. Dr. Ryan is the Ritz. Spencer has to scrounge around for money, and as for is reputation? Well, you know. Dr. Ryan is already filthy rich and is considered a genuinely caring person.” Dr. Ryan and Heidi had dinner in January at the Bony Pony Ranch (really?) but sources say that Dr. Ryan wouldn’t go after a married woman and has plenty of ladies to choose from. Bummer, because I kind of want to see Spencer’s face when that goes down.
  • “The Real Housewives of Orange County” star Vicki Gunvalson was caught making out with a 25-year-old college student Mike Pullin during a recent girls’ night out in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. But what will her husband of 15 years think? Mike Pullin went straight to Star and said, “Vicki was extremely outgoing and having a great time, like a sorority girl. I was flattered she was giving me so much attention.” After several rounds of tequila, they made out and Mike says, “She was a very good kisser. Then I felt her up, but she moved my hand away. It was clear she didn’t want to go too far because her friends were there and people were watching. But I wanted to fool around with her.” Lolz. Then Vicki turned dumb-dumb down and bailed, never to call again. Sounds like cougar bait got dissed and ran to the tabloids. Maybe if he didn’t talk like a 16-year-old boy, it could have worked out? [Star]