Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Octomom’s “Natural” Bikini Body? Tiger Found?

Well, it’s a new decade and though the apocalypse might be upon us, it hasn’t happened yet. So, take solace in that and the fact that when the time does come, people will probably still be looking to celebrities instead of you. This week, the gang was up to all their usual hijinks and the tabloids were stalking them to make sure every minute detail was captured. And because we love you guys so much, we trolled through those inked pages to pull out the most interesting stories once again. Enjoy!

  • I don’t know what the occasion is, but Us Weekly compiled a Kardashian family album cover story called “Kardashians Then And Wow!” The gist of it seems to be that the three daughters, Khloe, Kim, and Kourtney were always destined for reality TV greatness because they were girly trouble-makers who sneaked out of the house. Apparently, Kim was the shy one, Kourtney was the goody-two-shoes, and Khloe was the class clown who got all the boys. A friend says, “Everyone thought Khloe was cuter—she looked all-American, so she got more attention.” Apparently, Kourtney is the only Kardashian who’s gone under the knife, getting breast implants in 2001, but you’ll (maybe) be happy to know that she’s now breastfeeding her new son, Mason.
  • Finding any excuse to create a fight, Us reports that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are at it again because Brad took Maddox to New Orleans, while Angie stayed home with the kids. According to an insider, “Brad loves spending time in New Orleans, but Angie doesn’t. They fight because of it.” Even though they bought a house there together, Angie calls it “his house.” Brad wants to settle in New Orleans to pursue two of his passions, architecture and environmentalism. His charity Make It Right Foundation has built 21 green, storm-resistant homes in the Lower Ninth Ward, and they are nearly done with 13 more.
  • Remember that time (exactly a week ago) when we told you that Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan broke up, and then we said they didn’t. Well, now they did but they’re still hanging out and collaborating in the recording studio. An insider says, “They’re working on being friends. Jessica is proving to herself that she can be pals with a guy she used to date.” Mind you, they went on six dates. Jessica was in the studio working on a song for her upcoming TV show, “The Price of Beauty,” with producer Kerry Brown, who is also working on some tracks with Corgan for the next Smashing Pumpkins release. Apparently, Corgan was there to lend a hand. [Us Weekly]

  • In fun new Kirstie Alley news, according to the National Enquirer, “Kirstie Goes Berserk!” It appears that in the months leading up to Kirsties’ A&E reality show, book, and “revolutionary” diet and exercise program, instead of losing weight, she’s been gaining and saying all sorts of crazy things on Twitter like “I JUST ATE a side of beef, 2 kindergarteners, a hot tub of linguini, 3 dalmations, and a big plate of donuts.” She also messaged former New Kids on The Block singer Jonathan Knight to inform him that she was pregnant with his baby, but it might be Jamie Foxx’s … which is also awesome because how random? Then, of “The View” co-host Joy Behar, she said, “I want to bash her in the vagina with her microphone” and she called Chelsea Handler an “alcoholic bitch,” which isn’t really a diss. I hope that this is all just one huge buildup for what will be an amazing reality show and that she’ll magically lose a bunch of weight and there will be peace on earth.
  • Leave it to the Enquirer to get the only photos of Tiger Woods in sex rehab. Apparently, Tiger didn’t think he had a problem, but his wife Elin insisted that he go to rehab to save their marriage. The Mississippi Gentle Path center will require a seven-day counseling session with Elin, where Tiger will have to detail every sexual “dalliance.” While the other patients have to clean up after themselves and attend group therapy, Tiger has allegedly received special treatment including maid service, his own private cabin (which he renovated for about $100K), and one-on-one counseling. Tiger originally wanted to go to a center in Arizona, but figured it would be easier to keep it a secret in Mississippi. Other patients used to work out at a YMCA; they’re no longer allowed to go so “the press wouldn’t ask them about Tiger.” Sounds like bummer camp.
  • “Dexter”‘s Michael C Hall and his co-star sister/wife Jennifer Carpenter had to put their plans for a baby on hold while Hall works on overcoming Hodgkin’s lymphoma. Hodgkin’s lymphoma is also one of the most curable cancers, with survival rates at his age being 92 percent, but since Michael lost his father to cancer when he was 11, he’s determined to bring a child into the world only when he is completely healthy. According to a source, “The last thing in the world Michael wants is for Jennifer to have a child and then have his cancer come back.” Good luck, Michael! [National Enquirer]

  • People put Jennifer Aniston on the cover in a super special “5 Years After Brad” edition, with the cover line, “Fun, Flirty, & 40!” Ack. At the Golden Globes, Jennifer was a “social butterfly” and flirted openly with Gerard Butler. According to sources, Jennifer is blissfully single, “never mentions Brad” and has “100 percent moved on.” A friend says of her dating choices, “Of everyone in Hollywood, she is misunderstood the most. She dates to have fun. She’s not calculating her love life.” Finally a tabloid is showing us the obvious, that Jen’s life is enviable not pitiful!
  • In another apparently important anniversary, it’s been a year since Jessica Simpson wore those fateful unflattering jeans. She’s still wary and said recently, “I haven’t always looked at my reflection and loved it.” But her perspective changed since she begun filming her new VH1 reality show, “The Price of Beauty.” She says of the experience, “I carry myself differently. Beauty is easy to become obsessed with; this journey was about finding what’s beautiful inside me.” The episodes ranged from hanging around salad-starved models at Paris Fashion Week to visiting a Ugandan village where the men told Jessica she’d need to “be in a fattening hut for three months for them to even consider” marrying her.
  • In the first interview since Brittany Murphy’s tragic death, her husband Simon Monjack and mother Sharon talked to People about how they’ve been coping. Brittany was buried on Christmas Eve with diamond jewelry, a Little Prince doll, and an angel figurine. According to her husband, “She had laryngitis and flu-like symptoms, She was on an antibiotic and doing all the right things.” Brittany was diagnosed with mitral valve prolapse as a child, which is typically harmless. Monjack denies that she was anorexic, saying, “Go to the Chateau Marmont and speak to any waiter and ask how many plates of food she would go through in one sitting.” Monjack closed the interview by saying, “I have seen the sun set on five continents. I’d trade it all for one more day with Brittany.” Brittany’s mother Sharon said of her daughter’s relationship with Monjack, “The only thing I really regret is that they weren’t together sooner. Simon put her on a pedestal so high. He would do anything for her.” And of her own pain, she said, “We were soulmates… I would sleep on her clothes if I could… She was the other half of me.” [People]

  • I know you didn’t think that Nadya “Octomom” Suleman was out of the news forever! She’s back on the cover of Star with a shockingly good bikini body, which she achieved without any surgery. She went from 270 to 120 lbs., without a trace of loose skin or stretch marks. She said, “My friends call me Rubber Band because I always snapped back so quickly after my other kids.” It’s been a year since her octuplets were born. She started her return with sit-ups and then went to the gym four days a week for three hours at a time, usually around midnight. She credits full-body weight training and a super healthy diet for the weight loss. Nadya also has three live-in nannies who help cook, and girlfriends who will “borrow” an octuplet for a few days. She’s working on both a tell-all book and fitness DVDs. And in case you were thinking she’s totally nuts still, she says of her sleeping habits, “This is going to sound insane, but I try to get two hours a night.” Jeez. No wonder she has time to work out.
  • Seriously? Apparently Rihanna’s new man LA Dodgers star Matt Kemp has a history of anger management issues and violence towards women. His ex, actress Felisha Terrell, had to file a restraining order against him, which stated, “He is violent and I am afraid.” Felisha claimed she suffered “constant verbal abuse and threats.” He also allegedly changed the locks on their apartment and had his friends drive up and down the street to intimidate her. Star printed the restraining order documents, but Felisha didn’t want to talk about Matt, saying “That’s all in the past.” Her friends are worried. A friend said, “I hope RiRi never sees that other side of Matt explode.” And neither do we!
  • Renee Zellweger and Bradley Cooper are apparently building a nursery in their new $4 million home in Pacific Palisades. According to a “pal,” a wedding is in the works and Renee is also prepping to get preggers by giving up caffeine and alcohol. (Brad’s been sober for years.) Renee allegedly bought a crib and dresser set in December. According to a friend, “Renee has been beyond ready to have a baby, and she thinks Bradley will be a fantastic dad … She could get pregnant at any time—if she isn’t already.” [Star]