Tabloid Cheat Sheet: John Edwards Proposes To His Mistress? And She Slept With Jeff Goldblum?

We’re mere days away from Valentine’s Day and love is in the air! And by love, I mean baby daddies! Philanderers had better start running because there are 9-irons with your names on them and the tabloids have made sure that none of you are safe. Besides the cheating, there are also a lot of bikinis in this week’s glossies. Mostly on Jennifer Aniston, thankfully. And because you only care just enough to read the covers in the grocery store line, we’ve rounded up the most important stories for you!

  • OK! wanted to make sure we all saw former “Girls Next Door” co-star Kendra Wilkinson Baskett’s post-baby bikini body. Two months after giving birth to Hank IV, Kendra has lost 25 pounds (to be fair, some of that was baby) and all it took was a daily regimen of 45 minutes of “hardcore training and weightlifting,” followed by getting into her “fat burning zone,” and then cardio. She’s also working on her memoir. Cough. And expressed interest in squatting her way to a Kim Kardashian booty.
  • I guess it was a slow news day for OK! because one of the biggest stories featured was Beyonce talking about her new fragrance, Heat. Beyonce said of the experience, “I treated it like a song on my album or a video or anything else I do creatively—it comes straight from my heart, and I work hard to do it well.” Apparently, the fragrance took a year of testing to get perfect and was approved by hubby Jay-Z. “I was sure my man liked it. It would not have been approved if he didn’t like it!”
  • Presumably because they’d been in a photo together, OK! says that Jennifer Garner is helping to get Jessica Biel back on track in her relationship with Justin Timberlake. According to a source, “Jen advised her to back off and stop being so clingy. She even came up with a ‘relationship cheat sheet,’ including ways Jessica could spice things up and play hard to get at the same time.” The tabloid says that the advice is totally working, as demonstrated by a photo of the couple together four months ago. [OK! Magazine]

  • Us Weekly’s cover promised to reveal “Vienna [Girardi]‘s Double Life.” Inside, it’s mentioned that the internet is saying that Vienna will receive Jake Pavelka’s final rose and talks about Vienna’s interest in boy-band guys, from crashing an ‘NSync party trying to get on TV to dating Backstreet Boy Howie Dorough. Her ex-husband, Josh Riley, says, “Most of her conversations were about finding ways to get herself known.” A “pal” says that Vienna thought her breasts would help her modeling career but “her boobs were completely wonky! She had one nipple going one way and another nipple going the other way.” The cherry on top of the article was this pull quote: “I’m very intelligent,” followed tactfully by, “Not everyone agrees.”
  • Just last week, Brittany Murphy’s cause of death was released. Us Weekly reports, “She Didn’t Have to Die.” According to a friend, who went shopping with the actress in December, “We got her prescription filled for Vicodin, and the bottle was huge, it was the size of a water bottle!” Another source said she’d been feeling lousy for a year and a half, “but she didn’t want to stop working and go to the doctor because she was supporting her husband and mother.” The article goes on to say that Brittany had a history of drug abuse and her husband, Simon Monjack, is a scam artist who “made Brittany leave her agency and go somewhere that would sign them together.” He also allegedly hired himself as her photographer for all photo shoots and also did her hair and makeup. Erm. [Us Weekly]

  • Supposedly, John Edwards has proposed to his mistress, Rielle Hunter, and is buying a $3.5 million beachfront house for them and their love child, Frances Quinn. Edwards has legally separated from Elizabeth and they will be divorced this year. According to a source, “John knew Rielle had been waiting for a proposal for two long years. Since they’ve gotten involved, she’s followed every order he gave her, going on a cross-country cover-up, hiding away during her pregnancy and after giving birth, for the sake of his presidential aspirations. Rielle never uttered a peep about their affair publicly, and remained loyal to John. John felt she deserved to know that he wanted to raise their child together, and wanted Rielle in his life as his partner. John has said that when his divorce is final, he’ll buy her a diamond ring. But in the meantime, he’s getting them a house.” Poor Elizabeth. Seriously.
  • The most reliable tabloid, the National Enquirer, alleges that Tiger Woods cheated in rehab, which is what you might imagine is likely to happen when you put a bunch of sex addicts together in one place. Meanwhile, his former mistress Rachel Uchitel started dating Hooters heir Christopher Harding. The couple was seen at a club grinding and a source says, “It’s a match made in heaven for Rachel. As history has shown, Rachel likes her men rich.” They left the club with a police escort. The source says, “It was the most pretentious thing I’d ever seen. You’d have thought she was a head of state or something.”
  • That icky stripper who made me like Fergie and worry for Josh Duhamel is back, claiming she’s preggers with his love child from the one night they had sex. She told a friend, “It’s probably Josh’s. I haven’t decided what I’m going to do.” This is despite the fact that she told the National Enquirer last time that they’d used a raincoat. According to her friend, “Nicole told me she’s three-and-a-half months pregnant. She said, ‘I’m carrying a million dollar baby!'” Ugh. I don’t condone violence but I would love to see Fergie take this matter into her own hands. [National Enquirer]

  • People put Celine Dion on the cover, talking about her “Private Heartbreak” over her failed attempts at conceiving another child. After four IVF attempts, Celine is still determined on a second baby. “I’m going to try until it works,” she said. She’s started preparing for her fifth IVF treatment in six months, which requires estrogen patches, blood tests every other day, ultrasounds, and daily hormone injections. Her husband has said they’re “not really” considering adoption. Their son, Rene-Charles, is 9 years old, already mixes music on his computer and deejay table, just started regular school where he’s in second grade (are 9-year-olds in 2nd grade?) and he sleeps in his parents’ bed, which I’m sure he’ll be excited his mom told People in a few years.
  • People got exclusive pictures of Jennifer Aniston’s 41st birthday party in Mexico, where she celebrated with her friends Courteney Cox, Sheryl Crow, Gerard Butler, and others. The party included a mariachi band, margaritas, tanning on the beach, and an ’80s dance party at her private villa. Instead of presents, Jen asked everyone to donate to Friends of El Faro which helps Tijuana’s Casa Hogar Sion orphanage, because she’s the nicest person ever.
  • Former Wilson Phillips singer Carnie Wilson got gastric bypass surgery in 1999 and lost 150 pounds from her then-300-pound frame. But she’s since gained back 61 pounds and is trying to lose the weight again. Wilson is now starring in GSN’s reality show “Carnie Wilson: Unstapled” and talks about struggling with alcohol after losing the weight and having two children. While she lost the 70 pounds she gained in the first pregnancy over the course of three years, she’s struggling to lose the 61 pounds she gained having her second baby last June. She went on Dr. Oz’s show and he told her that she was morbidly obese and prediabetic and gave her a 90-day program of exercise and food journaling. The exercise and self-motivating isn’t easy for Wilson, who says, “I just want a big tub of buttered popcorn, and I want to lie on the couch and watch a movie, that was my first thought, not, ‘It’s a lovely day. Let’s go for a jog!’ Maybe Renee Zellweger would, but not me.” God, do I know what she means. [People]

  • Even though they only got fuzzy, zoomed-in pictures of Jennifer Aniston’s Mexico birthday party, since Gerard Butler was present, Star put “Jen & Gerard It’s On…Again!” on their cover. After Jen’s February 6th party, she was pretty happy. According to an insider, “She was teary-eyed. She had the best birthday ever!” Aniston allegedly refers to Butler as her “fun time” and apparently the actor snuck into her villa after the sun went down. According to a source, “She says he’s so hot and they have great chemistry.” They’re attractive adults who like each other; wouldn’t it be weirder if they weren’t sleeping together?
  • Because the John Edwards scandal was getting boring, Star came in to jazz it up with a new addition. A good one. Edward’s mistress, Rielle Hunter, allegedly cheated on Edwards with … Jeff Goldblum! Apparently, when Rielle got pregnant, she thought the baby (who’s super cute, btw) could have been Goldblum’s. Rielle and Goldblum met in an acting school where he’s a teacher. A friend of hers says, “Even though she was no ingenue, she still had hopes of breaking into acting. She liked men, the more successful the better. She even went after Kiefer Sutherland at a party for ’24,’ but he turned her down.” She spent evenings at Goldblum’s home. According to the source, “Jeff said he was in love. She pushed him to do better movies and to get his own TV series. They were extremely close— totally, 100 percent, a major item.” When Rielle was pregnant, Jeff thought the baby was his and when it came out that it was John Edward’s, he stopped talking to her. Poor Jeff Goldblum. I guess this proves that Earth girls really are easy.
  • Brad and Angelina really can’t catch a break. Even when they look happy together, the tabloids say it’s “All For Show.” Body-language expert Toni Coleman attacked the photos of Brangelina acting lovey-dovey at the Super Bowl, saying their kiss was a “‘movie-star-we-are-in-love’ kiss,” but “Brad’s eyes are wide open, and this is not a good indication of a strong relationship.” An eyewitness says, “Angelina was all over Brad, Angie thought that millions of people would see them together on TV. She knew it was the perfect opportunity to downplay the rumors of her splitting from Brad.” Coleman goes on to say the couple was “trying to show that they’re in sync with each other and happy to be together, but to me this feels contrived and exaggerated. You can tell these two are actors.” Um, but they’re kind of really good actors; why would they bother looking contrived? An insider says, “Angie is a master manipulator and can go on for months or even years like this.” Ugh. [Star]