I don’t know about you guys, but it’s been raining for a week straight in California and I’ve barely left the house. And since bed sores aren’t a great look on a girl, I think it’s about time to venture somewhere dry … preferably somewhere that serves something delicious like popcorn and slurpies, for example. There are some really random movies coming out this week. For some reason the only comedy is “Tooth Fairy,” but if you’re in the mood for something heavy, you’re in luck! Apparently every week will bring us a new apocalyptic movie; this week it’s “Legion,” and on the opposite plane is “Creation,” the story of Darwin’s development of the theory of evolution. If you’re into parents fighting for their kids’ lives, “Extraordinary Measures” should do it. If you’re into parents railing on their kids, “The Girl on the Train” should work. Then there’s the cowboy documentary, “Sweetgrass,” which might be the best choice if the modern world is getting you down.
The Film: “Extraordinary Measures”
The Trailer: Inspired by the true story of John (Brendan Fraser) and Aileen Crowley (Keri Russell), two parents find out their kids have a super rare and fatal genetic disorder, so they try to track down a cure with the help of a grumpy scientist (Harrison Ford). There are arguments, issues with raising funding, lots of science talk, and the love of a man for his children.
The Hitch: Tear jerker. Unfortunately the movie is drawn out and not that interesting because they’re spending a lot of time drawing scientific formulas on a board. It’s really a shame because Harrison Ford hasn’t been in anything decent in so long and I love him. Shouldn’t this have been on Lifetime instead of at the movies, like that Harry Connick Jr. movie where he cures cancer?
The Film: “Legion”
The Trailer: God decides to kill off mankind by sending angels to Earth to eat us. An arch angel (Paul Bettany) gathers some misfit humans to kill off the evil angels and protect a waitress (Adrianne Palicki) who is pregnant with the messiah.
The Hitch: I’m already getting nightmares just from the trailer. I do like it when that girl asks Paul Bettany if he’s there to protect them and he’s all “nah, just that girl.” I liked this idea when it was called “Dogma” and it was hilarious. But I’m sure there is an excited audience for “Legion”; it does look kind of bad*ss.
The Film: “Tooth Fairy”
The Trailer: As a scroogey minor-league hockey player whose nickname is Tooth Fairy, Derek Thompson (Dwayne Johnson) enjoys crushing dreams and knocking out teeth. But his evil ways catch up with him and he’s sentenced (by Julie Andrews) to serve as a real-life tooth fairy. He tries sporting the baby blue tights and rocking the fairy dust, but doesn’t figure it out until he realizes he can do it his way.
The Hitch: I’m kind of embarrassed that The Rock always seems to be in the cheesiest movies, but am more embarrassed for Julie Andrews who is supposed to be a respectable actress. Not that I blame anyone for selling out and children represent future theater-goers, so you might as well start appealing to them now.
The Film: “Creation”
The Trailer: Charles Darwin (Paul Bettany) is finishing his theory of evolutionary biology while struggling with his wife (Jennifer Connelly) who is a strict Christian and upset with the fact that his theories disprove creationism and possibly the existence of God. The film is set in the late 1850s though, when Darwin has already hashed out his “On The Origin of Species,” so we miss out on his thought process and get a healthy dose of procrastination, domestic disputes, and the death of his daughter.
The Hitch: I totally forgot that Jennifer Connelly and Paul Bettany were married, but that dynamic is an interesting addition to the movie. It’s disappointing that the story starts when Darwin has already made his mind up about evolution, as that to me is a more interesting story than the moral dilemma of messing with everyone’s belief system. But I’m also probably going to hell … so who cares what I think?
The Film: “The Girl on the Train”
The Trailer: Based on a true story of a woman, Jeanne (Émilie Dequenne), who goes through a nasty breakup and then cuts her hair, knifes her skin, and draws swastikas on her body, pretending that she was the victim of an anti-Semitic attack on the train. The media goes nuts over the story, and then even more nuts when they find out she was lying. The weirdly immune to aging Catherine Deneuve co-stars as the girl’s harsh mother.
The Hitch: It looks to be a powerful and thought-provoking piece but apparently director André Téchiné doesn’t attempt to address why Jeanne staged her own attack, which sent France into a frenzy. And the girl isn’t even Jewish!
The Film: “Sweetgrass”
The Trailer: A documentary on the few remaining cowboys who navigate their herds of sheep 200 miles through Montana mountains. Shot beautifully and capturing the rugged real-life grizzly cowboys during a journey that few are willing to risk these days.
The Hitch: If you’ve got the wanderlust like me, you too may be interested in the romanticized vision of range life. It’s super exciting to see sheep get sheared and kind of mind-boggling that people all over the world still work as herders.