27 Things Men Never Say (With A Straight Face)

We’ve pretty much never had a man refuse an offer for sex. We’ve had to abort the mission if he couldn’t, um, blast off, but “I’m too tired” doesn’t seem to be in the Guy Vocabulary. That got us thinking: What else can men be counted on to pretty much never say?

Here’s a list of phrases we’ve never, ever heard come out of a man’s mouth … at least not with a straight face.

  1. “Not tonight. I’m just not in the mood.”
  2. “Cover up, sweetie. You are leaving nothing to the imagination!”
  3. “Let’s throw the rest of that bacon away so we’re not tempted to eat it.”
  4. Tila Tequila? Oh yeah, I’d do her.”
  5. “I should throw these socks away. They are disgusting.”
  6. “Don’t sweat it; I’ll pay off your credit card balance.”
  7. “We should totally get tickets to that Taylor Swift concert!”
  8. “I’m not really into blow jobs.”
  9. “My friends think I’m a Miranda, but I really think I’m a Carrie.”
  10. “It’s OK, honey, I’ll do the laundry.”
  11. “How about a rom-com?”
  12. “Models just seem really vain and superficial to me. Why would you want to be around that?”
  13. ‘The View’ was better when Rosie was on it.”
  14. “Wow, my handlebar mustache looks really stupid.”
  15. “Just a garden salad with dressing on the side, please.”
  16. “Let’s go pick out a new bath mat today.”
  17. “I know you’ve been on the pill for awhile, but I really think we should wear a condom.”
  18. “We should offer to babysit your sister’s kid Saturday night. It’ll be so fun!”
  19. “It’s so not fair at family gatherings when all the women clear the table and do the dishes after we eat, while the men sit at the table and keep talking. I’m going to help out next time!
  20. “I think you should buy another purse.”
  21. “This is way too spicy for me.”
  22. “Wow, Tyra’s talk show is great!”
  23. “$350 is a totally reasonable price for that tee shirt.”
  24. “Your boobs look too big in that shirt.”
  25. “American Apparel’s Best Bottom In The World contest was such a terrible idea.”
  26. “We shouldn’t prank him — that would be so mean!”
  27. “Can I join your book club?”