Tabloid Cheat Sheet: John Edwards Hit Elizabeth? Angelina Is Going After Johnny Depp?

Happy hump day! It’s almost my least favorite holiday, Valentine’s Day, which means that love is in the air. This means that the tabloids are going crazy over star couplings and it’s starting to feel like musical chairs up in here. I know, it’s really hard to keep up. But this is why we do it for you! Once again, we’ve gathered the juiciest stories from this week’s tabloids so that you don’t have to leave the comfort of your home to be brainwashed versed in pop culture.

  • OK! confirmed our fairytale land suspicions that Brad Pitt still loves Jennifer Aniston but doesn’t want to leave Angelina Jolie because of the kidlets. Even though Brad and Angie looked like the perfect couple at the Director’s Guild Awards, OK!‘s investigative reporting proves otherwise. According to a witness, ““Brad was very calm and mellow and gave a great, funny speech — he had everyone on the floor with his imitation of Quentin. He and Angie seemed very happy.” Wait. That’s the proof? Maybe the professional analysis of Brad’s beard is proof? And that “Brangelina” author is still insisting that they’ll break up “when no one expects it.” Well, you know what they say about boiling kettles!
  • I guess John Mayer’s still on a high from his candid Rolling Stone interview, because he’s still saying pretty amazing things. This week my favorite Twitterer says he sends a lot of sexts, which is fine since he’s a sexy available man … unlike Tiger Woods: “Tiger Woods’ problems come from him being married. The end. It has nothing to do with control… If Tiger Woods was single, and he text[ed] a girl why would that ever hit the news?” He goes on to say, “I write a lot of dirty text messages to girls, and you’ve never seen any of them. Why? Because if a girl brought a dirty text message from me to the newspapers, they’d say ‘I don’t have an angle here. And that’s why he gets paid the big bucks, what a charmer!
  • Stephen Baldwin is working on getting a date to the Oscars … a date with his older and hotter brother, Alec Baldwin, to be precise. Alec will be hosting the awards (which will be amazing), so Stephen offered these words of persuasion: “Alec hosting the Oscars is a tremendous opportunity, and it’s quite apparent from his perspective that his dream date would be … me! If he was ever nervous about what he was doing, I could give him a few laughs and keep him calmed down and let him have fun.” It seems like Stephen is legitimately psyched for Alec, saying, “He’s on a tremendous roll at this point in his career. Listen, we’re four dumb jocks from Long Island, New York. We’re not supposed to be here. This is a lot of fun, and it’s very exciting.” But Alec recently got back into a relationship with Nicole Seidel, so Stephen might have to find a better angle. [OK! Magazine]

  • Us Weekly brings some “Bachelor” Dirty Secrets. Apparently, contestant Vienna Girardi is a total horror show; the 23-year-old unemployed, former Hooters waitress took her ex-husband’s last $5,000 from his bank account to finance her new boobs, all while he was stuck in Iraq as a Marine. His mother says, “She took every bit of his money, I know that boob job was the first thing she had done.” And when her ex-hubby returned after being injured, his mom says Vienna “had locked his belongings in storage and would not tell us where they were.” Her ex-husband says, “Marrying her was a mistake… She slept with one of my buddies I was deployed with … I’m 99 percent sure she cheated on me.” I guess selling your story to Us is a good way to get back the boob money!
  • Brittany Murphy’s husband, Simon Monjack, canceled a launch party this week for The Brittany Murphy Foundation, an arts education charity for children. The event suggested a donation of $1,000 per person or $10,000 from corporations, but Monjack had his assistant call the guests to cancel, saying he has pneumonia. One source suggests that might be a cover: “He probably realized that everyone thought what he was doing was so tacky, so he decided to cancel.” Maybe Monjack should let Brittany’s mom take over since, apparently, everyone hates him?
  • Calvin Klein is doing great things, employing “Twilight” hottie Kellan Lutz, “True Blood”‘s Mehcad Brooks, and some athletes I’ve never heard of to model their men’s undies for their X collection. Women’s Wear Daily says that this is Calvin Klein’s most digital campaign yet, which will include videos, interviews, and 3-D-effect versions of the ads. Lutz didn’t mention working out for the gig but he does have a diet tip — “I swear, candy helps! Gummy bears! It helps fight the hunger of higher calorie foods, but it is bad for the teeth.” Um. I eat a lot of candy; it totally doesn’t help. [Us Weekly]

  • The National Enquirer reports that Elizabeth Edwards told a friend that her and her husband,
    John Edwards, had a horrific fight and John beat her up. Elizabeth allegedly said, “When he [John] made the decision to hit me, it was over.” The friend says that Elizabeth sometimes gets physical with her anger towards John as well: “Elizabeth has slapped John in the past during fights over his extramarital affair with Rielle. She was so tormented by John’s cheating and lies that she lashed out physically at him many times, even slapping him. On a couple of occasions, when the fights became heated, she grabbed him by the shoulders and screamed, ‘Why, why, why?!'” Apparently, this fight escalated where John fought back; John lost his temper big-time. She has the divorce papers drawn up, but she can amend them to charge John with domestic violence.”
  • Apparently Tiger Woods is freaking out at sex rehab because he will have to take a lie detector test. According to an insider, “He went absolutely ballistic when he was told during the early days of his treatment at the Gentle Path rehab program that a polygraph test is required of all patients, Tiger came into the program believing there was nothing wrong with him. Sex addicts are continual liars, but there’s no lying inside Gentle Path. He was so stunned that he started having anxiety attacks. He began having trouble sleeping, and the center prescribed medicine to help with the stress.” So, sounds like there is a mess of skeletons in Tiger’s closet that he doesn’t want dancing around maybe?
  • It sounds like Jennifer Aniston isn’t going to hold her breath for Brad to dump Angie and swoop her off to their marital home; Jen’s newly remodeled house isn’t guy-friendly anymore, according to Architectural Digest. There were originally his-and-hers baths, but Jen turned the “his” side into a spa bath and a soaking tub. Her bedroom has a wool and silk shag carpet and a platform bed. Jen describes the home lovingly, “it’s like a big hug… The house has a rather glamorous, old-fashioned Hollywood quality. I can just imagine the Rat Pack stopping by; someone is playing the piano, and people are laughing in the next room.” I like how even Architectural Digest feels like they have to emphasize that Jen’s alone, even though she sounds really excited. [The National Enquirer]

  • I’m going to try to remain unbiased (unlike last week) in reporting that People put the Duggars on the cover with this cover line: “The Duggars under fire, how many kids are too many?” While their daughter Josie is battling for her life, Michelle and Jim Bob would still maybe like to have more children, despite the dangers which have re-ignited controversy. Though the other 18 kids can’t see the baby, Jim Bob records videos on his iPhone from inside her incubator to show the others.
  • Heidi Montag and her new face went home to visit her mom in Colorado, and, unsurprisingly, her mom was not psyched. Heidi says, “I was nervous, but also excited … I never thought in my wildest dreams she was going to react the way she did, she was looking at me almost like a zoo animal. It wasn’t like I was her daughter anymore. She was looking at me like I was a circus freak. I think she was most upset that Spencer was there for me and she wasn’t. She was saying how sad it is that my confidence is gone because of the music industry I’m trying to get into. I wanted to be the most beautiful, inside and out. It’s part of being a pop star.” Or maybe she was bummed that the baby she carried and raised to adulthood ran off and turned her face into a mask of plastic? Poor moms and the things we do to torture them.
  • It sounds like Fall Out Boy is breaking up, which is almost as surprising as the fact that they were still together since I haven’t heard a new song from them in four years. Pete Wentz blogged, “as far as I know, Fall Out Boy is on break … I can’t predict that I’d ever play in Fall Out Boy again.” Frontman Patrick Stump (who never got any attention because Wentz the bassist is better looking, which is sad) is working on a solo album and told Spin, “I’m not in Fall Out Boy right now. One way or another, the band will always be around.” Wentz also Twittered dramatically, “Something would have to change in my head or my heart – not my wallet. It’d have to be real. A hiatus is forever until you get lonely or old, [and] I don’t plan on either.” Oh well, we’ll always have that one song…or that other one. [People]

  • Star and I may be the only ones who care about this, but Melissa Joan Hart and Joey Lawrence are joining forces for a new ABC family sitcom about a female politician who takes in her teenage niece and tweenage nephew when her sister gets locked up in the big house … then she hires a hunky manny. The couple also starred in an ABC Family movie I saw (more than once) called “My Fake Fiance,” which was way better than the Lifetime movie where Hart kidnaps Mario Lopez and pretends he’s her boyfriend, but not as good as old “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” or “Clarrisa Explains it All” episodes … in case you were wondering.
  • Star has decided that Angelina is for sure going to fall in love with Johnny Depp since they’re co-starring in “The Tourist,” which will be filming in Venice, Italy. In fact, she’s already allegedly making her move, according to an insider they’ve already met alone to “discuss his [Depp’s] acting method. She’s already spent hours there drinking red wine with Johnny.” Angie met both of her husbands and Brad while working on movies with them and since she stole Billy Bob Thornton from Laura Dern and Brad from Jen, obviously she’s planning on taking Johnny from Vanessa Paradis. A friend says, “She goes on and on about how fabulous Johnny is. She’s intense and goes for anything and anyone she wants. She has no limits!” Stay strong, Johnny Depp!
  • Even though Gerard Butler was allegedly flirting with Aniston last week, this week he is Reese Witherspoon’s rebound from Jake Gyllenhaal. A friend says, “Reese’s friends are giggling about her secretly meeting up with Gerard. She thinks he’s superhot! Reese is just having a good time with him. They’ve hung out a few times, mostly at his place in L.A.” Apparently, New Line Cinema wanted the pair to read scripts together and thought they would “make a hot on-screen couple.” Things progressed from there after they realized there was, in fact, chemistry. But Reese still really cares about Jake and doesn’t want anything serious, “Reese doesn’t want to hurt Jake’s feelings and doesn’t want him to know about her and Gerard. She’s not interested in taking it a step further with Gerard — and that’s how she wants to keep it.” [Star]