Exciting things are happening in my lady parts: I’ve gone back on the birth control pill. After a few years of being single and not getting enough sex to justify a Yaz prescription, I’m once again getting boned on the regular. My guy is definitely thrilled the condoms can finally come off—but trust me; he can’t be more thrilled than me. I hate condoms.I’m a pretty flaky person: I hardly ever pay my cell phone bills on time, don’t get around to writing a lot of the blog posts I say I want to do, and I’m the queen of blowing off social events to stay at home in my PJs. But there’s one thing I’m scrupulous about and that is protecting myself from STDs and pregnancy. I won’t risk it for anyone. Maybe it’s because I went to a high school with a comprehensive sex ed program. Or maybe it’s because my interest in abortion rights has managed to terrify me from ever needing to have an abortion. But ever since I lost my virginity my junior year of high school, I have been all about the birth control: I’ve done Depo Provera, the Pill, the patch, and often one of those things plus condoms. (Some advice from me to you: don’t get Depo. I literally bled every day for three months straight.)
But I have had sex without a condom, of course, when I was on one of those backup methods of birth control. But that was a long time ago; I haven’t had sex without a condom in maybe four years. And God, do I miss it! After eight years of mostly unimpressive lovers, I finally have a mature, sensitive, caring guy who sincerely wants me to enjoy sex. But even he can’t change how sex with condoms feels like having sex with a plastic sandwich baggie. Women do have tons of nerve endings down there, you know, and the rubbery feeling is just as unpleasant as can be. I want skin. Skin feels so much better, not to mention more intimate!
Oh, sure, many, many men have tried to convince me that if we do it without a condom, a Magical Fairy Unicorn Who Controls Pre-Cum And Sperm will intercede on our behalf to prevent me from getting pregnant. To you men, I say, my gynecologist laughs at you! Pre-cum does exist. Pulling out is not 100 percent fail-proof. I don’t care if you’ve slept with as many women as Hugh Hefner and pulled out every time and never got anyone pregnant (that you know of). I am not doing it.
So I’ve had icky sex with condoms. The latex. The smell of latex. The messiness of lube. The need to re-lubricate the condom constantly. Everything about it feels plastic-y and unpleasant. And it’s just made me want all those whiny boys in the past, the men with their Magical Fairy Unicorns, to STFU. I know men don’t like condoms. I know. It’s no picnic for me, either, though, OK? Some of us women don’t like condoms anymore than you men do, but we’re the ones who are too-often left to bear the burden of being responsible because we’re the ones who get pregnant.
Seriously, I can’t tell you how special it will be when my guy and I ditch the Trojans for good. Excuse me for sounding like a Jonas brother, but I almost feel like it will be “the first time.”
But I won’t forget where I came from: For those of you ladies still trying to convince the men you’re sleeping with that Magical Fairy Unicorn Who Controls Pre-Cum And Sperm does not exist, I feel for you.