Sources Say Tiger Woods’ Wife Impersonated Him In Sexy Texts To Mistress

Breaking news: Tiger Woods, his wife and his mistress might all actually be 8th graders. They’re sure acting like it!

Sources tell The Daily Beast that right before The National Enquirer printed a story about Woods’ affair with Rachel Uchitel, he warned Elin Nordegren about the story and put her on the phone with Uchitel, assuming she could convince his wife that there was no affair. Their cover story, apparently, was that Woods and Uchitel had only met once or twice on social occasions. (Buddy, when your wife believes your mistress’s word before she believes your word, you have problems.) Nordegren allegedly once spoke on the phone with Uchitel for half an hour, but didn’t completely believe the hooey that their relationship was platonic. Sources say that the couple bickered about an alleged affair on Thanksgiving night until Woods allegedly got tired of bickering and popped an Ambien to fall asleep. That’s when Detective Swedish Model took matters into her own hands. With her husband dozing, Nordegren allegedly texted Uchitel on his cell phone, pretending to be him and saying, “I miss you” and “When are we seeing each other again?” The sources said Uchitel’s reply led Nordegren to believe she and Woods must have talked earlier in the evening, so Nordegren allegedly called Uchitel up. “I knew it was you,” Nordegren allegedly said, to which Uchitel allegedly replied, “Oh, f**k,” then hung up.

Then Detective Swedish Model apparently blew her top. Sources say Nordegren allegedly started screaming at Woods, which woke him up and sent him running to the bathroom, where he allegedly locked the door and texted Uchitel to tell her Nordegren found out about their affair.

When Woods emerged from the bathroom, his wife allegedly began hitting him on the chest and arms and then chased him out of the house with a golf club. As we all know, Woods got into his car and tried to drive off. But allegedly it was the Ambien he had taken to fall asleep earlier, combined with the distraction of his angry wife, which caused him to crash that night.

The Daily Beast said both sources claim to have heard these details from Nordegren herself, but of course, they spoke on the condition of anonymity. This is all but one theory, however. We’ve heard plenty of other theories before, including the one where Nordegren smacked her husband in the face with a nine-iron golf club when he turned to look at the TV.

Personally, I hope this version of events isn’t true. Who seriously thinks it’s ever a smart idea to put your wife on the phone with your mistress? [The Daily Beast]