What Women Are Really Saying With Their Clothes

I feel really sorry for the guys who read Men’s Health and get all sorts of bad advice … usually in the form of “insightful” articles written by women. I can only imagine these ladies must have been dumped hard-core — maybe in a text message or at their mother’s funeral or something — to have it out for men the way they do. What else explains the desire to push guys in the wrong direction time and time again? To set them up not just for rejection and failure, but for utter humiliation as well? This time the readers of Men’s Health — oh, the poor lot — have been led to believe they can decipher a woman’s thoughts by the clothes she’s wearing. After the jump, Men’s Health translates different outfits and then I say what we women are really saying.SCENARIO: We’re wearing a belted dress or skirt.

Men’s Health says: We “feel pretty, classically feminine, and flirty.” We want to be “wooed by a more mature kind of man.”

I say: We can’t wait to get home so we can undo our belt, slip back into our yoga pants and camp out in front of a “Bridezillas” marathon with a pint of Haagen-Dazs.

SCENARIO: We’re wearing a “revealing v-neck top.”

Men’s Health says: We’re ready to get busy and possibly even make a baby. Something to do with ovulation and dressing sexier when our bodies tell us it’s time to procreate?

I say: It’s clean, it fits, it looks good with our new skinny jeans. Also, we like the way our boobs look in it.

SCENARIO: We’re wearing high heels.

Men’s Health says: We want the guys to check out our butt.

I say: We want our girlfriends to check out our shoes.

SCENARIO: We’re wearing something red.

Men’s Health says: We want to be noticed.

I say: Red looks good with our new cute shoes. Oh, have you seen them yet? So cute, right? And they were on sale!! $78 marked down from $165. Preach it.

SCENARIO: We’re wearing a “snug, soft sweater.”

Men’s Health says: We want to be touched.

I say: Dude, it’s cold out.

SCENARIO: We’re wearing a top that reveals our bra straps.

Men’s Health says: We want the guys to notice our shoulders … and our sexy lingerie.

I say: We got hot, so we took off our snug, soft sweater. Is our bra strap showing? Oh. Oh, well. Hey, have you see our new shoes yet?