7 Things To Remember Before A First Date

A friend of mine has been dabbling in online dating, or, as he put it, “swimming in vag.” The availability of women combined with his usual tech guy internet habit has blown his, uh, mind, thus far. Although there are certainly enough ladies to go around, that didn’t stop this dapper dude from getting nervous and going a little overboard in his prep for a first date. The instrument of destruction: clippers.

Before picking her up, he wanted to trim the hedges. Unfortunately, he used the wrong side buzzer. Fortunately (?), he started out with his arm hair. Basically, my metro friend mowed a row down. And you know, he didn’t want to have a “fade” on his arm, so he had to do the whole dang thing, including the other appendage. On the date, he opted to ignore the (hairless) elephant in the room and didn’t mention his noticeably bald arms to his companion, making sure to keep his sleeves down all night.

But his story moved me, since I myself had a Tweezer-meets-eyebrow accident while primping for a date once. (Luckily, he was into the chola look.) My hairless buddy wanted to share this story to help the other men out there — hopefully his story will inspire you to forgo the buzzer — and these other no-nos before you go on a hot date. Whatever your getting-ready ritual is, you best heed these, because no amount of candlelight will save you!

  1. Bring Casholla: Spare yourself the embarrassment of having to ask your date to pony up dough for both of you. Then you’ll really owe her, not that she’ll want to cash in! Either make sure the place takes credit or swing by the ATM. Oh yeah, and don’t forget your wallet!
  2. Stay Sober: It’s tempting when you’ve got the first date butterflies to start drinking to relax before you meet up. It’s just a date; you’re gonna survive, especially if you have your wits about you, so don’t get drunk!
  3. Remember Your Cell Phone: Don’t pick it up while you’re together or you might wind up here! Bring it just in case there are some meeting-up issues … or if you need an out.
  4. One Spritz: That’s your limit. When it comes to cologne, perfume, aftershave, body spray, anything with a scent, go easy. Your natural eau de you will attract the right people.
  5. Resist That Bean Burrito: Or whatever your recipe for farts is. Seriously, like your mom kept you out of the swimming pool for a half hour after eating, these kinds of foods will keep you out of the dating pool if you let ‘em rip within the first few first date minutes.
  6. Button Up: Like the advice I gave my freshly mowed friend, don’t show too much skin, or, frankly, too little. Hint at and tease with your assets. But if you’re already putting them all out there, where are you gonna take things?
  7. Breathe Easy: Don’t forget breath mints, if you want them to ask you questions, or hey, even seal your date with a kiss.