The 20 Dos And Don’ts Of Having A Post-Hookup Friendship
In this modern age of dating, casual sex, and fun hooking up, many of us remain friendly with people we’ve seen naked long after the ugly-bumping has come to an end. That said, there are still plenty of rules that must be followed if you actually want to maintain some semblance of a friendship. After the jump, 20 dos and don’ts of having a post-hookup friendship. 1. DON’T ask for the website address for, say, a company that sells sexy thigh-high stockings, your personal favorite fetish wear, because you want to buy your new hookup a pair. This is why God invented Google.
2. DON’T kiss and tell. Unless it is on a blog and you use fake names.
3. DO erase any nudie photos you might have on your computer or cell phone, unless, of course, the nude body part in question is not actually attached to a head that is visible. Those are fair game to show to anyone.
4. DON’T call and ask for more naked pictures since you are tired of the ones you got a year ago when you were hooking up.
5. DON’T text four months later and apologize that it’s been so long since you’ve called but it was because you got back together with your ex and then proceed to propose getting a drink.
6. DON’T ask for or give dating advice. Your ex doesn’t care about your love life anymore now that it doesn’t involve him.
7. DON’T use the following vomit-inducing words to describe your former relationship: “fondly,” “bond,” “special.”
8. DON’T call/text/email needing a shoulder to lean on, especially if your problem (say, ongoing unemployment) has not changed in the nine months since you last boned.
9. DON’T mention how the person you’re currently boning is slightly superior to your ex, as in he/she went to Yale or something.
10. DON’T try and play matchmaker.
11. DON’T be touchy-feely with each other. It’s just confusing.
12. DON’T try and date each other’s friends. Unless Ryan Gosling is a “friend,” in which case, all bets are off.
13. DO have actual conversations when something is awkward or uncomfortable. It’s an honesty-is-the-best-policy situation.
14. DO try your hardest to forget the sounds you each made during orgasm. Also, eradicate any memory of the orgasm face.
15. DO avoid talking about what went wrong in your relationship.
16. DON’T ask to borrow any of the following: car, money, a drug dealer’s contact info, or anything requiring inordinate amounts of time or energy (like, say, proofing a resume).
17. DON’T attempt to re-friend someone who has conspicuously de-friended you as some sort of empty peace offering.
18. DO spring for a meal or a drink, for God’s sake. If you left a bad taste in your ex’s mouth about being a cheapskate, now’s your chance to remedy it. A person’s memory about an ex’s bad behavior is impressionable.
19. DON’T get your ex-hookup and your current hookup together, hoping for a three-way, because the odds are better than good that you’re only going to end up pissing both of them off.
20. DON’T try to play your ex-hookup against your new hookup. You’ll look like a jackass.