Every Guy’s Ideal Valentine’s Day Date Itinerary

Traditionally, Valentine’s Day is treated as a woman’s holiday. This sexist interpretation is due to the whole love-is-for-the-ladies thing that has been a part of American culture for the last hundred years or so. The classic image of the holiday is a man showing up on a woman’s doorstep with flowers and candy, and nearly every Valentine’s Day product out there is marketed toward men on the assumption that they’re the ones doing the buying around the 14th.

At its heart, though, Valentine’s Day is meant for couples, and last time we checked there were two people in a couple (sometimes three, depending on the laws in your state). Men should really enjoy the holiday as much as women, but for whatever reason, they tend to turn against it. Maybe it’s the actual date that makes us so anti-Valentine’s Day.

Here’s a look at an ideal way to spend Valentine’s Day, from a man’s perspective. 7:00 p.m.: Time to prepare for the date. Dress style is fairly casual, meaning no shirts with stains on them and pants without any Cheetos in the pockets. Some guys will want to dress up, but they’re not the norm. Most of us don’t want to try to figure out how irons work (note to men: it turns out they need to be plugged in).

7:30 p.m.: Our date shows up. We head out the door to dinner at a reasonably priced restaurant that serves a variety of meat products. The date does not require the cleaning of our vehicles; however, we’ve picked up some of the fast food trash that could potentially block the gas and break pedals. We arrive at the restaurant and have pleasant conversation about sports and jobs and such while the dinner rolls arrive. We eat the food, split the bill and head out for a pleasant walk in the park or to a movie.

9:30 p.m.: After aforementioned date activity is complete, you ask if we can go back to your place (or our place). On the way, we pick up some wine.

10:00 p.m.: Wine drinking and more light conversation continue. At no time is commitment mentioned, except in the following context: “Man, I really HATE commitment! What’s with that stuff? There is no reason for adults to engage in it.”

10:45 p.m.: If things are going well, sex commences.

10:46 p.m.: Sex ends.

10:50 p.m.: After apologies, sex begins again. It’s romantic, touching, and mutually beneficial.

11:30 p.m.: In bed, we look out the window and discuss sports again while drinking a few beers. Suddenly, we both realize we forgot to buy each other presents. After a bit of laughing, we remember that Valentine’s Day is a silly corporate holiday, and love is in no way justified by trying to out-buy each other. Several days later, we’ll exchange presents that we’d made for each other that are very simple and in no way imply commitment.

Admittedly, this might not be a universal take on Valentine’s Day, but it’s certainly an improvement, right? What’s your ideal Valentine’s Day date?