There are two kinds of nights out on the town:
- The nights you plan a big night out, when you shower, you shave, you wax, you pluck, you blow out your hair, slip into your sexiest heels, and suck in your stomach so you can squeeze into your cleavage-baring, skin-hugging, make-a-guy-melt top.
- Those lazy nights when you haven’t shaved your legs, you’re still wearing the T-shirt you woke up in paired with jeans you haven’t washed in weeks, and all you have time to do with your hair is pull it into a low ponytail so people can’t tell how greasy it is.
Now here’s the quiz: Which night are you going to end up kissing a hot guy in a dark corner who wants to take you home to rip off your clothes and ravage you? Say it with me everyone—the answer is 2. Like the gravitational pull of the moon that causes the tides to ebb and flow, there is a strong and as-yet-unmeasured power that pulls men toward you when you’re really not ready for it. This, my friends, is the mysterious appeal of the Grubby Glow.At some point in every single woman’s life, you awaken to its power. As one friend of mine used to say, “I have nothing to wear to this party, but I know if I go out and blow money on something cute, I’m guaranteed not to meet anyone.” And before I started using dating optimism, I would seriously debate shaving my armpits for fear of ruining my mojo—of being, as my friend Parker calls the opposite, “groomed for doom.”
The magnetizing power of the Grubby Glow is no accident. See, the nights you’re over-prepped and super-primped and urgently scanning the room for a guy to appreciate it, those are the nights you’re not believing in the certainty that your half-orange will find you no matter what. On those nights, you may be thinking, Come on, guys, notice me! Look how hot/cute/sexy I am tonight! Don’t you want to date me . . . and love me . . . then marry me? And those thoughts are coming from a place of fearing you won’t get it if you don’t flaunt it. In essence, you’re sending out “I need to get some tonight!” pheromones reeking of desperation and anxiety, which emanate from you like the garlic in shrimp scampi a day later. It makes your loneliness seem larger and your biological clock tick louder. And you know what happens when your biological clock ticks too loud? Men mistake it for a bomb and go running for cover.
So what about the nights you don’t prep yourself, when you go out looking like your most natural self? Those are the nights you shine with confidence. On those nights, you’re probably thinking, Since I’m obviously not going to meet a guy tonight looking like this, I’ll just enjoy my friends and appreciate the music. Well, guess what energy that sends from your body? A message that you like your life. Your positive thoughts put out a positive feeling to the universe that you feel calm, content, and happy; without even realizing it, those are the nights that your true smile creeps up all on its own. That’s the version of yourself you want to be when you’re in a relationship, right? Where you feel beautiful in your skin, no matter how little makeup you’re wearing? Then that’s the version of yourself you should aim for. Dress from the inside out.
I’m not suggesting that you stop showering, shaving, and waxing if you feel better about yourself when you do. What I am suggesting is you make sure you’re doing those things for yourself, not for the purpose of hunting and landing a guy. Your intentions matter. Look and feel beautiful from within, and you’ll be more attractive than anything you can wear on the outside.
Remember: If you’re focusing on your dream relationship and really feeling what it will be like when your half-orange comes along, he’ll come! He’ll come whether you’re showered and shaved or not. He’ll come if you’re dolled up at a dinner party or stuck in line for a port-a-potty. He’ll show up whether you’re wearing a little black dress and sexy heels, or a sweatshirt and jeans on the way to the post office. And he’ll find you beautiful because he won’t be drawn to you by your primping—he’ll be drawn by the gorgeous energy you’re sending out. Trust me, he’ll barely notice the expensive dress or cheap gym outfit because he’ll be so busy looking at how happy you are, thinking, Now, that’s a woman I want to come home to every night.
This is an excerpt from Amy Spencer’s book Meeting Your Half-Orange: An Utterly Upbeat Guide to Using Dating Optimism To Find Your Perfect Match, which is available to buy today. While you’re at it, check out Amy’s awesome blog, The Dating Optimist.