An Open Letter To Taylor Swift

Dear Taylor,

I am writing to offer you some unsolicited advice. I heard that rumor about you and ass hat, John Mayer. Whether you are actually dating him or not (I really hope it’s just a rumor), I would like to point out that it’s a really bad idea to get involved/remain involved with him. Why? You are fresh meat; he is tainted meat. By scientific principle, tainted meat destroys fresh meat if they come within close proximity. See: E. coli. Taylor, I know from experience that bad boys will poison your life. Before you defend your feelings for Mr. Mayer, please hear me out. [Celebitchy]

How do I know John Mayer is tainted meat? If it looks like a douche, walks like a douche, and talks like a douche—it’s a douche. But don’t take my word for it. John’s been ‘round Tinsel Town. I would schedule coffee dates with his conquests ex-girlfriends, like Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson, Cameron Diaz, and Minka Kelly before you let John in your pants. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but did you know that John has a problem with chronic masturbation? Umm … he’s a womanizer and most likely a sex addict.

And what are his intentions? The man has a cougar fetish, so he could be trying to screw your mom. And I’m not convinced he’s not gay, so keep your brother well hidden if you have one. Let’s talk about his clothing choices. Did you see him in that neon green v-strap, the sailor outfit, the peacock smoking jacket? Take a closer look, young lady. Notice a theme. His outfits say, “I am attention-seeking, needy, and possibly into men.”

He swore off dating only one month ago and now he’s right back at it with you. Doesn’t that make you the least bit suspicious that he can’t be alone? He doesn’t want to be with you … he just wants to be with someone who will rock his dock. As the goddess Patti Stanger predicts, the man has a bleak romantic future ahead of him. And you deserve no part in it. So don’t stroke his huge ego or become another notch on his douchey bedpost. You’re worth more than that. Preserve your self-respect. You are young, beautiful, talented, pure, and can probably still get Taylor Lautner back. Have fun with Lautner, lick his amazing abs. Heck, make a sex tape if you want to rebel against your mother—just don’t leak it on the web. But please, we beg you, STAY AWAY FROM JOHN MAYER!


A Concerned Friskian