Guys love sex. It’s hardwired into our brains. I’m not saying that women don’t love sex, by the way–everybody loves sex. It’s sex. It’s awesome. It seems like a biological miracle sometimes.
Of course, that doesn’t mean that everybody loves everything about sex. Here’s a look at four things that men don’t actually love about time spent between the sheets.
1. (Avoiding) penis injury. Depending on the position, penis injury can be a very real possibility during sex, especially when the woman is on top. Basically, one minor mistake brings your full weight down on a six-inch (just averaging here) piece of meat with no real internal support structure.
Sprained penises are a fairly common sexual injury, and any guy reading this article just crossed his legs thinking about it. It’s impossible not to consider the possibility sometimes during sex, particularly when a near-miss accident happens–we slip out, and our penises’ entire lives flash before our eyes.
2. Foreplay. For guys, foreplay seems unnecessary — it’s like slowly, slowly unpeeling a banana. You’d rather get the peeling part over and enjoy eating the banana. Lots of guys seem completely unaware of what an important part of intercourse foreplay is for women, because there’s simply no mechanism in our brain to identify with it. We can’t comprehend outright how foreplay could make sex more enjoyable, because for us, sex is the essential part of the whole dance. We’re creatures of the orgasm, and without a good deal of training, foreplay can seem pretty confusing to our simple sexual brains.
3. Condoms. We like what condoms do, and they certainly should be required for any sexual activity to, er, commence. It’s just that they really do take the sensation out of sex. Picture wrapping your vagina in a Walmart bag before sex, and you’ll have some idea of how condoms can feel at their worst.
Even more annoying are condom companies’ advertisements and product boxes that claim each new product is “like wearing nothing.” No condom yet has been “like wearing nothing.” You know what’s like wearing nothing? Wearing nothing. Until you get close to that, Trojan, don’t make the damn claim. You’re like the condom company that cried wolf.
4. Getting Denied. For guys, a big part of sexual life is being denied sex–being told by women that they’re not in the mood, now’s not the right time, tomorrow night, etc. It can be embarrassing to put yourself out there by making a first move, only to get shut down. Hey, it’s part of being a guy and having a ridiculous, confusingly constant sex drive. Sometimes, people don’t want to have sex with you (for me, this is about 100 percent of the time) and you can’t get uptight about it.
Unfortunately, in order to have any sex at all, one must be denied — a lot — and over time, you can really start to feel like a bastard simply for proposing some good old-fashioned sex in the first place. We get over it, though, because sex feels really, really good. But do us a favor: If and when you turn us down, do so in a way that compliments our penises. For instance, “I’d really love to have some sex, but your penis is just too large. Maybe tomorrow if your penis is smaller by then.” We’ll really appreciate it.
What do you hate about sex? Post in the comments section below.