The Curse Of The First Born Child Is BS

I’ll never forget the night that my little brother Adam was born. (That’s us on the left, by the way.) I was 3 years old and spending the night at my best friend’s house. We were lip-syncing our way through the entire “Footloose” soundtrack, when we got a call that my little brother had been born. I ran around the house screaming like a banshee because I couldn’t wait to meet him. My dad picked me up and brought me to the hospital, where I ran into the hospital room to see my mom holding what looked like a human tadpole. “That’s my brother?” I asked disappointed. Ugh.

When Adam came home from the hospital he continued to disappoint me. All he did was cry, pee, and sleep. He wasn’t even fun to play with. So what if I went over to his crib and bit or pinched him to try to get him to respond? No one would ever really know why he suddenly started crying in the middle of nap. He was boring and ugly and I hated him. Until he started to talk. I was pushing him in his stroller one afternoon when he turned around and said, “Mee mee! Push!” That’s baby talk for “Ami! Push faster!” I started to run the stroller down the sidewalk as Adam giggled. I knew he had become the playmate I had always dreamed of. And he was. Adam was always down to participate in all of my games—even “Beauty Parlor” where I dressed him up in my doll clothes and put makeup on him. (Sorry Adam! He hates when I bring that up.) By that point, I was really happy to have that little tadpole around … still am. Having a sibling totally enhanced my life and made me a better person.

That’s why I’m totally resenting this study done in the U.K. It found that first-born children never really recover from the shock and betrayal of their parents spawning another. Worse than that—it claims this affects our personalities for the rest of our lives! As a result, we first-borns are supposedly more wary of others’ motives, more selfish and less cooperative. To add insult to injury, having first-time parents supposedly makes us more conservative, uptight and anxious. Geez. That sucks. On the bright side, though, the study found that first-borns are generally taller and have a higher IQ. Well, at least that higher IQ thing is accurate. (J/K Adam!)

So how about you? Are you a damaged first-born or do you think this study is BS? [Daily Mail]