A Brief History Of Drew Barrymore’s Love Life

Over the weekend, Drew Barrymore’s Facebook status switched to “I’m engaged,” setting the world into a frenzy that she’s about to become Mrs. I’m A Mac. But alas, the pair is not about to ride off into the sunset in their Converse and ripped jeans. Drew’s reps say that it isn’t true, and that the change will soon be amended. Should we be surprised? No. When it comes to love, Drew is a bit of “the girl who cried wolf”—the “wolf” in this strained metaphor being a long-lasting relationship. Let’s take a stroll down Drew’s memory lane, and remember all the male visitors that have stopped by who seemed to have real staying power. After the jump, a brief history of the love life of Drew and our predictions for her future with Justin. [Newser]

Drew’s Age: 16

Dude: Leland Hayward, Hollywood royalty

Relationship Level: Engaged. Should anyone be engaged at age 16? Answer: no. But let’s just all forget about Drew’s stupidity at the age of 16. This doesn’t really count.

Relationship Length: Three months

Success Rating: 0

Drew’s Age: 17-18

Dude: Jamie Walters, aka Ray Pruitt on “90210”

Relationship Lavel: Engaged and cohabited. Yeah, they split. Umm … still waaay too young to get hitched.

Relationship Length: One year

Success Rating: 2

Drew’s Age: 19

Dude: Bar owner Jeremy Thomas

Relationship Level: Married. Divorced. The couple ran off and got hitched after six weeks. I wonder if alcohol had anything to do with this? Big mistake, Drew.

Relationship Length: Less than a year. Filed for divorce in less than two months. If only it were a drop shorter, she could have gone for an annulment.

Success Rating: 1

Drew’s Age: 24-27

Dude: Comedian Tom Green

Relationship Level: Married. Divorced. The pair met on the set of “Charlie’s Angels” and dated through his battle with testicular cancer. Soon after they got married. Even though they survived cancer and a house fire, they did not survive marriage. But it was a valiant effort.

Relationship Length: Dating roughly two years. Married roughly one.

Success Rating: 4

Drew’s Age: 27-32

Dude: Fabrizio Moretti of The Strokes

Relationship Level: Drew and Fab dated seriously and she called this “the most positive relationship [she’s] ever been in.” They split amicably in 2007 because Drew wanted a family. This relationship is totally acceptable in every way.

Relationship Length: Five years.

Success Rating: 9

Drew’s Age: 32-34

Dude: Justin Long (I know him best as “the Apple guy”)

Relationship Level: On and off dating.

Relationship Length: Two years? Or one year if you count the “off” periods?

Predicted Success: Drew has made enough mistake to know what she wants at this point. But is it Justin? I think their successful future together is dependent upon them deciding they both want the same thing right now. The on again off again makes me nervous, though. So does the engaged, not engaged. Make up your mind and stop messing with our heads.