• Guys

Mind Of Man: Dudes Do Not Dig Surprises

A recent issue of GLAMOPOLITAN magazine instructed its female readers to surprise their boyfriends by showing up at the dude’s apartment wearing a trench coat and nothing underneath. Don’t do this. And I’m not telling you not to do it because a silly girly magazine said so. I kind of enjoy those trash-diculous publications: they’re like Maxim with mood swings. Where else am I going to learn to love my curvy body? (But seriously, diet anyway. Did you know there are no calories in a hangnail?)

We associate surprises with bad news. “You need a new transmission,” “you’re fired,” and “I’m pregnant” are all examples of what I think of when I think of the word “surprise.”

”No, I just fear this is a standard belief amongst womenfolk, that men would enjoy such a thing. Men aren’t into surprises the way women are. For instance: you know that trick where you buy someone a tiny gift and wrap it in a huge box filled with tissue paper? I have employed that trick numerous times with girlfriends. And they love it. First, they wrinkle their nose over the sloppy gift wrapping job. In their head, I’m sure they’re picturing a big, clumsy teddy bear with tape on his nose, ribbons hanging off his ears, tongue stuck out in concentration. Awww!

In reality, I’d rather take a golf club to my shins than wrap a gift. I have no sense of spatial relations, I suppose. It’s not cute: I usually fly into a rage, screaming, “F**k you, box! F**k you, paper that tears if you touch it!” Anyway, then they rip open the box and start rifling through the paper. It’s nothing but paper! There’s no gift! But wait! There is! And there’s much squealing and cooing and, later, a blow job. You get me the same surprise box, I open it and dump everything out. Hey look, there’s the gift.

I’m not saying men don’t appreciate gifts. Women are almost psychic when it comes to gift-giving. In my experience, they know exactly what to get the men in their lives. It’s uncanny. They listen, do research, and revel in buying something that makes their man’s face light up. We just don’t need the gifts to be hidden inside a cake, or shot out of a cannon or delivered via blimp. We don’t like the unexpected. I recognize how that’s not always a positive thing. Personally, I find that I have to be mindful of becoming too much of a creature of habit. I seek out new experiences, try new foods, read books with new ideas, and explore my world as much as money and time allows. But if my girlfriend randomly showed up naked save for a trench coat, I’d immediately think, “Dude, is she cold?”

Let me repeat: surprising your man by wearing a trench coat and nothing else is testicide. Our boner would wilt. Maybe on a primal, caveman level, men associate surprises with ambushes. Something jumping out of the bush at us is probably a saber tooth tiger.

We associate surprises with bad news. “You need a new transmission,” “you’re fired,” and “I’m pregnant” are all examples of what I think of when I think of the word “surprise.”

” Putting a dude on the spot by showing up ready to rumble in a trench coat is actually inconvenient. Do you want to know an example of an acceptable sexual “surprise”? Late one night, as the two of you are making out, tell him you’re totally into doing that thing he’s always begging you to do. Surprise!

I experienced the reverse of the woman in a trench coat once. I came home after a particularly brutal day of work and my girlfriend had laid an erotic trap for me. Bless her heart. I played along, if only because it was what she wanted. It was not what I wanted. So I came home, opened the door, and walked into an apartment filled with candles. Dozens of glowing candles.

It looked like a cross between Mass and a vampire boudoir. She sat on the couch wearing, I don’t know, some kind of black … web? A bowl of grapes sat in her lap. I understand the effort she made. And that she was trying to spice up a relationship that was entering its final, heartbreaking months. Not that I really knew that at the time. The relationship would have died that night if I had looked at her at that moment and said, “Time out! I’m really not into ‘Phantom of the Opera’ role playing. Also: this is stupid.” But I didn’t. We fed each other grapes. (I basically chewed the inside of my cheek open trying not to laugh when we did this). I removed her body web, licked her little belly, and performed my manly duties to candlelight. The only thing missing in this scene was a bat.

Women love surprises, though. This past Christmas, I hid the big gift I got The Woman I Am Currently Dating in the trash, and devised a way that she’d have to find it. Of course, she surprised me by throwing me a stack of comic books. Swoon! I will admit, it feels good to play these little games with a girlfriend. I’ve never known a chick alive who doesn’t appreciate a well-placed landmine of love. I think it has to do with the fact that women are more sensual than men. If it weren’t for the women in my life, I’d never know well enough to savor life’s little flavors.

But instead of showing up wearing a trench coat and your birthday suit, try just showing up, maybe with a bottle of something. The way I look at it, you’re naked under your clothes anyway. Don’t put on a show. Relax.

Follow John DeVore’s preening narcissism on Twitter.

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