Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Jen’s Taking Brad Back? Oprah’s “Big Gay Lie”?

I don’t know how, but it’s Wednesday again. Time to head over to TGIW for some wings and beer and pretend there aren’t 2.5 more days left in the work week. And with all the excitement of award shows and new TV seasons starting up again, you might not have realized that celebrities have been creating little scandals for our amusement! Or, more accurately, that the tabloid writers have been racking their brains to find fictional ways to thrill us. And because you’re an adult who doesn’t have time to worry about such pettiness, we’ve done it for you by compiling the most interesting stories from all your favorite tabloids. You’re welcome.

  • After three years of standing by her cheating man, Elizabeth Edwards has had enough. When she met baby Quinn, Elizabeth brought presents and took a picture of the girl, saying, “Go stand next to Daddy.” Elizabeth’s sister says, “I don’t know how she could do that. She just has a big heart … A long marriage is a tough habit to break, and when you throw in incurable cancer and young children, it makes you waver. But I hear peace in her voice that I haven’t heard in a long time.”
  • Former “American Idol” winner Fantasia is trying to get her life back together after gaining 30 pounds and almost losing her house. “It was so bad I couldn’t even order a pizza!” she said. Fantasia was supporting her daughter, Zion, as well as her mother, three siblings, and other relatives. She had to cancel several performances in Broadway’s “The Color Purple” when her throat bothered her—turns out she had a hemorrhagic polyp on her vocal cords, which has since been removed. She’s now returning to “The Color Purple” in Los Angeles, putting herself on a budget, and working on getting her GED, all of which will be part of her VH1 show, “Fantasia for Real.”
  • Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar are caring for their 19th child, Josie—who is a micro preemie, born 25 weeks early. The tiny baby is hooked up to intensive care and Jim Bob says, “It is a miracle she is doing so well, we feel like first-time parents all over again.” The parents, who’ve been breeding consistently about every 18 months, believe that every child is a gift from God. Even though this last pregnancy nearly killed Michelle and baby. Jim Bob already has big plans for Josie. He says, “She’s 20, she’s wearing a big, white wedding dress. I’m walking her down the aisle, and I tell her she is a miracle, it will be a beautiful day.” Which seems like an appropriate amount of pressure for a baby who can’t breath on her own yet. [People]

  • I was excited when OK! promised that Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt were back together, but the missing ellipses were “for the Haiti Now Telethon.” Seriously? Well, apparently Brad was “filled with emotion” over Jen’s warm reception of him and has become increasingly concerned that leaving Jen was “the biggest mistake of his life,” according to a friend. Said friend says, “He’s obsessed with her. She seems to be on his mind all the time now.” Brad allegedly considered shaving his beard for the occasion as it was the first time in five years that the two have made a public appearance without Angelina around. Jen’s friend says, “There is a good chance that if this [breakup] is real, and after the dust has settled, Jen will meet up with Brad. They really do love each other, and that never died.” Awww.
  • OK! reports that Britney Spears is “on the brink” of another breakdown. Aren’t we all? Apparently, unlike other human beings, “Britney has up moods and depressed moods.” According to a source, she’s now in the depressed mood. A pal says, “It’s sad, I’m not sure she’s eating. She’s struggling to get up in the morning. She bursts into tears in front of the kids.” She’s also driving around aimlessly a lot, has started chewing off her (fake) nails, goes on spendy shopping trips when she’s supposed to be in court, and “her British accent is back.”
  • In cute stuff news, Maddox Jolie-Pitt recently attended a Saints game in New Orleans with dad Brad, but he had trouble concentrating on the game because Kim Kardashian was there! A family friend says, “He has a huge crush on Kim … He used the words ‘hottest girl’ to be exact.” When her picture went up on the big screen, the 8-year-old got “all giggly.” Apparently, Kim is flattered to be Maddox’s first celeb crush. [OK!]

  • Adding fire to the flames of Angelina and Brad’s relationship rumor mill, Us Weekly says that the couple has met with a Los Angeles divorce lawyer to sign a “split deal.” A Jolie-Pitt confidant has confirmed that there is indeed a custody and property agreement but, they’re still together and the documents are simply to protect the children in case. Family friends blame Angelina for making Brad feel like nothing he does is right. “She screams and badgers him about everything … She’ll yell at him when he makes the eggs too runny or burns something.” They also argue about the children’s schooling (Brad wants them to be in New Orleans while Angie prefers home-schooling) and they argue about arguing in front of the kids. (Angie thinks it’s healthy for them to develop their own opinions.) The only thing good thing in their relationship right now is apparently feisty post-fight sex.
  • Tiger and Elin Woods reunited this week at the sex rehab clinic to decide whether their marriage can be saved. According to a pal, “[Elin] hasn’t decided what she wants to do.” And while she’s met with attorneys, her mother urged her not to “rush into anything.” Meanwhile, Elin has lost almost 10 pounds and has to use homeopathic sleep-aids to get any rest. According to Elin’s friend, “She is more closed off than she used to be,” but “she doesn’t want anyone worrying for her. She has said, ‘If one more person asks how I’m doing in a sympathetic tone, I will scream!'”
  • Jennifer Lopez has the album Love? and a new rom-com “The Back-Up Plan” coming out, but perhaps more importantly, “Glee” is courting her and Marc Anthony to guest star in an upcoming episode! This was followed by the shortest interview I’ve ever read in my life, where Jenny from the block says she doesn’t work out every day (which is somehow comforting) and that having kids has changed her music. She said, “You feel everything more deeply. As a songwriter, I think differently about what I want to say.” But anyway, woo hoo “Glee!” [Us Weekly]

  • The National Enquirer reports that Oprah’s “Big Gay Lie” has been exposed. Apparently, Oprah will be releasing her memoir and addressing the lesbian rumors, as well as confessing that she’s spent more than $5 million trying to control her weight. The book was written years ago, but, at the advice of family and friends, Oprah waited to release it. Now that Kitty Kelley is bringing out her unauthorized bio, Oprah is considering publishing.
  • In contrast to People’s heart-warming piece on Elizabeth Edwards, the Enquirer says that John Edwards’ wife attempted to commit suicide when she first heard about love child Quinn. She allegedly locked herself in the bathroom and yelled, “I’m going to kill myself! It’s ALL your fault!” According to a friend, “[Elizabeth] ran to the medicine cabinet and emptied some pill bottles in a fury. She was about to ingest them when she suddenly broke down in tears. Elizabeth said her cancer was killing her slowly, but John had broken her heart beyond repair.” [National Enquirer]

  • Star adds little new information to the Jen/Angie/Archie Brad love triangle. Except to say that Jennifer has told Brad specifically that the spark it still there and that “the moment he and Angie make it official that they’ve called it quits, she’s ready to try again.” Apparently, Brad was “touched” that she was willing to trust him again after all he’s done to her. While Brad was dazzled by Angelina’s drive and desire to change the world, apparently “that kind of edge-of-your-seat excitement holds no charm for him now.” The pair is excited for a potential reunion, but Brad wants to take care of the children before he makes a move towards Jen. Oh, if only tabloids were real.
  • For the first time ever, Johnny Depp’s longtime partner, Vanessa Paradis, has talked about their life together. Sorry ladies, they seem to be super in love. Vanessa says, “I’d wanted to be a mother for a long time, but with him I couldn’t avoid it. He was, and still is, the love of my life.” She also admits that they don’t go out much. “We’re not very sociable at all. We don’t go to parties or premieres. It intimidates me … I feel very tiny.” And even though Vanessa sports a diamond ring he gave her, she insists it’s not an engagement ring and they have no plans to marry. “We’ve understood that if we want it to carry on working, it’s essential to give each other space.”
  • At 45 years old, Courteney Cox is apparently pregnant with her second baby! At the Golden Globes she was acting strange by carrying her clutch directly in front of her belly and was only drinking water. According to a source, “Courteney’s telling friends she’s almost three months along. She’s been trying to get pregnant again for so long. She feels really lucky.” After several miscarriages, Courteney was really careful this time after receiving IVF and was on bed rest to make sure it took. Meanwhile, her hubby David Arquette railed on a fashion blogger who mentioned that Courteney was looking more full-figured saying, “Who really cares? I love round people, I love skinny people. We’ve got to get past labels and stop being so critical.” Amen, David! [Star]