What You Can Learn From 7 Types Of Bitches

Ever heard the saying “Well-behaved women rarely make history”? No? Well, maybe you’re more familiar with this 2008 Tina Fey-ism: “Bitches get stuff done!” Fey was talking about Hillary Clinton, of course, but all of us bitches out there clutched our hearts in gratitude. Uber-competent, competitive, no-time-for-BS ball busters — bitches, for lack of a better word — are truly an under-appreciated segment of the population. Bitches aren’t necessarily bitter people, but they’re driven by a certain amount of frustration because they look around at the mess in the world and know they could do it better. So, in the spirit of Maxim‘s “What You Can Learn From Seven Types of A**holes,” let’s see what we can learn from the School of Bitch, shall we?

  1. The Bitch Who Gets Stuff Done. There’s nothing more frustrating than folks who waste time and money, always claiming they’ll get their work done “tomorrow,” “next year,” or even more vaguely, “eventually.” But bitches have this little engine inside them called drive and powered by this engine, they make things happen. If you make a mistake or need to revise, at least you have a foundation to work on. Not enough time? Not enough money? No matter. You’re smart enough to make it work. Bitches get stuff done.

    What you can learn from this bitch: Bitches who get stuff done know they should “just do it,” because if they don’t, some idiot might step in, do it for them and screw it up!

  2. The This-Job-Is-Beneath-Me Bitch. Chances are at some point in your early career, you work a job that blows chunks. Whether you’re photocopying, running errands, or making best friends with the filing cabinet, you know this job is totally below your capabilities — and that makes you pissed. I was once this bitch, actually: After four years at a great college and 18 months as a newspaper reporter, I was hired as a fact checker for the website of a magazine. Imagine my surprise then, when I was tasked with making photocopies eight hours a day for my first two weeks on the job. The mundaneness of it all nearly killed me! But I put my nose to the grindstone and tried to be as witty/pleasant/impressive as I could whenever I came in contact with the boss; I also tried to score as many freelance writing gigs as I could. And within a few months, I was hired away by a more fun, more interesting, better-paying magazine.

    What you can learn from this bitch: If there’s one thing you can take away from British period dramas about love affairs between the aristocracy and the working class, it’s that one should never accept one’s “station in life.” Bitches have ambition and the This-Job-Is-Beneath-Me Bitch puts her eyes on the prize. It doesn’t mean she tries to gank her boss’s job out from underneath them after six months on the job; she has to be reasonable. But this bitch has perspective and doesn’t put up with paper cuts and/or $7.15 an hour for longer than it takes to pay her dues.

  3. The You’re-Beneath-Me Bitch. Be careful when you’re trying to spot these bitches in the wild: There is a difference between the You’re-Beneath-Me Bitch and someone who’s just a snotty underminer. A snotty underminer is a fundamentally insecure person who constantly talks about her own accomplishments, name-drops, and offers to “help” anyone and everyone she comes in contact with. But the You’re-Beneath-Me Bitch is a good judge of character who realizes the people around her who are perhaps not as ambitious or driven as she is, so doesn’t get mixed up with their crap. She’s not unkind to these folks, per se. She just doesn’t get dragged down to their level, i.e., gossiping instead of working or arriving to the office every single day of the week hung-over.

    What you can learn from this bitch: Whether in your social life, work life, or family life, it can be frustrating to be surrounded by people who kind of suck. Unfortunately, they are unavoidable. But the You’re-Beneath-Me Bitch makes an effort not to get involved in their drama. Much like the This-Job-Is-Beneath-Me Bitch, she keeps her eyes on the prize and gets out!

  4. The Sexy Bitch. You don’t have to be a full-on dominatrix to be a Sexy Bitch; you just have to know what you want and demand it. You might even discover you get some thrills from being in charge in bed! Most guys, even if they don’t want to be sexually “submissive” all the time, will be down for the Sexy Bitch to take control. Oh, did I say they’ll be down for it? I meant they’ll be in awe. Any guys who aren’t in awe of your sexual power are not worth your time to schtup.

    What you can learn from this bitch: The Sexy Bitch understands and embraces the concept of sexual power and lets it fuel her confidence. But, more importantly, she brings that confidence to life outside of her bed. The Sexy Bitch isn’t a one-trick-pony kind of sex kitten; she’s actually more of an enigma.

  5. The Tell-It-Like-It-Is Bitch. A lot of people are happier with their heads in the sand, but the Tell-It-Like-It-Is Bitch (you might also know her as a “loudmouth”) doesn’t abide by nicey-nice sugarcoating and lies. In fact, kiss-assery makes this bitch want to puke.

    What you can learn form this bitch: While she can definitely be a liability in some social situations, the Tell-It-Like-It-Is Bitch is much, much appreciated by her friends for her candor and honesty. Some of us truly do want to know if this haircut looks busted or if the guy we’re dating is a bore. The Tell-It-Like-It-Is Bitch earns people’s trust and, eventually, respect for being ballsy enough to be honest.

  6. The Bossy Bitch. One of my sisters is a kindergarten teacher and that job definitely makes her a Bossy Bitch. My sibs and I roll our eyes 90 percent of the time when she tries to tell us what to do. Yet when it comes to planning birthday parties or family Christmases, it’s refreshing to have a Bossy Bitch to take the lead. But I’m not going to lie: It is hard to be a Bossy Bitch. In too many parts of the country — actually, the world — women are looked down upon for having the kind of leadership abilities that men get lauded for. The Bossy Bitch has to deal with scorn sometimes, but as the culture slowly changes, she also gets her fair share of praise.

    What you can learn from this bitch: Trusting one’s own judgment is an extremely valuable tool to have in life and the Bossy Bitch trusts her gut. Trust her, there’s nothing worse than not speaking up or taking the lead and ending up having dinner at a crap restaurant or doing a project that’s a bad idea. Who wants to kick themselves later?

  7. The Has-Your-Back Bitch. The older I get, the more I realize loyalty is my #1 most important value in any relationship. You might not even know who the Has-Your-Back Bitch is until you’re in hot water, but she’ll have your back like a mama bear, teeth gnashing. Never underestimate how valuable the Has-Your-Back Bitch is to have as a boss, mom or friend.

    What you can learn from this bitch: Standing up for other people isn’t easy, but it’s rewarding. If you are the Has-Your-Back Bitch for someone else, karma might just work out that someone else will be the Has-Your-Back Bitch for you. You’ll appreciate it.

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