Tabloid Cheat Sheet: John Mayer And Taylor Swift? Kate Gosselin Hates Her Hair?

How’s 2010 going for you guys so far? I think it’s totally going to be the best year ever and I haven’t felt that way since … 2000? And it’s not just because everyone’s quitting their jobs, which means we have a better chance of stealing them. It’s not even because LiLo is super optimistic, which does actually help. It might be because no matter what you or I do wrong, we can feel assured that it probably won’t be broadcast in the tabloids. And just to be double sure, I’ve hand-picked the most interesting stories and if you’re not one of them, you’re all set! Hooray!

  • Kendra Wilkinson and Hank Baskett are “more in love than ever” now that they’ve had a baby, which isn’t really that weird since they JUST got married in June. Hank says, “I love her so much more than I already did. I didn’t think that could happen but it did.” Meanwhile, Kendra has a weird post-baby hamster face on the cover; it looks like she’s storing food in her cheeks to eat later. She’s also in no rush to slim down right away, saying, “I’ve always tried to get that curvier body. We have a mirror over our bed. We were like, ‘Look at this booty!’” TMI chills.
  • Apparently, having a baby can make a meh relationship awesome. Kourtney and Scott Disick’s cover line reads “Our baby brought us even closer.” According to a family friend, “Scott’s a doting father. Sometimes he’ll whistle and sing Mason to sleep. He’s matured in a matter of months and he has become the most worried father, constantly checking on Mason when the baby’s sleeping, every 10 minutes.” He also recently surprised Kourtney with her favorite fast food — even though Kourtney’s trying to lose 26 lbs. of baby weight — with, you guessed it, QuickTrim. Bah.
  • Carrie Underwood talks about her engagement to Canadian hockey star Mike Fisher, whom she met backstage at her concert in Ottowa in 2008. According to a friend, “It came as a surprise to both of them. They knew they were attracted to each other but then the relationship just happened overnight—faster than either expected.” Mike got Carrie a gorgeous Jonathon Arndt (her favorite jewelry designer) round-cut ring. According to her friend, there are no doubts in Carrie’s mind, “With Mike, it’s effortless … They just fit as a couple perfectly.” I know it’s selfish but I hope something happens in their relationship that can inspire a song half as good as “Before He Cheats.” In a non-cheaty way. [OK! Magazine]

  • Haha. Remember last week when Kate Gosselin revealed her new hair extensions and it was such a big deal? Well, this week, Kate hates it. According to a source, “She thinks her hair looks over-processed and damaged. She’s afraid people will think she’s one of Tiger Woods‘ bimbos!” Apparently, when she came home to the kids, the older twins shrieked, “Ewww!” and laughed at her which led to Kate crying in her room. But she’s already had a stylist come help her try things like headbands, ponytails, and a “Farrah Fawcett-style ‘do.” I’m just glad the reverse mullet is gone.
  • Star‘s cover story, “How Stars Get Thin,” details the diet and exercise plans of six Hollywood moms, including Ashlee Simpson who awesomely says, “I try to listen to what my body craves. Sometimes it tells me to eat more fruit, but sometimes it tells me to eat Skittles.” I don’t know why they bother including Heidi Klum—it’s not like she’s even made of the same materials as other humans. We should totally send her to alien planets to represent us. They’ll think we’re magical.
  • Many fans (on both sides) will be relieved to hear that Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan have broken up. Corgan told a friend, “We are both two very different personalities. I like classic movies and she likes reality TV. I like talking about philosophy, the meaning of life, and deeper issues, and she had nothing to say.” Which we could have told you before and skipped this sounding like a pretentious prick thing. Neither side is upset that the bond was broken and they remain friends … after that tumultuous six-date relationship. [Us Weekly]

  • Ahhh, National Enquirer, a constant example of journalistic excellence, says, “‘Crazy’ Britney heading back to psych ward.” Britney’s dad is concerned with her recent erratic behavior which includes “pulling out her hair in clumps, throwing screaming fits—and worse,” according to sources. She’s been depressed ever since she found out her dad wasn’t going to give up his legal conservatorship for three years. A close source says that Britney was told if she was good and did her Australian tour, she would get her freedom. But the courts extended the conservatorship. Britney and Jamie had a screaming fit, insinuating she might become suicidal if she’s a prisoner for three more years, and Jamie threatened that she would be committed if that were a risk. Eek.
  • John Edwards was allegedly caught cheating again with a slightly evil-looking blonde in a Puma zip-up. Supposedly, “humiliated wife” Elizabeth Edwards finally kicked him out and told him she was going to sign the divorce papers. According to bartender Stephanie Breshears, who works at their local bistro, he’s tried repeatedly “to get her to go back to his house for sex.” She says, “I think he’s scum. He said I had run through his mind ‘time and time’ again.” Edwards apparently trolled the bars around Figure Eight Island in North Carolina, trying to convince women to come home with him. The Enquirer adds provocatively, “He persuaded three girls to go with him to another place, the Wild Wing Cafe.” Gross.
  • Once again, Cher is back to looking exactly the same as she did that time she got a ton of plastic surgery. This time she spent $145K for LED light therapy, micro-current and oxygen infusion techniques, and facials. Apparently Cher is preparing to star in “Burlesque” with Christina Aguilera and will also be dropping a bunch of cash on her makeup crew, yoga, pilates, personal trainer, hairstyling, wigs, a spiritual adviser, homeopath, and naturopath. She calls this staff her “wellness crew.” It sounds super exhausting to be Cher. [The National Enquirer]

  • People profiled the life and death of Casey Johnson, mentioning that her younger sisters found a to-do list on her bedside table. According to them, “Casey wanted to work in Kazakhstan with an orphanage. She wanted to have a vet clinic. She wanted to do stuff with diabetes.” Kind of intense. Casey’s daughter Ava was adopted from Kazakhstan and according to a friend, “Casey loved buying Ava stuff but she didn’t know how to feed her.” So Casey’s mom took custody and sought help for her daughter but was told she had to “hit rock bottom before she could bounce back.” Ava doesn’t know about her adopted mom’s death yet. According to Casey’s sister Jaime, “My mom’s trying to figure out the best way to explain it. She’s teaching Ava about angels right now.”
  • Heidi Montag graces the cover of People, claiming she’s addicted to plastic surgery. She just had a marathon of procedures, basically removing most of the facial features that made her look like her. The story features a haunting photograph of Spencer staring into the distance as Heidi looks at the camera dead-on, wearing nothing but socks, underwear, and pieces of tape on her nipples with marker lines covering her face and body. According to Heidi, it’s not been a fun recovery. “Asking my husband to take down my pants so that I can go to the bathroom?” she said. “That’s not something I ever wanted to have to do. But it took our marriage to another level.” Yeah, a magically creepier one.
  • I don’t know why Heidi got the cover when there’s an exclusive interview with the Obamas inside, detailing their first year in office. Barack says his two proudest moments were “having a health-care bill through the House and Senate … I’ll be much prouder when I actually sign it” and “every single night when I have dinner with my girls and I see how well they’ve adjusted.” When asked about women being encouraged not to get mammograms, Michelle Obama said, “I do [get annual exams], and I’m not going to change.” Then the questions deteriorate, but, apparently, Barack does think that Tiger Woods can be rehabilitated. [People]

  • It’s not tabloid day without another Brad and Angelina rumor, and this time it’s “the end.” Apparently they fight all the time. “There is no truce in sight for Brad and Angie,” says a source. “They can’t see eye to eye on anything and Brad’s had enough. He’s been desperately trying to keep their family together but is completely frustrated.” According to Star, Angie’s looked into hiring a private detective to follow Brad around, sniffs his clothes, and tries to put on a show for reporters so they think everything’s peachy. A source says, “Brad wants to keep the homes in Los Feliz and New Orleans and all his artwork. Angie can have the rest.” Sad face.
  • Rachel Zoe is looking increasingly like Skeletor, and is supposedly down to 82 lbs. and wore a sarong when vacationing in St. Barts in an effort to hide it. Dr. Stuart Fischer says, “She’s certainly below 90. I’m seeing little or no connective tissue. The padding is gone.” Even though Rachel admits that she’ll sometimes get through the day and realize she’s only eaten coffee and a grapefruit, but says, “Truthfully, I’ve never seen myself as being too thin.” Yeah, it’s called body dysmorphic disorder. A friend says, “If she ate a salad, she’d work out two extra hours. But she hasn’t been able to exercise lately because she’s not eating. She goes on juice fasts and some days just drinks water.” Let’s get this lady on “Intervention,” asap.
  • In super exciting dating news, Taylor Swift has allegedly rebounded from Taylor Lautner with my favorite Twitterer, John Mayer! The pair shared a romantic dinner at an Italian restaurant with a really long name in Santa Monica. An eyewitness says, “They came in together and got a private table in a corner of the restaurant. They seemed to really enjoy each other’s company.” They stayed for two hours and left together around 10 p.m., the source says, “They definitely looked like a couple, John was telling stories and she was hanging on every word!” Yay! Not that Taylor squared wasn’t adorable, but Taylor and Mayor (Maylor maybe?) would make an awesome writing team. [Star]
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