I’ve gone through breakups on the day before Valentine’s, on Yom Kippur, and once even naked. Actually, that was probs the best one, strangely enough; it felt so honest and, hey, at least I spared myself bad sex. Anyway, as someone who dates a lot — pretty unsuccessfully — I know about breakups. They’re a fact of
life love. So, if you’re planning on dumping your boo, here are some times you’re gonna have to carry that weight just a little bit longer. Otherwise, you might wind up in a situation similar to this tragic Dater X Christmas story. As they say, timing is everything!
- ‘Tis The Season: You’re too cheap to buy them a gift, and even more thoughtless to dump them. Lame-o! If you lasted this long, why ruin not just the relationship but also the holidays? Avoid spending a lot of time with your boo during this time instead of making the break just yet, using family obligations as your excuse.
- Illin’: Whether your partner is the one in pain, or a close family member, you shouldn’t high-tail it outta there. The real sick thing is being the kind of person who would abandon someone they got close to just as that person needed compassion the most. Do you want to be like John Edwards? Do you?
- Out With Other People: Awkies for everyone! If you’re on a double date, at a party, heck even at the supermarket, sheesh, can’t it wait until you get some privacy? Besides, you’re only going to wrong yourself if you’re not somewhere you can truly express what you’re thinking.
- Before/While You’re Supposed To Be Their Date: You already gave your word that you’d escort them to an event. Whether it’s a wedding, a prom, or even just a friend’s party, you just have to get through it with a smile. Then, some other day, dump away!
- Birthdays: This is kinda like combining #1 and #4 with the added pressure of being a year older. Don’t make it lonelier. Tears can ruin even a buttercream-frosted cake.
- Not Enough Character(s): Any time you use a Post-It, text message, Twitter, Facebook relationship status update, or other one-sided, one-liner brush-offs. If you’re going to dump someone, do it right.
- Valentine’s Day: Seriously?! Ouch!
- Hit And Run: If you dump someone right after you have sex for the first time, they’ll think they’re lame in the sack, on top of the usual hurt from being blown off. That’s an emo double-whammy. If it’s not a one-night stand, and you’ve worked your way up to this over a couple dates, give ‘em one more date, even if it doesn’t end in sex. It’s the nice thing to do.
- While On Vacay: Traveling together is hard. But just try to relax, sip a Mai Tai, and wait until you get back to reality before you hit them with it.
- Mixin’ Business With Pleasure: At the office, work party, or even just at company happy hour, in front of coworkers, you gotta keep it together.
- No Escape Route: You can fight in the car but don’t break up there . It’s torture to have to keep riding with someone after you’ve called it quits! Same goes for a dinner, when you’re stuck waiting for a check. Frankly, any kind of entrapment is unnecessary roughness.
- Right After She Tells You She’s Pregnant: If it’s your kid, it’s make-it-work time. You at least have to try. Now, if she faked the pregnancy to get you to stay with her, well, then feel free to say buh-bye, and never look back.