Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Angie’s Suicide Attempt? Tiger And Jessica Get Touchy-Feely?

There are nine days until Christmas. I don’t know if you understand what that means in tabloid time, but I’m going to tell you anyway: There is going to be a huge push to make something significant happen in Hollywood. We’re talking love, people. In the next two weeks, major love will be happening in the tabloids, and maybe even in reality too. And because you maybe only care just enough to read this blog, we’ve read all the tabloids for you and compiled the SparkNotes-style version here. Live, learn, and love, people. And Happy Kwanznakkuhsmas!

  • “The Shocking Inside Story” of Tiger Woods and Jessica Simpson turns out to be not that shocking. Tiger and Jessica hung out this summer, about a week before Tony Romo broke up with the singer. Tiger had invited Tony to be his partner in the AT&T National Pro-Am golf tournament and Jessica came along and sang the national anthem. According to a friend, Jess thought Tiger was “really sexy” and “packed a bunch of slinky outfits so he’d notice her.” They flirted a bit, got touchy-feely, and exchanged numbers and emails for “private golf lessons,” but Jess would never hook up with him and was just having fun. She was apparently shocked to hear about the affairs but keeps a framed photo of her, Tiger, and Tony in her house … which is weird.
  • Because they love ruining surprises, Star reported that Russell Brand went to Cartier to check out wedding rings. “His face lit up when he saw this one diamond ring, he put it on his [finger] and just gazed at it for ages, deep in contemplation.” Apparently things are getting super serious with Katy Perry and they’ve been looking at houses in the Hollywood Hills and plan on getting a dog when they move in. According to an insider, “Katy comes from a tight-knit, conservative family, and she can’t wait to play Suzy Homemaker.”
  • Kourtney Kardashian gave birth two days ago to little Mason Dash Disick, but supposedly the baby daddy might not be Scott Disick. She also hooked up with a 23-year-old model and aspiring rapper, Michael Girgenti (who goes by Premo Stalllone), in Miami. The model had a photo shoot with Kourtney for 944 magazine on March 15, which is nearly nine months to the day before the birth. According to a friend, “Kourtney hooked up with Michael twice while she and Scott were on the outs.” Kourtney wasn’t sure who the real father was, which “caused a lot of tension between [Scott] and Kourtney in the weeks before the birth. He’s sticking by her—but they both want to know the truth!” Doesn’t anyone use condoms anymore? [Star]

  • The National Enquirer brought an intense cover story with “Angelina’s Suicide Attempt.” According to the tab, Angie freaked out because Brad Pitt will be away for a while while they work on different movie projects. She called him and since, apparently, their phones are tapped or something, she said, “When you’re not around, I get these terrible feelings. I got the same feelings when I was younger and that’s when I tried to kill myself.” Shortly after, emergency crews rushed to their house, but it was supposedly a false alarm. Friends are worried the depression will push her back into old behaviors, which included heroin use.
  • In fat news, Kevin Federline has lost 43 pounds after nine weeks on “Celebrity Fit Club.” According to a friend, “He bragged to all his buddies that he was porking up so somebody would pay him to lose weight.” And it worked, since he got $100K to appear on the show. Meanwhile, Kirstie Alley, who bragged that she’d lost 20 pounds for her new reality show which chronicles her weight struggles, has already gained it back and then some. She designed a weight loss program which is apparently not working out; when she stepped on a scale she said, “Oh, my god, I’ve been living a lie.” The actress has also reportedly been tweeting non-stop about rewarding herself with food and being lazy.
  • Since Oprah will be relocating to Hollywood to launch a cable network by 2011, she’s been looking at property and has shown interest in the $150 million Spelling estate. The 56,500-square-foot mansion has 11 bedrooms, 16 bathrooms, a beauty parlor/barber shop, gift-wrapping room (huh?), gym, wine cellar, and screening rooms. Candy Spelling downsized to a $47 million penthouse and invited Oprah to see the mansion since (duh) she’s the only one who could afford it. A friend said the property would be great since, “Oprah loves to entertain on a grand scale. It would be like living in a private hotel with all of the luxurious amenities.” Oprah already owns a $50 million mansion in Montecito, CA, but that’s apparently her getaway spot and she has her heart set on the Spelling palace. [The National Enquirer]

  • Kendra Wilkinson popped out her and hubby Hank Baskett’s baby, Hank IV, on Dec. 11. So OK! got the exclusive photos from the “Happiest Day” of her life. Normally, newborn babies look pretty weird, but I’ve gotta say, this is one good-looking woobie. With a full head of hair and giant rosebud lips, this kid is already killing it. He was 9 pounds, 5 ounces and his parents’ first words to him were: “Happy birthday, Hank” from Kendra and “I love you so much” from daddy. Sniffle.
  • OK! also introduces readers to the women of “The Bachelor.” The upcoming season brings back pilot Jake Pavelka, who got dissed by Jillian Harris. On whether his Christian beliefs will affect his decision-making, the tabloid reports, “He very much respects the mom who has given up everything to raise her kid, and the virgin who decided to wait until marriage.” Uh … there goes most of the ladies. The side panel introduces “The Ones to Watch,” which include three troublemakers and three good girls. Looks like Jake has a lot on his plate!
  • OK! caught up with “The Biggest Loser” winner Danny Cahill, who lost 239 pounds, the most in the show’s history. And like most of the winners, the $250,000 prize is an afterthought compared to his excitement on getting a new lease on life. When asked what he would do with the money, Danny said, “I’ve definitely got to get a new wardrobe!” The 40-year-old father looks like a totally different person—who knew there was a total hottie in there? He says he’s in better shape than he was as a high school football player. He says his favorite part about his life change is: “I’m going to be able to see my kids grow up!” Aww. [OK! Magazine]

  • Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal broke up, apparently not when People first reported it, but now. Apparently, the split was amicable. The two-and-a-half year relationship was ended by Witherspoon, who wasn’t ready to get married again and felt Gyllenhaal deserves someone who is ready. But according to a source, “It broke his heart.” Reese has mentioned in several interviews that she is wary of marriage and that her kids are the most important thing in her life; apparently, Jake was going to propose, but she just wasn’t ready after her rocky divorce from Ryan Phillippe. Sniff.
  • In other fun breakup news, Kate Hudson and A-Rod are donezo. According to a source, “Kate wanted to fast-track the relationship, she started giving him ultimatums, and he realized it was not going to be a good long-term fit.” A different source says, “Alex was smothering her and was really jealous and possessive, he would always ask Kate if she was hooking up with other guys, and it drove her nuts.” Three days after the breakup, on Dec. 8, A-Rod was making out with a new blonde. Cad.
  • Us Weekly was just as surprised as we were to hear about Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan’s budding romance. Corgan’s friend said, “It was a real shock to me. Most girls he’s dated are like him: artistic, spiritual, and intelligent.” One of Jessica’s friends is less surprised: “I know she likes weirdos and anybody who’s a ‘real’ musician. She’s in another of her ‘I can do dark and edgy’ periods.” But another source says, “They have practically nothing in common,” and since Corgan is touring in 2010 and releasing an album, “He knows a romance with Jessica could make him big.” Sad face. [Us Weekly]

  • People rounded up the “25 Most Intriguing People of 2009.” Some surprises include Sully, the pilot who landed in the Hudson this year, saving 155 lives. Like Barbara Walters, they also chose Michael Jackson’s children. And the mag also managed to get two pregnant women, Padma Lakshmi and Kourtney Kardashian, mostly naked in separate pictures. Good job, guys.
  • But the biggest story in the issue is a 5-page spread with Taylor Swift, who is apparently the most intriguing person of the year. She says that so much of this year has caused her to say, “Really?” As in, “‘This show is sold out’, or ‘You’ve been nominated for this.’ And I’m like, ‘REALLY?’ It blows my mind.” The 20-year-old was most excited about her “Saturday Night Live” hosting and says she didn’t know she wasn’t supposed to write her own monologue but came in with her opening song written. When asked if she has a rule she lives by, the singer said, “Never wear lip gloss onstage. Your hair will stick to it when you’re headbanging.” Taylor also donated $250K this year to schools she’s attended and the only goal she can think of, since she has accomplished more than she ever imagined this year, is to win a Grammy.
  • People also round up the most important everythings for the year, including fads. The most “important” were the recession-proof hamburger, the Snuggie (which has sold over 20 million), the Zhu Zhu Hamster (this year’s hot toy, which went from $8 to $60 on eBay), Sigg Water Bottles, Twitter, and Teacup Pigs (which are “this year’s maltipoo” and have been adopted by Paris Hilton and Rupert Grint). [People]