Breaking News! Taco Bell Will Make You Skinny!

Goddamn do I love Taco Bell’s 7 Layer Burrito. Cheese and beans and beef and sour cream and hot sauce and oh-so-much-more wrapped in a nutritionless flour tortilla … mmm mmmmmm! It has been, oh, three years since I had one of these hot pockets of deliciousness because Taco Bell, my friends, is straight-up NASTY for your insides. I know, because a guy I had a crush on in college worked at one and he told me that the beef comes in liquid form and since then I only ate TB on “special” occasions, i.e., occasions in which I did not mind having The D for a few hours afterward. But why am I telling you all this? Because the lady above, Christine, says you can actually lose weight by regularly including items on TB’s Fresco menu in your diet. Girl, don’t play that.Christine is being called Taco Bell’s answer to Jared, that dude who lost all that weight by eating Subway constantly and eventually became the brand’s spokesperson. I always thought the Jared Subway Diet was a load of hooey, because while it may be low on calories, it’s not exactly high on nutritional value. But that might as well be the raw food diet in comparison to this Taco Bell diet nonsense, because at least you have the option of adding veggies (peppers, tomato, cucumbers, etc.) to your sandwich at Subway, whereas the only veggie TB has heard of is something called “fiesta salsa.” At Subway you can opt for whole wheat bread — at TB it’s nothing but white flour and corn tortillas.

Here’s my beef — solid, not liquid, natch — with this. Why does every effing fast food joint have to try and pretend to offer healthy options? If you want to eat healthy and lose weight, eat a effing salad for lunch instead of nachos, OK? Piling a pound of shredded iceberg lettuce on top does not count. [ABC News]