10 Scary Childbirth Facts That’ll Alarm You More Than Your Biological Clock

Is there anything in the world cuter than a baby in a little doofy winter hat? If you answered yes, your biological clock is ticking louder than Marisa Tomei’s in “My Cousin Vinny.” And I’m right there with you, girl! But just because Mother Nature is ready for us to spawn, doesn’t mean we are. (Typical pushy mother issues, huh?) So what’s a girl to do? Get scared!

Yes, we all know birth and motherhood are beautiful, natural things to be revered. But it’s not all sunshine, lollipops and rainbows when you’re talking about pushing an eight-pound person out of your vag! So, hit the snooze button on your biological alarm clock with these ugly truths about what it takes to get one of those adorable bundles of joy.

  1. You might poop yourself during labor when the baby is coming out. Oh yeah, and shake and puke too. Fun!
  2. There is an entire industry that makes Kegel fitness equipment for your vag, so you can get it back in shape after you’ve had the baby. If you thought the gym was annoying, try lifting a steel rod with your hoo-ha.
  3. It is totally standard for a doc to cut your vag before it tears in childbirth with a procedure called an episiotomy. Although it’s not used 100% of the time anymore, some docs still opt to slit it first, before the baby does. Thanks?
  4. Stretch marks stay with you for life. Cocoa butter helps, but you’ll still bear the scars of indulging your baby fever.
  5. Hospital bills are expensive. It’s not just about coming up with dough for diapers and formula. Popping one out isn’t just painful for you, it really hurts your bank account too.
  6. After birth, there’s the afterbirth. Just when you think all the crap, er, baby, has come out, a wad of placenta slimes its way down the old vag track.
  7. You have to give up booze, coffee, pills, basically anything you saw on “Absolutely Fabulous,” for nine whole months. And let’s face it: booze is what got you preggers in the first place! Now you have to have sober sex for almost a year.
  8. Sure you’ll get to shop for a bunch of new clothes, but they’ll have an elastic waistband, just like your Grandma’s jogging pants. Nobody’s butt looks good in those things.
  9. Postpartum depression is a major bummer.
  10. As if the hormones weren’t driving you nuts already, once you start showing, all people will want to talk to you about is when you’re due. And then they’ll talk your ear off about their experience. Boring!
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