23 Guys I’ll Never Get The Chance To Bang

My whole dating strategy the past few years has been to act like a kid in a penny candy store. I’ve been bagging any man who looks tasty, just getting a couple bites, then moving on to the next flavor. They’ve all been sweet, but, frankly, I’m starting to get a toothache. Now that I’ve really seen what’s out there on the market, I’ve been able to narrow down the ones I have no chance of ever finding, wooing, or making it work with. Here’s who I’ve got so far …

  1. Male model
  2. Billionaire
  3. Bounty hunter (I’m a good girl, I swear)
  4. Stand-up comedian who is actually funny
  5. Guy who uses all those little sauce packets that come with Chinese take-out so I don’t have to feel guilty about always throwing them out
  6. An explorer
  7. Sexy snowboarder named Shaun White
  8. Actually, any pro athlete for that matter
  9. Newspaper man
  10. Magician whose appeal isn’t an illusion
  11. Lumberjack — and not just a guy with a beard and a plaid shirt
  12. Dancer
  13. Surfer
  14. Fancy shoe maker
  15. Juicehead guido who wouldn’t fist-bump at our wedding
  16. Dude who does not like to do it with the light on
  17. Reality show “winner”
  18. Astronaut Mike Dexter
  19. Rock star who doesn’t cheat
  20. Bartender, whilst he’s sober
  21. Plastic surgeon
  22. Politician (I’ve got some photos on the internet that explain why … )
  23. Man who does not want to have anal sex