Which Items Should The “Jersey Shore” Cast Hawk Next?

We showed you the truly skanky glorious, “sexy sophisticated” shirts that JWoww from “Jersey Shore” is “designing,” assuming that they were just the first in a long line of things that the show’s guidos and guidettes would try to cash in on. As the trashiest of the lot, we thought JWOWW was just ahead of the curve in the realization that her new notoriety means she can make money off of things she has no business being involved in. Alas, Snooki still just wants her own reality TV show and “The Situation” seems to be doing little more than continually flashing his abs at unsuspecting (but worrisomely interested) young ladies. Where are the endorsement deals? Why are these people not using the time before season two starts to hawk all sorts of products they truly know nothing about?! If we had our way, here’s what they’d all be selling next week …

  • Sammi: Despite having long, shiny hair, Sami refused to go out for the evening to either of the Shore’s two illustrious nightclubs without putting in her extensions. We see her teaming up with Super Cuts for a line of removable, acetate hair pieces.
  • Ronnie: If that dude shouldn’t be endorsing Muscle Milk, then no one should. His bicep is literally the size of the average toddler.
  • Mike “The Situation”: “Dudes, come check out my patented abs workout system. I don’t gotta tell you what it does, just know that The Situation uses it (lifts shirt).”
  • Snooki: Girl, we know you get your hair to pouf like that with nothing more than willpower and hairspray, but give those tired arms a day off and let a Bumpit help you out with that job. We’re sensing a special-edition release, probably covered in bright pink rhinestones, ’cause screw subtlety, right?
  • Vinny: We really don’t know. Vinny was the most negligible character in the house. Maybe Hanes tanks?
  • Pauly D: The gel he uses for his intense hairstyling process will, one day soon, cease to be strong enough to keep that madness in place. At that point, Mr. D will inevitably formulate his own hair gel, a gel the likes of which no man has ever seen before.