If you thought we’d already seen “the most shocking rose ceremony ever!” on this season of “The Bachelor,” think again. Rozlyn Papa has already gotten the boot for an alleged affair with a producer, and bunny-boiling Michelle left before the rose ceremony because she and Bachelor Jake Pavelka couldn’t get past her total crazytown-ness in order to build a connection — but things are going to get even more dramatic as the season goes on. The Bachelor told Us Weekly that the best is yet to come. “Horrible. Awful. On a scale of one to 10, it nears a 10,” Pavelka told the mag, saying it created “devastation” for him. “It is juicy now. It is going to get a lot juicier.”
Jake’s characterization of this event confuses me. What could be both horrible and juicy? A contestant getting cancer is horrible; a contestant finding out she’s pregnant is juicy. After the jump, I hypothesize about what the hell might happen to make the world’s most boring “Bachelor” also the most, gulp, entertaining … (Warning: This post will contain possible spoilers.)1. Ali gets back together with an ex-boyfriend. According to spoilers revealed on RealitySteve.com, Ali is part of the final four and takes Jake to her hometown to meet the family, but leaves the show before the next rose ceremony. Maybe she also reunites with an ex flame while she’s home and ditches Jake to pursue a second shot at love with someone who isn’t dating three other women?
2. There’s a herpes outbreak in the bachelorette house. This would technically be both horrible and juicy. Also, amazing. And crazy. And the best thing to ever happen on a reality show ever.
3. Corrie finds out she’s pregnant. Which is especially juicy, because supposedly Corrie is the virgin in the group, so it would be, like, an immaculate conception!
4. Jessie reveals that her clothes don’t lie. She actually does work in a western era saloon/bordello and has come from the past using a time machine so she can participate in the show.
5. Gia, who I’ve always thought looked rather feline, reveals that she is actually a Thundercat.
6. Jake reveals he has found love on “The Bachelor” … with Chris Harrison. I don’t know about you, but I love Chris. He’s always been such close buds with all the Bachelors. Maybe he and Jake got especially close during those tense moments before each rose ceremony.