It’s a sad week for America, my friends. The first season of “Jersey Shore” ends on Thursday night. I don’t even know what I’m going to do next week. Maybe go to the local boardwalk to pour out some Tequila shots for my homies? Or go on a pilgrimage to Karma? Or purchase crystal-studded booty shorts? I’d better start tanning now. In honor of what has been a brilliant anthropological study of the summertime inhabitants of New Jersey, we’ve put together a Shun, Shag, or Marry for the entire cast. Speak now your grievances with my choices or forever hold your peace. Or we can fight—but you should know that I punch like a Jersey girl. SHUN: The Situation, Ronnie and Sammi
Ronni and Sammi are shun-able just because they almost immediately paired off, which is totally boring in the world of reality TV. The Situation is obviously shunned, and not just because he continued going after Sammi even after his man Ronnie had sealed the deal. He also stole a girl right out from under Vinny’s nose and refused to walk JWoww home when she was super drunk, then claimed it was because she wanted to hook up with him. In this upcoming episode, Mike makes out with Snooki , but when she got punched, he stood there staring. Not to mention the time he called her fat. For the record, boys, if a girl is nice enough to let you touch her boobs and doesn’t look at your penis like the purse creature from “My Stepmother Is An Alien,” she’s going to be suuuuper pissed if you turn around and call her fat. She’ll actually be pissed anyway.
SHAG: Pauly D and JWoww
I’ve got an embarrassing crush on Pauly D. But you know what? I could get past the 20-minute hairdo, the Italian flag DJ gear, and even the Ed Hardy, because when he’s naked, he’s just a really buff tattooed guy with dimples. Once you get him in the Jacuzzi, he’s just one head dunk away from normalcy! You can tell he’s a nice guy because he really took Michael Cera under his wing for that blow-out, and, hell, a man with a blow-dryer might be helpful for those days when lifting your own arms seems like a monumental effort. JWoww is super down. And I don’t mean slutty; I mean she’s got your back. When someone called Snooki fat at a bar, she went after her … with fists of fury. Sure, she’s got giant fake boobs and wears ridiculous shirts that portray the oddest cleavage angles. Sure, she wears fishnets and underwear as if they’re appropriate attire. But she also stands up for her friends and when all her hair’s the same color, she’s pretty cute. But since she cheated on her boyfriend with Pauly D and then went on a shopping spree with her BF’s credit card, she’s way too high-maintenance for marriage.
MARRY: Vinny and Snooki.
Vinny is the quiet, contemplative one. He managed to take home his boss’s girl without noticing his boss was three feet away the entire night, which maybe means he’s an idiot, but also means that he was really paying attention to her. It’s not like he was inviting girls home and then upgrading to better girls. Sure, he also hooked up with The Situation’s little sister and ditched the boss’s girl in a more recent episode, but even that says something great about Vinny. Even an a**hole like The Situation thought that Vinny was good enough for his sis. He’s not a total guido and he seems to have a little more respect for the ladies … comparatively. And yes, Snooki’s a total mess who gets too drunk and she spends a lot of time getting her hair to look kinda silly. But she’s a sensitive girl who loves her mother and has lots of ambition. I really do hope that she gets her own reality show, “Snookin’ For Love!” She kind of looks like a grown-up Cabbage Patch doll, but she’s so lovable and totally owns it on the dance floor. She is hilariously honest and unapologetic. She’s a pop-culture phenomenon and if anyone’s going to make it out of this show to do something big, it’ll be her.