20 “Sexy” Gifts Men Should Think Twice About Before Giving

Some might say a lacy teddy or a feather tickler is more of a gift for him than for me—selfish, even. But I love sexy holiday gifts. Not only am I a little greedy when it comes to my lingerie drawer, but I love the reminder that my guy thinks I’m a sex goddess!

That said, I get why some guys are afraid to shop for lingerie. The best sexy-gift shopping occurs through interpreting another person’s fantasies; the gift should really reflect the way the woman sees herself in bed, not the way the man sees his lady. If she’s classy, then don’t go klassy. In my mind I’m burlesque star Dita Von Teese in bed, so I’ll be bewildered, to say the least, by a present in the style of Boob Job McGee, Tara Reid.

A little skittish about how Naughty Santa should stuff his stocking? I’m here to help you, boys! Some ideas of “sexy” holiday gifts not to give, after the jump.

  1. Anything crotchless
  2. Anything edible, especially jars of that weird chocolate body paint
  3. Panties two or three sizes smaller than her ass
  4. Bras two or three sizes larger than her boobs
  5. Vibrating nipple clamps (unless she’sinto that sort of thing).
  6. Sex-in-the-shower handcuffs
  7. A gift certificate for a waxing or laser hair removal
  8. His chest waxed
  9. A French maid outfit … unless she’s explicitly asked for one
  10. About 90 percent of the porn DVDs marketed towards dudes
  11. Pubic hair dye
  12. Lapdancing classes
  13. A terrifying-looking spanking paddle/riding crop
  14. Cheapo massage oil
  15. Lingerie in an itchy fabric
  16. Installing a stripper pole in the bedroom
  17. Anal beads
  18. Anything that needs to be inflated
  19. A sex swing
  20. Sex favor coupons

Now we need some ideas for sexy holiday gifts that don’t suck!