Dustin Diamond’s “Behind The Bell” Brings TMI To A New Level

Because he wants to give you nightmares for the rest of your life, Dustin “Screech” Diamond has shared all his sordid “Saved by the Bell” stories in his new book, Behind the Bell. And because I’m way too lazy to read the tell-all, thankfully someone else has and pulled out the juiciest bits. Let’s start with the most disturbing information. Dustin claims to have a big penis and says he has put it inside more than 2,000 women. “I’m not Screech. I’m cool,” he says. “I follow no man, and women find me irresistible.” If anyone ever said that to me with a straight face, I would probably barf on him. [11Points]

More after the jump …

  • Dustin claims that Mario Lopez “lured [a girl] back to his pad … and she was forced to have sex against her will.” Allegedly, she was paid off about 50K by NBC’s lawyers … and Sam Greenspan, the gentleman who braved reading the book, found a Variety article confirming the story. It seems that Diamond’s method was much classier and often involved seducing foreign tourists who recognized him at Disneyland, saying that the Haunted Mansion is a particularly good ride for a “totally dark, nine-minute ride.” Cringe.
  • The ladies of “Saved by the Bell” apparently all had their go at Mario Lopez and Mark-Paul Gosselaar. First Tiffani-Amber Thiessen cheated on her boyfriend with both of the guys, and then Elizabeth Berkley got sloppy seconds. Diamond wrote, “There was a desperation to [her] ho’ing, like she had a lot of catching up to do.” After that, Lark Voorhies had her chance. As Diamond put it, it took years for “Lisa Turtle to come out of her shell.”
  • Other fun sex scandals include Dustin sleeping with NBC’s VP of children’s programming, Linda Mancuso, who was 18 years his senior and died in 2003, so can’t defend herself from the accusation. On top of that scandal, executive producer Peter Engel allegedly had threesomes with Tiffani-Amber and Mark-Paul … which Diamond only hints at by saying the actors went into long closed-door meetings with the exec and when they emerged, Tiffany would suddenly be written into scripts she hadn’t been in previously. It seems like maybe since Dustin wasn’t invited, he drew his own conclusions.
  • Oh and the final fun fact—Ed Alonzo (the guy who ran The Max) was gay and liked showing his magic tricks to Neil Patrick Harris. Love them.

The book sounds titillating, sure, but also sad. I’m not sure I could handle Diamond’s constant insistence that he is not Screech. The (extremely generous) Greenspan summed up the book thusly: “Over the 300+ pages you will get two things. One: You’ll get a lot of cool behind-the-scenes looks at ‘SBTB’ which, for huge fans like me, were fantastic. And two: You’ll get a really strong look into the mind of a scarred, desperate child star, forever typecast, alienated and altered by his time on such a seemingly juvenile television show.” Well said. That was one helluva Screech Attack. I’m just glad that I have managed to resist his sexy manhood and pray that I will have the strength to continue this streak of luck.

Would you guys sleep with the Diamond dog? Would you read his book?