What Do Your Musical Tastes Say About You?

Blogger Lauren Leto, whoever you are, I love you. Your snarky list describing different authors and the people who read them made Amelia’s and my morning. Who reads Jodi Picoult? “Your mom when she’s at her time of the month.” Emily Griffin? “Women who give their boyfriend marriage ultimatums.” Sylvia Plath? “Girls who keep journals.” Yes, indeed! In the spirit of your list, I’ve composed my own, based on music …Beyoncé / Britney Spears: Urban, professional 20-something women who belong to expensive gyms and have a “workout playlist” on their iPhones.

Lady Gaga: College girls who wear sloppily applied eye makeup on purpose, unrealistically hopeful NYU theater majors.

Katy Perry: Conservatively raised teenage girls who want one of their parents to get annoyed at the lyrics to “I Kissed A Girl.”

Fergie: Women who watch “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” because they can, like, relate, not because it’s a trainwreck.

Miley Cyrus: Do people actually listen to her music? [Yes. — Editor]

Ani DiFranco: Women who feel too much, write angry letters to their Congressmen, kiss girls.

Tori Amos: Women who feel too much, play piano, hate their stepfathers.

Fiona Apple: Angry girls and the emo men who love them.

Adele: Women with messy personal lives.

Amy Winehouse: Women with even messier personal lives.

Rilo Kiley: Women who need a prescription for Lexapro ASAP.

Alanis Morrisette: Women who are cool beans so long as they remember to take their Lexapro regularly.

Pink: Women who’ve discovered the effects of their Lexapro are rendered obsolete by the amount of alcohol they consume.

Kelly Clarkson: “Nice girls” who deal with feelings of rejection and bitterness through listening to pop music.

Lily Allen: Trustafarians, proud sluts, girls who just don’t give a f**k.

Bikini Kill / Le Tigre: Women who bought tickets to their campus production of “The Vagina Monologues.”

Regina Spektor: Boring women who fancy themselves “quirky.”

Ben Folds: Boring men who fancy themselves “quirky.”

Feist: Pale, urban women with bangs who wear owl-shaped jewelry they bought on Etsy.

Sinead O’Connor: Women who shaved their head once during a “phase.”

Sheryl Crow: Suburban moms who work at the front desk in doctors’ offices. Also, dental assistants.

Sara Bareilles: Women who’ve never heard of Nina Simone or Etta James.

Duffy: People who purchase their music exclusively at Starbucks.

Enya: Women who have “spells.”

M.I.A.: People who think of themselves as “cultured” because they listen to a Sri Lankan rapper.

Taylor Swift: Northeasterners who think of themselves as “cultured” because they listen to “country music.”

Nina Simone: White people who fancy themselves connoisseurs of jazz music because they own one of her albums. (This description does not apply if you own more than one album.)

U2: Free-spirited souls who strangely have no qualms spending $300 on concert tickets through Ticketmaster.

Modest Mouse: People who’ve taken shrooms.

Girl Talk: Any hipsters you want to smack upside the head for being posers.

Sufijan Stevens: Any hipster you want to smack upside the head for being a poser but who actually has good musical taste.

Kanye West: Adolescent boys in the suburbs who “mix beats” in their bedroom and think they’ll have a career being a producer.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs: Women for whom the most interesting thing about them is their hairstyle/bright red lipstick/shoes.

Weezer: People who take cigarette breaks.

Dave Matthews Band: Teenage girls who know exactly which one of his songs they want to lose their virginity to.

John Mayer: Teenage girls who regret losing their virginity to a guy after he played her “Comfortable” on his acoustic guitar.

Justin Timberlake: Straight men who wear fragrances, women who shop at Bebe and/or wear thigh-highs.

Kelis: Men with unrealistic expectations about the sex drives of 99 percent of women.

Adam Lambert: Ex-Clay Aiken fans who were pissed it took him so long to come out.

The “Rent” soundtrack: High school-aged male/female theater geeks who are confused about their sexuality.

The “Chicago” soundtrack: Straight, female post-collegiate theater geeks who work in retail and resent Ashlee Simpson.

Vampire Weekend: Your absolutely insufferable summer intern who only got the internship because his dad plays golf with your CEO.

Damien Rice: People who revel in long, protracted periods of mulling in emotional agony.

Elliott Smith: Depressed people who switch to listening to Neil Young once they start feeling better.

Rufus Wainwright: People with a high threshold for melodic whining.

She & Him: People with a high threshold for melodic squeaking.

Ted Leo & The Pharmacists: People whose musical tastes you should actually trust.

Any more you’d like to add?