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Jessica Simpson Cannot Be That Good In Bed

John Mayer, I call bulls**t. In a recent interview with Playboy, the oversharing singer had this to say about his ex, Jessica Simpson:

Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me… Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm … 
Have you ever been with a girl who made you want to quit the rest of your life? Did you ever say, “I want to quit my life and just f**kin’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f**k you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep f**king you.”

I’m sorry, but there is NO WAY Jessica Simpson is that good in bed. For starters, Simpson was a virgin until she married Nick Lachey. Now, I am sure that once that dam broke — and Lachey finally got a piece after waiting for so long — she and her new hubs went at it like jack rabbits. Still, with both of them working a lot and often being separated, it’s not like they could practice every day. After they divorced, there were rumors she hooked up with ladies’ men like Dane Cook, Adam Levine, and Johnny Knoxville, but even if that’s true and they were able to teach her a thing or two, I still don’t think she had enough time to really get into the groove. Then she hooked up with Mayer — and I’m supposed to believe that her spotty sexual experience has resulted in skills so powerful they deserve to be compared to drugs? Nope, I don’t buy it.

Mostly, I’m offended that Mayer is so flippant about making such comparisons. Some people actually deserve such accolades and work hard for them! Like me. Look, I was a late bloomer too. I lost my V-card at nearly 21, but dammit, in the years since, I have worked damn hard at not only finding out what pleases others, but also what pleases me. I’m not shy in the sack, I’ve been told I give a damn good BJ — heck, I even swallow. What’s a girl gotta do to be compared to an illegal narcotic around here?

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