After The Shore: Our Predictions For The Cast Of “Jersey Shore”

Tonight is the final episode of “Jersey Shore.” Time to pack up the hair gel and put away the club gear—the summer of fun is over. Teardrop. Who will we look to for comic relief in the cold, winter months ahead? We’ve heard that our favorite pint-sized pickle lover may soon have her own reality show in the works as part of her plan to take over the Snookiverse. Snooki says nothing is set in stone yet, but she’s received offers from VH1 and some other networks. I hope this doesn’t mean she’s leaving the cast. It truly wouldn’t be the same without her perky little pouf. But alas, this is what happens with reality stars: They use TV to launch (albeit usually pathetic) careers of some sort. After the jump, our predictions for the fates of the other cast members. [US Weekly]

  • Pauly D: Aside from his recent, half-naked appearance on Guys with iPhones, Pauly D is fist pumping about his new contract with Britney Spears’ former manager, Larry Rudolph. We hope his first album will be called Guido Tales and will include tracks such as, “I Dodged Your Grenade” and “Stop Stalking My Life.”
  • “The Situation”: Mike will open a gym/tanning salon/laundromat/restaurant/nightclub called “GTL.” This way he can TCB and creep on females at the same time. Pauly D will make guest appearances as his DJ when he’s not busy being super famous.
  • Ronnie and Sammy: After Ronnie gets out of jail, Sam will dump his guido butt. It will cause a huge fight and Ronnie will beat someone up again and blame it on Sam. Then she will cry and pull out her extensions while they have a huge fight and then they will rinse and repeat the cycle. (Maybe at GTL?) When they finally do split up (probably court ordered), Ronnie will attend anger management and Sam will attend counseling for domestic violence before they publish their first self-help book, Guidos In Love: A Tale Of Italian Tempers, Co-Dependency, and Redemption.
  • Vinny: Vinny will be grounded for a really long time by his mommy when she finds out what her little boy was up to last summer. He will make guest appearances at local nightclubs but his career possibilities will be thwarted by his curfew.
  • JWOW: JWOW will release a sex tape of her and Pauly D called “I Just Saw Your Penis” that will be an internet sensation. She will use the press to launch a new line of dance panties called “J-Booty.” J-Booties will be made of Lycra and personalized with your name across the butt in Swarovski crystals. They are perfect for battling on the dance floor.
  • Angelina: Who’s that again? Oh yeah! The loud girl who left after the first episode. She will forever regret her decision.