In the most appropriate collaboration since “Tool Academy” with Dave & Busters, Bristol Palin has signed on to guest star on ABC Family’s “The Secret Life of the American Teenager.” I haven’t figured out what the secret is yet, but I’m guessing it is about to have something to do with retroactive abstinence! Bristol will be playing herself in an upcoming episode, as a teen mom friend of Amy’s. I guess they will be bonding about how awesome not having sex is and how it’s super effective for preventing pregnancy. Bristol has said about her new gig, “I am thrilled to be on this show and to be part of a program that educates teens and young adults about the consequences of teen pregnancy. Regardless of what I did personally, I just think that abstinence is the only … 100 percent foolproof way to prevent pregnancy. It’s a hard choice, but it’s the safest choice and it’s the best choice.” Foolproof is such a funny word. It will be interesting to see whether a real-life teen mom can lend insight to our protagonist. And maybe baby Tripp will also make his acting debut? [ABC News] Fingers crossed that the writers don’t put unrealistic expectations on teenage viewers to see if they magically don’t get pregnant. (In a study of 12,000 teenagers, who took abstinence pledges, 88% had sex before marriage and the ones who did were much less likely to use contraception when they did.) I’m going to pitch a counter show called “Use A Frickin Condom” which will guest star Hilary Duff, who is the only young Hollywood actress I can think of right now who doesn’t have a baby and who can talk about these magical balloons that keep tadpoles from becoming fish. And during the course of the show, no one will get pregnant. It will be revolutionary. And foolproof.