Wow. We asked and damnnnn did you answer. Last week, while urging the ladies to fill out Esquire‘s “Survey of the American Woman,” we posed 50 questions for men that we wanted answered ASAP. We didn’t mean that quite as literally as some of you fellas took it, but holy hell, did we appreciate the many, many answers. I took it upon myself to weed through the comments and pulled out some of the best answers to many of our questions. Check ‘em out, after the jump…Question #2: Why do you take so long to poop?
“I try not to take too long. Most of my friends wonder how i poop so fast. I think it might be the wiping though.” – Timeguy55
“Because all of those Activia commercials are marketed to women.” –NomChompsky
“It depends on my reading material. Victor Hugo was one of the longest dumps I’ve ever taken.” —- Dennis Hong
“Because we are not ashamed to admit what we do and not just hurry up.” – Ramez
“Sometimes it’s nice to have the alone time. Also, I don’t want to leave to early only to return 15 minutes later for a sequel. And if I’m reading something, I might stay in to finish it.” – C.Munro
Question #3: Why do you cup your balls so much?
“I don’t. ‘Too much’ would describe someone who did it more often. I cup mine the exact right amount. And why at all? Gotta make adjustments, gotta make sure everything’s OK down there, gotta provide signals to the other guys where the hot women are (ball cupping is a complex set of motions, similar to the dance bees do to locate honey). We often fake-cup to throw the other guys off.” – _jsw_
“Sometimes they get slapped around a little too much while having fun, it hurts.” — Riley
“It feels nice most of the time. There is, for me at least, they are these things that are part of you but completely separate. its hard to explain.” – Timeguy55
“For protection. jk i just like playing with my balls when watching tv or talking on the phone. It’s not so much of a ‘cuping’ action as its in a gradual/gentle massage of the boys.” – QT-Sneezy
Question #5: Why ask for my number if you’re not going to actually call?
“Sometimes, in the moment (read: alcohol-induced/dopamine-assisted moment), we DO intend to call. And then we have time to think about it and decide that we don’t see a reason to. And sometimes because ‘Well… That’s it. Bye.’ seems too cruel. Call it an adherence to what we believe is the required social norm.” – FatalFlyingGuillotine
“Although I’ve never asked for a number knowing I’d never call, there have been many times where I thought I’d call back when I asked, only to change my mind later. That applies double if I’m inebriated when I asked for your number. Also, the longstanding tradition of writing phone numbers on bar napkins is all but dead. Nowadays I just ask her to call my cell phone, so her (real!) number will be in my incoming calls list, and my number will be in her outgoing calls. Then I text her the next day letting her know I had a great time and would like to see her again!” – Lee523
Question #6: Why the mindset that being in a long-term relationship is the end of fun?
“It is more of a joke than a mindset, something portrayed in every silly movie or the butt of many jokes. It also hurts that 3/5 of my friends in serious relationships are constantly complaining or being emasculated by their SO’s. Seems like they shacked up with mother 2.0 instead of a partner. — Riley
“Because the first long term relationship a man has with a woman is with his mothers, and we’re afraid you’re going to clean behind our ears and make us try okra. –NomChompsky
“Because most women expect to exercise a greater degree of control over our lives once we’re in a LTR with them. When you want us to not spend as much time doing what we want to do (drinking all night Friday with our friends, for example) and more time doing what you want us to do (getting up early Saturday to have brunch with your friends, for example), the result is a significant decrease in the fun we experience in a given week. Why is it so hard for you to understand that?” – C.Munro
“Because our single male friends rub it in our faces that we’re tied to one woman while they are out prowling and seemingly living the life. No matter how happy our girlfriend/fiance/wife makes us, our male friends know how to push our defensive macho button. Also, we like to have our own cliched “complaints” just as much as women do.” – FatalFlyingGuillotine
Question #7: Why are you so convinced that sex is so much more important for you than it is for women?
“That may have been the case for many generations of men but many of us no longer believe that is the case. I, for one, am very aware of the needs of my girlfriend (and was aware of the needs of previous partners) and know she finds the sexual element of our relationship very important. Now, commend me for my enlightened view on sex, please.” – FatalFlyingGuillotine
Question #10: What percentage of your female friends do you want to sleep with?
“Probably around 80%. No, wait, that’s a trick question. Close to 0% if you actually mean “would sleep with if I could” because it’s just trouble in the making. Closer to 100% if you mean “in a fantasy world where I could see what it was like and then hit the erase button so only I would remember.” – _jsw_
“Out of 10 close female friends, I would sleep with maybe 4. Only 1 is because of genuine attraction beyond a physical aspect.” – Riley
Question #12: Why do you always seem to be drawn to women who are dramatic?
“I’m not. I’m drawn to women in distress. I’m trying to alter that. I mean, being in distress on occasion is cool from a knight-to-the-rescue point of view. Always in distress is just incredibly draining.” – _jsw_
“I suffer from knight-in-shining-armoritis. At some point, though, it does get old. Knight-in-shining-armoritis is dependent on the notion that you can successfully help someone.” – Dennis Hong
“I’m not. But my theory on this is that most guys are drawn to women who are physically attractive. And a large percentage of physically attractive women grow up spoiled by the attention they get, and come to crave attention full-time. And creating drama is a way of attracting attention to yourself.” – C.Munro
“Because sometimes we enjoy drama as well. And sometimes that translates into “crazy women are better in bed” and we fall for it. Then we get impaled with a stiletto in some dramatic domestic argument and realize drama is bad.” – FatalFlyingGuillotine
“Unfortunately, sometimes it can be hard to tell the difference between General Female Loopiness and Needs Medication until it’s too late.” – FullCleveland
Question #15: What is going through your head when we’re annoyed with you?
“I imagine that you’re a circus axe thrower, and I’m the lovely assistant standing in front of the target. And I can only pray that none of your axes actually connect with any of my body parts.” – Dennis Hong
“It depends on the situation but if I feel like I’m being lectured or treated like a child it will affect the way I feel about you. How you treat a guy when you’re mad/annoyed with him says a lot about who you are as a person and your own personal maturity level. Take it easy, relax, do something else…but don’t tell me I’m doing something wrong if it doesn’t really matter – I will resent you for it.” — RogueNYC
Question #18: Why do you continue to eat spicy foods if it only makes you feel sick?
“Why do you continue to purchase and wear shoes that only hurt your feet? We do it because instant gratification is, at times, great. Personally, I love food and I will take the painful or uncomfortable aftermath that accompanies some food because life is too short to deal with the bland and boring. I want to eat what tastes good, damn it.” – FatalFlyingGuillotine
Question #26: Why do you just disappear? If you don’t want to keep dating me, why not just say something?
“Because it may get ugly and if we want out we either A) don’t want to hurt you, B) don’t care enough to deal with the potential drama or C) are cowardly.” – FatalFlyingGuillotine
“I personaly don’t want to make you feel bad. And what if my oppinion changes, would it be easier to go back to you after a break up? If its as hard on me when a girl says no it must crush a girl when a guy says no or never responds. I hate it i wish it didn’t work that way. Plus i could be scared. What if i don’t know what to do next and i want you to take the lead?” – Timeguy55
“We’re lazy & chicken, basically. I mean, what’s the point of having a long emotionally draining conversation about a relationship that never really got started and that I’m not interested in continuing ? And if I try to explain why I’m not interested, I’m gonna sound either mean or moronically inarticulate. Obviously, there’s a time/intensity factor where you’ve just gotta man up and have the conversation, but for a handful of casual dates over a couple of months it just doesn’t seem worth the agony.” – FullCleveland
“If guys 100 percent believed that the girl would not make a scene, ask awkward to answer questions like why, etc. or throw all sorts of blame at them then we would be more inclined not to just fade away. Can’t promise that? Then don’t blame guys.” – draymond
“There’s an assumption that you’ll put up a fight and probably cry, and guys hate dealing with crying. Our usual methods of dealing with it are 1. Fix what’s wrong or 2. Go hurt the jerk who made you cry. If we’re breaking it off, those methods don’t work, and we don’t always handle it in a way we’re proud of.” – King Koopa
Question #29: What are your expectations of a romantic partner?
“That is a very complex question. I dont’ know if i have the time or space to adequately answer this one. you need to be willing to try new things, to push me to do new things. Holding hands, hugging, being ok with some werid things and be willing to stand up. speak your mind, but don’t put me down. be able to wear the pants and the skirt. help me help you. Talk, speak, open up. Tell me, help me, help you. does that make sense? it so hard to explain, but ill know it when i feel it.” – Timeguy55
“don’t poop on stuff, don’t cheat on me, don’t buy a penguin as a pet without consulting me if you buy milk and it’s more than a month old throw it out, do the dishes if I cook, I’ll do them if you cook, there area ton of unsaid expectations.” – BeccaAnne’s boyfriend
“That they are willing to put equal amounts of effort into keeping the relationship stable, that despite our busy lifestyles there will be time for just us, even if it means staying up late or postponing something else, that there is mutual respect for one another’s feelings and needs, that they will listen as well as talk, that we find ways to work with or around the problems that arise, and that they are spontaneous sometimes.” – rshackpls
Question #31: Why don’t you ever change the toilet paper roll?
“I do. Unless I was using it up halfway through my business, then the new roll goes on top of the toilet. I’ll change it later.” – Riley
“Why is their a toilet paper roll to begin with? It is so much easier to just have the toilet paper sitting on the floor next to the toilet.” — RogueNYC
“I did once, and then you yelled at me for putting it in the wrong way. You’re crazy – paper goes over the top, not under the bottom.” – ECB23
Question #35: Do you really like the way we taste down there?
“Eh…I don’t dislike it. Oh, and redheads taste better.” – BeASimpleMan
“It depends. Not all of you taste the same. Usually the answer is “no.” Most of you taste like licking a 9-volt battery. It’s not the worst thing I’ve ever tasted, but it’s not strawberry ice cream either.” – C.Munro
Question #36: If she cheated on you, would you take her back and try to save the relationship? If not, would you expect the same from her?
“I would never cheat, and I would never take her back. I would cry for a while, but I can never imagine my turtle in the arms of another. –NomChompsky
“It entirely depends on the kind of cheating that occurred. Emotional cheating will be a huge one to work out for both of us, and so i’ll listen to cues on how determined you are to make it work. If you want it to work it out to save face, then please walk away right now.” – QT-Sneezy
“In the case of my current (and hopefully final) relationship, yes, I would want to save it. But I don’t know that I’m a strong enough man to not let it ruin the sexual element of our relationship. Hard to not visualize some man on top of her and move past that.” – FatalFlyingGuillotine
“For what it’s worth, I’ve always been fine with my gf occasionally seeing other guys, even a guy she’s been crushing out on, as long as it doesn’t involve anything unsafe. I like to send an unambiguous signal that I’m so completely secure in the strength of our relationship that i’m not even slightly afraid that she’ll leave me for anyone else.” – Lee523
Question #37: Do you have a hard time if she’s more successful financially?
“Hells no! My girlfriend just got a big promotion and, for the first time, I’m dating someone who makes more than me. It’s awesome.” – Dennis Hong
“Do you have a hard time if she’s more successful financially?No. Behind every strong and successful man is a woman. Behind every strong and successful woman is a man. It’s 2010, baby. Rock it!” – QT-Sneezy
Question #42: Do you care if they’re real boobs or fakes?
“Real boobs are always better. But boobs are also awesome in and of themselves. It’s like pizza. Even crappy, fake pizza is still pretty great.” – ECB23
“Real enough to squeeze is real enough. But for all our sakes, LOOK REAL. I’ve seen too many boob-jobs from Dr. Bob’s House of Pancakes and Discount Surgery.” – Easterner
Question #44: What does being kicked in the balls really feel like?
“It is a feeling that becomes the center of your universe. It’s more nausea than actual pain after a while… I mean, it’s like if you’ve even been around an animal that’s been sprayed by a skunk: it’s so intense, you can’t even at first identify it as a skunk smell because you’re overwhelmed. Same with getting kicked in the balls. It hurts, but it’s on a scale so vast that for a while, you just can’t even react and usually want to puke.” – _jsw_
“Imagine a moment of every nerve in your body suddenly coming awake. Think of it like drinking the first sip of coffee when you’re really tired. Suddenly, no matter what you were doing, you are entirely focused on this new and strange experience. Your eyes burst open with excitement. Then, as quickly as it came, this wave slowly rolls back over your body, and then it gives way to a sensation in the scrotum i can only describe as “swollen”. It feels like your testes are going to burst at any second. The pain is simply excruciating, and it’s showing no sign of dropping off. Then it travels upwards, and outwards. Your stomach feels bloated, filled with a pain that is so unpleasant, it cannot even be described. The pain finds it’s way into your thighs and keeps on radiating. And then you throw up. About a minute later, you might be good to go again, but you’re still gonna be walking funny for the rest of the day. You have find this informative.” – Laeraren
Question #45: What do you think about when you’re going down on us?
“Don’t forget the little man in the boat. Don’t get rough with the fingers. Keep it wet.” – Riley
“Is this the right little fold of skin? Or is it this one? or maybe that one? I’s like navigating the rocky mountans by touch trying to find Aspen. Faster? Slower? Keep the nose clear so you can still breathe!” – draymond
Question #49: Does your dick feel like a dangling appendage when you run?
“Not when I loop it around my neck. But seriously? No. That’s what duct tape is for.” – _jsw_
“”I wear compression gear when I run, not so much because of the dangling appendage, but because of the bouncing balls.” – BeASimpleMan