“Jersey Shore”: Anthropological Study Concluded

Last night, the talented videographers of MTV concluded their field research into how 20-somethings behave when subjected to heat, large quantities of alcohol, and the temptations of the “Jersey Shore.” In the end, the study was a success, giving ample insight into this subset of young Americans who refer to themselves as “Guidos” and “Guidettes.” The findings, after the jump. Vocabulary

Understanding the happenings of Seaside Heights requires deciphering the unusual diction used by its residents. Here is some of their most unusual terminology:

  • GTL. An abbreviation for “Gym, Tan, Laundry,” which is what the men of the house do every day in order to keep their appearance in tip-top shape, in the hopes of attracting a female of the species.
  • Creep. Surprisingly, Jersey Shorians do not use “creep” as an adjective—to them it is a verb, meaning to prowl for members of the opposite sex who might be interested in fornication.
  • Robbery. To steal a male or female whom a friend or roommate is attracted to, right from under their nose. Committing a “robbery” is a sign of extreme fortitude.
  • Juiceheads. The kind of men that JWoww and Snooki are the most interested in finding. They are characterized by their extreme size, deep tans, and muscles, often aided by steroid use.
  • “Stalking My Whole Life.” When a male or female of the opposite sex becomes obsessed and begins following a Jersey Shorite, or calling excessively.
  • Haterade. A concoction of old cheese, milk, and pickle juice placed under the bed of a foe to induce a horrifying stench.
  • Grenade. When an attractive member of the opposite sex comes with an offensively unattractive friend. A good wingman/wingwoman will entertain said “grenade” while their friend explores relations with the more attractive of the pairing.
  • Pound Out. A term for the act of fornication.

Historical Analysis, Part Two

The most effective way to study the “Jersey Shore” species is to go episode by episode. Study the first four installments here, or proceed directly to the second half of the study:

  • Episode 5. After an altercation with a drunken man at a bar, Snooki gets punched—with extreme force—in the mouth. As her roommates console her, the men go after the guy (with the exception of “The Situation,” Mike, who creeps on women instead) and he is arrested. The next day, Sammi meets Ronnie’s family. Shortly after, the group goes to another club where drama breaks out again when a woman calls Snooki “fat,” and JWoww goes after her, fists flying. Vinny takes a liking to the woman who was on a date with his boss.
  • Episode 6. When Mike asks a girl to meet him at the house, she shows up with two friends who rub the roommates the wrong way. When Snooki asks them to leave, she gets punched again. Later, after leaving a bar, a couple begins antagonizing Sammi and Ronnie as they walk down the boardwalk. Sammi taunts them, leading Ronnie to push her. Eventually, Ronnie attacks the man of the couple and then heads home to avoid police and make up with Sammi. Vinny sleeps in a bed with Mike’s sister.
  • Episode 7. The group heads to Atlantic City where they stay at a posh hotel. At a club, Vinny begins to kiss a girl—when he goes to the bathroom, Mike swoops in and commits a robbery. When JWoww asks Mike to help her back to the room, he refuses. When he finally returns to the room, she attacks him and punches him.
  • Episode 8. For the first time all summer, the group heads to the beach together, where Mike begins talking to a girl who appears very young and Snooki and JWoww go on a search for juiceheads. Snooki is upset when she sees an ex-boyfriend. The group spends their final night in the house together, and when Snooki and The Situation end up in the hot tub together, Snooki’s bathing suit comes off and they start kissing. The group leaves the house on a high note, wanting to do it again next summer.
  • Episode 9: The Reunion. The eight inhabitants of the house gather in a television studio for a mediated discussion of the summer’s events. Mike and Angelina fight, and imply that they have had sexual relations. Mike also implies this about Snooki. When secret footage of Sammi having a heart-to-heart with Mike is aired, Sammi and Ronnie break up on air.

Lessons Learned

In the end, “Jersey Shore” has taught us much about this sub-culture of young Americans. Some conclusions that we can extrapolate from observing them:

  • Fighting Doesn’t Solve A Thing. When the members of the “Jersey Shore” house are upset, they resort to punching, kicking, and pushing. However, the action almost always leads to negative outcomes—bleeding mouths, getting kicked out of a club, and, in extreme cases, getting arrested and spending the night in jail. Perhaps these young adults can figure out new ways to channel their anger. Perhaps stress balls?
  • Being Single Is Superior To Being In A Relationship. While the unattached roommates appear to be having the time of their lives on a nightly basis, Ronnie and Sammi managed to have the same tear-filled fight over and over again on nearly every episode. The most baffling part of their pattern is that it appeared to happen for virtually no reason. If both of them listened to the other’s words, they would hear that the other’s level of commitment is very high. Perhaps this environment is antithetical to coupling?
  • Safe Sex Is A Necessity. With the sheer quantity of women rotating through Mike, Pauly, Snooki, and Vinny’s beds, anyone observing should be convinced of the importance of religious condom use. And they will probably also be wary of getting in a hot tub again, as the action of sitting in one seems to almost always lead to sex.
  • Alcohol Should Only Be Consumed In Moderation. Watching the episodes of “Jersey Shore” unfold, it occurs that if every housemate had 3-5 fewer drinks per night, fun would have been maintained minus the physical fights, emotional fights, misguided creeping, vomiting, and hangover symptoms. May all young people learn from this.