The Most Ridiculous Penis Stories Of 2009

There are some pretty crazy people out there. A lot of them have penises, and many of those penises have had hilariously insane things happen to them. So, if you’re not planning on eating a salami sandwich for lunch, feast on these nine amazing sausage stories from 2009!

  • Don’t Drink And Ink: Who doesn’t love vodka? But sometimes, you can love it too much. In October, a 27-year-old Swedish guy named Joel got so drunk that when he woke up, he had a tattoo of a 6-inch penis on his thigh. Apparently, he drunkenly went to a parlor for one of those hipster mustache finger tats, but then let the tattoo artist do whatever he wanted. Hmm, on second thought, we hope that was the only penis violation of the night.
  • Ring Of Fire Department: We told you all about the World’s Strongest Vagina, but, sadly, a Newport Beach man, who basically did the same thing to his penis in September, fell short of the Guinness record, and how! The man, in his 50s, put his penis through a ring of steel that had a dumb weight attached to it, all in the hopes that it would make him big enough to be “chief of his tribe.” Well, the ring got stuck, his penis swelled up to five time its size, and it stayed that way for a few days before he asked for medical attention. When doctors realized they didn’t have the right tools to cut through the steel ring, they had to call the Fire Department to use the Jaws of Life to rescue his dick.
  • Hand Puppet:Puppetry Of The Penis” was actually a hit show on Broadway, but if your thang isn’t a super star and peeps aren’t paying to see it, well, you best keep it in your pants! In May, a guy in Washington thought he could tie some string around his, stand in the window overlooking his whole apartment complex and put on his own not critically acclaimed penis puppet show. Well, needless to say, the cops had to close it and his zipper.
  • An Affair To Re-Attach: Sex in the backseat of a car is hot across the globe, so long as a van doesn’t hit you while you’re parked. Unfortch that’s exactly what happened to a 30-year-old secretary in China. She was S-ing her boss’s D, when they got rear-ended … and not in the sexytime way. The crash caused her to chomp down on her BF’s peen. Holding the detached piece, she rushed him to the hospital. Sheesh, that blows!
  • All The Presidents’ Penises: Hugo Chavez, the President of Venezuela, isn’t just thinking about laws; he’s concerned they’re not helping penises. In May, the Prez became the first and only political figure to endorse a cell phone, not to mention one named after the venezuelan slang term for penis — “vergatorio.” Guess he’s just helping more d**ks get in some pants!
  • Quarter-Life Crisis: Parents just don’t understand. Back at the end of May, a 25-year-old Egyptian man took rebellion to a whole new level—crotch level, that is. The man lives in Qena, an impoverished and very old-school region in the south of Egypt, where marriage is seen as a contract rather than an eternal union with a soul mate. This young guy, who comes from a wealthy family, fell in love with one of the regular people. After two years of his father refusing to let him marry the lady from a lower class, the man lowered his pants and chopped off his own penis. Ouch! That’s love? Though he was rushed to the hospital, doctors weren’t able to reattach his member. Now that the son has shown he’s got, um, balls, will his parents cut him off completely?
  • Hack/Jack Job: In July, instead of sawing off a cabinet leg, a carpenter sawed off his own, um, appendage. Adding insult to injury, he was building the furniture piece at his mom’s place. Fifty-four-year-old Stuart Keen and his detached penis were immediately rushed to the hospital in Wantage, England, where skilled docs were able to stick it back on. His mom was quick to rush to his defense, telling the press, “Stuart is a carpenter and uses sharp and sometimes dangerous tools. This was an unfortunate accident but these things happen all the time to people in his profession.” Whoa, this should inspire some kids to go to college!
  • Suck My SUV Seats: There are so many upgrades you can add to your car, but would you spend $1.6 million on an SUV just to get leather seats? Well, leather seats made out of whale penis skin? That’s what a Russian automaker, Dartz, marketed with their Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition armored cars. This sounds like an episode of “Captain Planet,” but it totally happened! Luckily, animal rights groups put an end to the castration cushion covers. Gas-guzzling is enough of an eco-crime for one car!