The Winter Olympics are upon us and though I don’t care enough to actually watch the events, I care just enough to imagine the contenders naked. But it’s sometimes hard to see what’s going on under the layers—the goggles, the winter hats, and the frilly spandex figure skating outfits. This is why I’ve developed an ultra-scientific method combining snap judgments and aesthetics to decide who should be shunned, shagged, or married. And this one’s a doozy.
- SHUN: Evan Lysacek. The hugely talented figure skater is just too serious. Important in the Olympics, but tedious in a relationship. Even though he’s a very attractive guy, he just looks so stern most of the time—like he’s tracking down puppy killers or something. Plus, when Us Weekly asked Lysacek who his celebrity crush was, he said, “Sienna Miller. I see her at Chateau Marmont all the time, but I’m too intimidated to talk to her,” he said. Maybe it’s just because I inexplicably dislike Sienna, but the combination of her being Lysacek’s type and him name-dropping the Chateau in the process made me wary. And when I heard that he moved to Los Angeles and is taking acting classes, my wariness turned to disgust. He’s ranked second in the world for figure skating—why would he be gifted at acting as well? Will people just give up on thinking they’re going to be actors?
- SHAG: Shaun White. Even though I’m deathly afraid of combining redheads to create a Carrot Top ginger kid, there is something so charming about snowboarder/skateboarder Shaun White that the risks can be overlooked. The “Flying Tomato” nickname is pretty unfortunate, but as long as it’s kept out of the bedroom, this could be ignored. Shaun is always being photographed with hot girls, which is not only a challenge but also a better endorsement than Target and Mountain Dew … in bed. He might not be the cutest of the Olympians but he’s incredibly hip, business-savvy, and confident. His mouth is open in nearly every picture taken of him, locked in an excited goofy grin that shows he’s got a sense of humor and is enjoying life. He’s a professional in two sports and was the first person to pull a 1260 (three-and-a-half rotations) at the Winter X Games. He’s also been making his sponsors crazy amounts of cash, coming up with genius ideas like having Oakley make goggles, Ubisoft make a snowboarding game featuring him, and Burton to make a women’s line. He explained, “You’re not making clothes for the girls I want to hook up with.” And he plays guitar. Genius. Ginger. Bangtastic.
- MARRY: Johnny Weir. Since it is technically the future now, I dictate that it should be perfectly acceptable for a straight woman to marry a gay man. I love figure skater Johnny Weir an unacceptable amount considering I had no idea who he was until I caught his Sundance documentary “Pop Star on Ice” last week. There was some fashion, some figure skating, and some topless manboy hijinks that was uncomfortably hot. After his upcoming reality show (also on Sundance), Johnny wants to go to FIT to study fashion design, which isn’t surprising since he designs his costumes and has also designed costumes for Melissa Gregory, Denis Petukhov, and Oksana Baiul, who was his figure skating inspiration. He’s also modeled for Heatherette and taught Kathy Griffin to skate. Oh, and he’s obsessed with Russia and even taught himself Russian. Sure, it’s an issue that it would be a sexless marriage, but perhaps with some arrangement, you could both attend to your own needs. And if the talent, charisma, and legitimately great sense of humor weren’t enough, he also said, “Most Saturday nights, you will find me at home organizing sweaters or vacuuming or Swiffering, I am very ‘housewife.’” He can dress you and do the housework while being endlessly amazing and hilarious. Isn’t the future awesome?