Dating Don’ts: First Date Fashion Faux Pas

First dates are always nerve-wracking—that’s a given. So many questions! Where will we go? What if I’m gassy? Should I let him pay or should I offer to split the tab? What will we talk about? Will he like me? More importantly, will I like him?

All valid queries, but possibly the most pressing question any of us worry about is, what in the hell am I going to wear?I am not a fashionista. Let me get that right out of the way. My jeans are Levi’s and the only Prada I own was purchased off eBay. As I write this, I’m wearing a Gap t-shirt covered in cat hair and yellow ankle socks with bumblebees embroidered on them. But while I don’t know where hemlines are headed or what color will be the new black next season, I do have a handle on what you shouldn’t wear on a date—especially a first date.

Under Where?

Bad underwear isn’t necessarily ugly or old. It’s the bra that pushes your boobies up beautifully, but pinches your underarm chub. It’s the boyshorts you paid $50 for, but ride up your butt crack every time you climb a stair. And yes, sexy Underoos can make a girl feel sassy, but that effect is lost when you’re constantly digging elastic out of your behind.

Battle Of The Bulge

While it’s true that support garments count as underwear, I thought the scourge of the Spanx deserved its own entry. I once wore one of these Instruments of Torture on a TV audition and I’m sure the pained look on my face went a long way towards ensuring you’ll never see me on prime time. I get that we all want to look thinner than we actually are, but believe me, most guys would rather see a little belly bulge than deal with a cranky, cramping girl all night.

Romper Stomper

The romper/jumpsuit craze is one trend I will be happy to see end. Whether or not you’re planning on getting naked with your date, wearing a one-piece tells your boy that he’s going to have to work hard to get there. Too hard. No matter how deluded he might be, a guy always wants to imagine he has a chance of enticing you into a dark corner for a little hooking up. A jumpsuit says that ain’t going to happen. Not to mention that unless you’re a race car driver or a 3-year-old, the all-in-one outfit makes you look like a moron.

Torture By Toenail

My boyfriend still reminds me of the time I wore a pair of sassy heels out to see his favorite band and made him leave before they even went onstage because my feet had turned into bleeding stumps. (I offered to leave on my own, but being a gentleman, he helped me hobble home and promptly never let me forget it.) I know many women can wear sky-high heels with ease, but unless you’re one of them, don’t. I’m not saying you should wear sneaks, or worse, Uggs, but try to find some sort of manageable middle ground.

Costume Ball

Lady Gaga can wear a metallic pleather bodysuit, wrap-around sunglasses and peep-toe, patent-leather booties. You can’t.

What should you wear? Well, that’s not really my department