The First Male Prostidude Is A Prostidud, According To An Undercover Client

I know we’ve all been eagerly awaiting the opening of The Shady Lady Ranch since it was greenlighted a couple of weeks ago in Nevada. Good news! They hired their first dude and they are finally open for bizzness. Meet “Markus” (real name: Patrick), the first legal, male hooker at The Shady Lady Ranch. Of course, all of us ladies are beside ourselves to know what this whole prostidude thingy consists of. Luckily, a New York Post reporter went undercover for an evening with Markus. What happened? I feel like a perv, but I kind of need to know. After the jump, find out what kind of bang for your buck you get at The Shady Lady. The Cost: Markus costs $200 for 40 minutes, $300 for one hour, and $500 for two hours.

The Setting: “Mostly dust, sunlight, and sadness. That, and the occasional sign about the importance of using latex condoms.” Red, heart-shaped whirlpool hot tub, vanilla-scented candles, some cheesy love music, and the sound of peacocks honking and female hookers giggling in the background. Nice.

The Precautions: A shower and full examination of lady bits and ween. Sounds very unsexy. I assume that there are condoms galore, only it’s not mentioned.

The Dude: Markus (Patrick) is 25 years old, tattooed, 5’9”, and very well endowed. He’s half Irish, a quarter Native American, a quarter Scandinavian. Favorite book: 1984. Favorite movie: “Braveheart.” Actor he’s like: Steve-O. Musician he’s like: Moby, or “Choppin.” (He meant Chopin). He’s originally from Alabama but left because he felt abandoned by his mother after his parents divorced at an early age. He thinks of himself as Rosa Parks, Lady Gaga, Van Gogh, and Moby all rolled into one. Weird. And just for the record, he doesn’t consider himself a hooker but rather “a surrogate lover.” Ha ha! And ahem … he was a virgin until age 23 because “no one wanted him.” [Editor’s note: That means he’s gay!] Before becoming America’s first legal prostidude, Markus did some porn but quit because he found it too degrading to women. He also loves French cooking, being caressed, and refuses to use Viagra. I’m wondering how much of this is actually the truth.

The Sexytime Details: There aren’t too many, folks, as this girl was pretty much turned off the whole time. From what I could surmise there was a massage, an offer for oral sex with his Gene Simmons-esque tongue, and claims that Markus can heal women with his sex. There was also a reference to a “trick box,” although we didn’t find out what was in it besides some lube. Then things got weird when Markus asked to be spanked and pleaded to be caressed. Eww.

The Verdict: The two-hour session is a bust. That’s $500 down the drain of a heart-shaped whirlpool. [New York Post]