Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Tiger Still Sleeping With Rachel Uchitel? Britney Wants A New Year’s Proposal?

How you define today really says a lot about your personality. It’s a Rorschach Test, if you will. There are some of you who are no doubt thinking about today as Christmas Eve Eve day. There are others who are no doubt excited because it’s the last full work day before a break. But then there are those of you who will see today for what it really is—tabloid release day! After the jump, we’ve rounded up the most interesting and obviously 200 percent true stories from this week’s tabloids. Almost all of this week’s crop are double issues. Hey, even gossip-slingers (I say it like I’m not one) need a holiday vacay.

  • For their cover story, Us Weekly is shining a spotlight on Elin Nordegren, which we’re sure she really appreciates. According to all the tab’s sources, divorce is inevitable here—the only question mark is whether Elin will file in Florida or California. The couple owns homes in both states, and she can get more money in CA. All signs point to Elin taking the kids to Sweden for the holidays, but a big question mark remains—where is Tiger? Us says he could be in a golf villa in Isleworth, a woods home in North Palm Beach, or preparing to sail his yacht, appropriately named “Privacy.” And they take care to point out that Rachel Uchitel is currently in Palm Beach.
  • Apparently, Angelina Jolie is lonely and stressed out since, while she has lots o’ nannies, she does most of the child care herself. She’s reached out to Gwen Stefani, but supposedly just wants some normal mom friends. According to a mysterious insider, “She doesn’t trust people she hasn’t known for a long time … She’s been burned by female friends. It’s sad.”
  • Since this is a double issue, Us has dedicated lots of space to end-of-the-year wrap-ups. And there is one that’s truly amazing — “Fake News of the Year: Brangelina Split! Jen Pregnant! A Look Back At The Stories You Didn’t Read In Us.” It’s a photo montage of all the other tabloid covers that turned out to not be true. Pot, meet kettle

  • In Touch is also all over Brad and Angelina. According to the tab, Brad was fixing to leave Angelina after the holidays and bed-hop back over to Jennifer Aniston, who he’s supposedly been seeing in secret. Until Angelina, gasp, revealed she was pregnant again. “Even though he was ready to walk away for good, another baby would force him to stay with Angelina and put his future with Jen on hold.” Perhaps the beard is intended to make Angelina run for the hills? Also, has it ever occurred to anyone that Jen might not take Brad back after what he did to her?
  • Supposedly, Britney Spears is on a mission to get Jason Trawick to propose to her by New Year’s. How do they know this? Because Brit Brit was apparently engagement-ring shopping on her own. Which would look nothing like, uh, plain old normal jewelry shopping? Also, allegedly Brit is pressuring Jason to ditch his manager career because she’s sick of competing for attention with his phone. Good idea? All I can say is, Brit, you only have 9 days left.
  • Echo alert. In Touch is also saying that Tiger is in seclusion in Palm Beach, where Rachel Uchitel just happens to be, too. But they are taking the story a step further. “They have been sleeping together the entire time since the scandal broke,” says one of Rachel’s friends. “They hooked up in a condo she’s been staying at.” Wuh woh.

  • In a spread called “Suddenly Single,” Life & Style recycles some stories from earlier in the week about how sad Kate Hudson is about the demise of her relationship with A-Rod. A classy sidebar points out, “It’s another split for Ryder, too,” and shows images of Kate’s son with all the guys she’s dated since Chris Robinson. The spread also shows a doom-and-gloom photo of Reese Witherspoon and explains how she and Jake supposedly broke it to her kids that they were dunzo.
  • Three cheers for the story “Brad Pitt: 233 Days Without Shaving,” charting the evolution of the man’s nasty facial hair.
  • Life & Style evidently has kids dealing with breakups on the brain, because their cover story is “Tiger’s Kids: Caught In The Middle.” The piece speculates what it must have been like to be in the house the night of The Incident, and when Elin’s mother collapsed. To round out what the kids must be thinking, the mag consulted psychologists and … Ivana Trump, who had young kids when she split from the Donald. “Thank heavens [the kids are] too young to understand what’s happening,” she says. “They can’t read.” Good point?
  • Special bonus points for the “Test Your 2009 Celebrity News IQ” quiz on page 44. That made me feel smart.

  • If you’ve been paying attention, People’s cover probably looks a tad familiar to you. That’s because last week’s issue was a double. But in case you still haven’t picked it up, here are the highlights. The mag rounded up the “25 Most Intriguing People of 2009.” Some surprises include Sully, the pilot who landed in the Hudson this year, saving 155 lives. Like Barbara Walters, they also chose Michael Jackson’s children. And the mag also managed to get two pregnant women, Padma Lakshmi and Kourtney Kardashian, mostly naked. in separate pictures. Good job, guys.
  • But the biggest story in the issue is a 5-page spread with Taylor Swift, who is apparently the most intriguing person of the year. She says that so much of this year has caused her to say “Really?” As in: “‘This show is sold out’, or ‘You’ve been nominated for this.’ And I’m like, ‘REALLY?’ It blows my mind.” The 20-year-old was most excited about her “Saturday Night Live” hosting and says she didn’t know she wasn’t supposed to write her own monologue but came in with her opening song written. When asked if she has a rule she lives by, the singer said, “Never wear lip gloss onstage. Your hair will stick to it when you’re headbanging.” Taylor also donated $250K this year to schools she’s attended and the only goal she can think of, since she has accomplished more than she ever imagined this year, is to win a Grammy.
  • People also round up the most important everythings for the year, including fads. The most “important” were the recession-proof hamburger, the Snuggie (which has sold over 20 million), the Zhu Zhu Hamster (this year’s hot toy, which went from $8 to $60 on eBay), Sigg Water Bottles, Twitter, and Teacup Pigs (which are “this year’s maltipoo” and have been adopted by Paris Hilton and Rupert Grint). [People]

  • Congrats! You have been paying attention! Yes, this is anther double issue from last week. Kendra Wilkinson popped out her and hubby Hank Baskett’s baby, Hank IV, on Dec. 11. So OK! got the exclusive photos from the “Happiest Day” of her life. Normally, newborn babies look pretty weird, but I’ve gotta say, this is one good-looking woobie. With a full head of hair and giant rosebud lips, this kid is already killing it. He was 9 pounds, 5 ounces and his parents’ first words to him were: “Happy birthday, Hank” from Kendra and “I love you so much” from daddy. Sniffle.
  • OK! also introduces readers to the women of “The Bachelor.” The upcoming season brings back pilot Jake Pavelka, who got dissed by Jillian Harris. On whether his Christian beliefs will affect his decision-making, the tabloid reports, “He very much respects the mom who has given up everything to raise her kid, and the virgin who decided to wait until marriage.” Uh … there goes most of the ladies. The side panel introduces “The Ones to Watch,” which include three troublemakers and three good girls. Looks like Jake has a lot on his plate!
  • OK! caught up with “The Biggest Loser” winner Danny Cahill, who lost 239 pounds, the most in the show’s history. And like most of the winners, the $250,000 prize is an afterthought compared to his excitement on getting a new lease on life. When asked what he would do with the money, Danny said, “I’ve definitely got to get a new wardrobe!” The 40-year-old father looks like a totally different person—who knew there was a total hottie in there? He says he’s in better shape than he was as a high school football player. He says his favorite part about his life change is: “I’m going to be able to see my kids grow up!” Aww. [OK! Magazine]